In the Beatles song “I’m a loser” we all relate to what their message has to say about being alone and single. And much advice has been written for us unmarried people… AKA SINGLES.
Most of the advice out there is about: how to find a man, how to woo the woman of your dreams… and of course, how to get hitched. Sometime the books and advice will make you believe, as though marriage or having a boyfriend/girlfriend were the only answer to someone’s problems…or will enable you to take your “respectful” place in society, make you feel more successful now that you found that someone.
However, is this always appropriate?
Don’t get me wrong…there is nothing wrong with being married. However, with a rate of one out of every two marriages ending in divorce, it’s pretty evident that one can’t expect someone else to fulfill them or bring them happiness or completeness, no matter what the love songs say. Also, more people are staying unmarried for longer periods of time, and to me they should be treated with respect and considered as valuable as someone wearing a wedding band.
I have been both married for many years and single now for 8 years, so I know both sides of the fence. I was shocked the first time I experienced this stigma about being single, as being married so young and for many years, I didn’t even know it existed.
It was actually a venue manager, which I will keep anonymous… a few years back when I first started my business. He became upset when he discovered the other manager and I had arranged to have a single mingle wine tasting event in his restaurant.
He said, “ I don’t want a bunch of SINGLES, in this place, it lowers our standards and cheapens our classy restaurant. We are a family place”
Now outraged I asked him: “Really… SINGLES cheapens your restaurants (?)
Are you aware we have many 9/11 widows in our group? Do they cheapen your place too?
AND for your information, all of us HAVE FAMILIES…some have children, others have sisters, brothers, or maybe elderly parents we take care of. What gives you the right to think we are less for not having a current spouse?
Then I said, “oh let me guess, you are married”
He said “YES and for 25 years” as if he deserved some kind of metal of honor for this.
I then said “Well good for you!” Let’s hope nothing in life ever changes that for you, because then you would be one of us!”
How did it all end up?
Well I said OK, I’ll gladly take my business and the singles somewhere else, and let each and everyone of them know why, and since I already advertised YOUR restaurant, I’m sure you won’t mind if I have someone stand outside and tell your customers as they arrive the day of the event not to go here if they are single, to go to place XXX down the road instead.
I then went home and called the home office to this restaurant in FL. And let the owners know of the situation. A received a phone call from the rude manager a day later, “eating crow” as they say, apologizing under his breath, and saying we could have our singles event as planned.
That’s because the owners in Florida were not happy about it, and said we DO want your business, we will talk to him.
But boy it was my first eye opener about how people view you if you don’t have someone in your life.
Don’t take the “how to get married in 6 months” books and all of their so-called “Rules” to catch a man or woman” to heart and think if you don’t succeed in finding someone you are nobody. And ladies, don’t worry so much about quantifying your relationships by “keeping score” as to who called whom first and about whether or not a man is “that into you”. That drama may be ok for junior high schoolers…but we’re sensible, adult women with interesting careers, lives and better things to do, right?
Instead…when it comes to matters of the heart, you know best what your needs are.
Just love and accept yourself, be pro-active in your personal life when seeking friends, lovers, or partners, follow your heart, but don’t get caught up in the moment and take risks when it comes to intimacy (of course, always practice safer sex)
But most of all just let nature take its course. It’s possible for everyone to find someone one special to them. And yes, that means you too! It will happen …whether it’s one year or 20 years or longer. All of those clichés about plenty of fish in the sea and a lid for every pot is true.
However, you are meant to be alone for the short or even long term (and some people are), then accept it and grow from the experience and enjoy this time anyway.
It’s just that simple.
Most important, learn to love yourself in spite of your current relationship status. Don’t fret or let others define your worth or make you feel that you’re a loser because you don’t “have someone.” Trust me the grass isn’t always greener on the other side..and no one has ever died from being unpartnered… but plenty have lost their lives in domestic violence from being in an unhealthy relationship!
Better to be “alone” than be stuck in a relationship that is dangerous to your body, mind, emotions, soul and spirit…for that is the ultimate loneliness!
In the meantime, if the single blues do hit you hard, then try attending some of our fun low pressure activity events to get out of the house and make some new friends. Or check out some books to help you deal with embracing singlehood and aloneness.
If they don’t work, then try counseling or our Life Coach Heidi for strong caring support and advice. Or join our workshops which will begin again September 16th.
Check the CALENDAR of EVENTS for details.
All the best on your quest!