The other day a young man wrote to me after receiving his matches from a speed-dating event.
I don’t understand this “friends” match. Why is it considered a match at all? I am looking for someone who wants me. These women that check me off as a friend don’t want me.
I need to find someone that will make be feel better about me, I’m looking for my other half… my “soul mate”. All my life I have struggled with not feeling good enough compared to others, if I meet a good woman, it will improve my life, they will make be a better person.
He wrote back, “I don’t understand?”
There is a book called “How Full is Your Bucket? “
When we enter into a relationship, whether it is for business and especially for love, we come to the table with a “bucket”
Now… some come to the table with almost completely empty bucket.
And others come with buckets almost full.
If we expect the other person to always fill our bucket while we keep empting it out, over and over with all the negativity, then what do you think will happen?
Yep… we will empty their bucket too.
And when the other person’s bucket is empty, and your bucket is empty, you both will part.
Here is an example from that book
1. Prevent bucket dipping – ask yourself whether you are adding to or taking from another bucket.
2. Shine a light on what is right – don’t focus on the negative; spend time, energy and attention of what is right.
3. Make best friends – great relationships lead to increased satisfaction
4. Give unexpectedly – the gifts can be material, trust or respect, but given unexpectedly increases their bucket filling power
5. Reverse the Golden rule – “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them”.
You can purchase it USED for a $1 on my favorite place to buy books- HALF.com
CLICK HERE to see the book.
I recommend another book Who moved my Cheese?
During my Human Resources career, this book was recommended often to those who had the life changing experience of loosing their job, or someone who has to rebuild their life due to change after a divorce or death of a spouse. The book is VERY short, and very easy reading, but really gets it point across.
The other part of our conversation was spent discussing FRIENDS matches
I said so what’s so terrible about making FRIENDS MATCHES I ask him?
7 mins is not a whole lot of time to decide.
Hopefully you are seeking more then lust and that takes more time.
Life is not BLACK or WHITE.
There are many GREY’S ….
Yes I can guarantee you, that if you always walk away from a friends match without giving any effort- your result will be the same every time. Nadda… not a thing, nothing, no options at all.
BUT if you view it as a positive, become friends several options become available.
- You may discover your new “friend” has a neighbor you get introduced to at a back yard BBQ who is single and you hit it off
- Your friendship could grow stronger once you get to know each other and you start dating!
- You discover, you both don’t like each other
Notice how if you choose to be open, you have some OPTIONS that could happen, and NO options if you throw it away.
Yes, many times you may make a friends match and it goes now where.
BUT just as many times, it may lead you to something or someone if you choose not to throw it away!
I find it sad that so many men and women do just this. Throw in the towel right away. They say, “Oh well if they didn’t pick me as a “DATE” then forget them! They have to WANT ME…”
They are looking for that instant magic without any work involved, without any effort, instant gratification.
Ask about 20 couples how they felt about each other when they first met, several will say, hey, I really wasn’t even sure if I liked him, or he did something real stupid on our first date, I am shocked I agreed to a second date!
Now had they gone by the all or nothing theory, they would not be together today.
CJ Lewis quote on Friendship:
Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.
All the best on your quest!,