And Ladies… have you ever asked yourself why do men seem to fall for the nasty mean B_ _ _ _ instead of the nice sweet girl?
Yes, no matter whether you are male or female, we all have at one time or another been attracted to one of those naughty girls or bad boys. Your heart was broken, you were cheated on, you gave everything you’ve got inside to them, yet you got little or nothing in return…you know what I’m talking about.
So what is it about “bad boys” or men that aren’t “available” that is attractive to women?
Have you ever dated a guy even though you knew he was a “bad boy” or found out soon into things yet kept dating him anyway?
And guys… do find yourself gravitating to women who are hateful, that seem to suck the life out of you, with her ever demanding rules, and bad girl behavior yet in the end for some reason you still missed her?
Is there a nice guy or nice girl in your life who would make a great companion but you’re not attracted to or share a great chemical “connection” with?
The reason is simple. Nobody wants to be with someone who is boring!
That’s why “jerks” seem to do so well initially attracting women.
And girls that stand their own and never give in or kiss-up attract the guys.
A guy friend of mine once told me – I’ve had women in the past be the “nice girl” with me. There’s two women that stand out that I remember that acted overly nice and sweet going overboard to try to get me to date them. Any attraction that was there, started going away… right away when they poured it on.
THE TRUTH of the matter is – kissing up, convincing and being too “sweet” can kill attraction.
The reason the attraction is killed is because in our subconscious, we react in ways you often can’t control and aren’t even aware of. Being too “nice” sends a signal to a deep part of the brain that tells you “this person is too wishy washy, and isn’t desirable can’t protect therefore he is of lower status”. AKA the “ ALPHA MALE “ syndrome. I know, this might sound kind of dark, power-hungry or weird to you, but it’s what happens with us humans.
Men and women don’t value what they can have too easily, whether they want to admit it or not.
And sometimes it is for that reason, women and men don’t want to be with the right person who are probably much better relationship material and love companions.
Remember the scene in the movie- “Coming to America” with Eddie Murphy as the prince who is standing in front of the alter, ready to wed his beautiful bride? He talks with her right before the ceremony and asks her … “
What do you like? ….
Prince asks: “what do you like to eat? “
Princess response: “whatever YOU like” …
Her subservient answers continue, then the prince (Eddie Murphy) tells her to Bark like a dog and hop on one leg. When she does what he says.. He announces.. “I CANNOT MARRY this WOMAN! She does everything I say! “
Men and Women don’t respect a “YES MAN” not having a mind of your own. Someone with an opinion is someone that has the self-confidences that in turn makes you more attractive.
OK let’s admit it here… there’s something exciting about a man or woman who is assertive enough to tell you what he wants. The trick is to be exciting and desirable enough while still being a good, caring person.
Example- if you are a CPA for a living (a low risk very organized occupation that has to follow a lot of rules), try taking up skydiving or some exciting hobby. Anything can really make you more interesting if you just have a good sense of humor about it!
In the nice guys defense – they DO actually have something better to offer a woman in the long run of what she SAYS she wants (love, trust, companionship, passion), but some women aren’t able to see it or see the everyday guy as something they want.
You see, since women truly are conditioned to be “good girls,” sometimes we feel uncomfortable with or guilty about that pure sensual burning “I must have him!” feeling. That’s why we sometimes seek out a bad boy to serve as the object of these desires, says Cleveland psychotherapist Belleruth Naparstek, creator of the Health Journeys series of guided imagery tapes. “In order for the deliciousness of pure lust to be ‘okay,’ it has to be for the symbolic bad boy who has nothing to do with the rest of your life. With him, you can crank up your animal impulses, worry-free,” she says…
Wow…. interesting, huh?
And wouldn’t you know it – it works the same way for “nice women”. Being a “nice girl” can’t “convince” a guy to like you just because you do sweet things…
It just doesn’t work like that.
Like it or not, women DO feel that magical emotion called ATTRACTION for “bad boys”. They are strong willed; protective and doesn’t let people opinions get in their way. Of course, I don’t believe that men have to be jerks, or abuse women in order to make them feel attracted to them. But women have a deep attraction mechanism that’s triggered by men who behave indifferent, superior, cocky… the list goes on and on… of “bad” behavior traits we gals seem to be wooed by.
“Bad boys” often create inviting and intoxicating forms of drama – often perceived as playfulness, sexuality and fun. When I first talk to women about the bad boy subject, they jump ALL OVER me and completely disagree and say “I don’t date the bad boys”. Then I ask them about some of the relationships they’ve had in the past.
And guess what? Most women realize in the course of the conversation that they’ve dated men they knew fit the “bad boy” profile. What makes me laugh is that the realization makes them argue with me even more!
So why do women date and continue on with “bad boys”?
“We had a great connection”. Some women call it “chemistry”.
The magic of a connection with a man can be extremely powerful. Often powerful enough to undo all sorts of normal reasoning abilities like… get out of this…danger ahead… and ways other ways of perceiving things.
Women picking and staying with the wrong men is the single biggest topic I have with single women when calling me to coming to their first single event. It’s the most common reason why the thousands of women I tell me they can’t find the love and fulfillment they’re looking for.
But the real question is “Do Women Date Naughty Guys but – Marry Nice Ones?”
Men and women actually do prefer a real woman or real man. Which why the wedding vows talk of Respect, Honesty, Loyalty and Love which is the basics anyone wants and needs in a good relationship.
I believe most healthy women and men act the way they want to be treated. So my best advise if she/he treats you badly don’t lower yourself to their level. If they are not respecting you… RUN and move on. You will find the woman / man for you that will rock your world.
I’ve run the gamut – been a ‘b_ _ _ _’ and have been a ‘doormat’ and am now beginning to reach some conclusions.
Basically, I believe its all about balance – this is true for both men and women. It’s a huge mistake to hit the extremes: either bitch or doormat, jerk or weakling. The secret is (or must be, I should say!) to be as nice and sweet as you feel it is natural for you to be, but hold your own and always set limits. So when the man/lady in your life tries to test your boundaries (and they will) or see how far you will bend back or go, say no when you don’t feel comfortable and set boundaries.
It boils down to being truly honest with yourself (ask yourself: “am I really comfortable with doing this/that?”) and if the answer is “no”, then have the guts to say NO – it doesn’t have to be in a confrontational way, but frank and upfront way.
You will have your partner’s respect and your self-respect. And you won’t kill the
initial attraction with approval-seeking over-kind honey-dripping behavior or excited but scared attraction with mean behavior. There has to be that balanced middle ground. We just have to work on finding it.
If you are a guy reading this blog, trust me… there are women out there like me who are looking for good men like you. Don’t give up.
I think women like the chase the same way men do. To work for the attention makes you feel he is not too needy or smothering. I think women AND men confuse confidence with arrogance or even disrespect! It is a fine line till you get to know the person better.
And ladies…don’t ever believe all the good ones are married or dating and there none left. There are a ton of great guys all the time at my events.
Maybe it is because the nice man or nice woman was simply just being too well…nice. Maybe they didn’t keep their identity with friends and hobbies.
Maybe they didn’t say no enough.
Sometimes I think when we find someone we really connect with…we are too available, or spend too much time in the beginning or give up too much information too fast or try to be their everything. It can be smothering to a person. I believe men or women don’t like an insecure clingy person. One can be nice and have a great time without making someone his or her complete world. I know… sometimes we are afraid of losing this great person…and so you go into the overly nice mode, too available…too giving… but it shows and backfires.
I believe that women, like men, don’t want a doormat. They want someone who loves them, gives them attention but still has their own life too. Unfortunately, some of us haven’t been taught this from the beginning and are still learning.
Knowing when to say the right thing, and can be very charming especially when the mood strikes and that’s what keeps us going back for more.
I’ve dated extremely nice men, but unfortunately, some of them didn’t know how to make me feel like a desirable woman.
I don’t think women set out to date men who treat them badly. I know for myself, I have an uncanny way of falling for men who have treated me like a queen for the first few months and before I know it they have turned out to be ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’.
It’s is all about actively improving your ability to know what a good man or woman looks like for YOU and to help you pick ONLY the right person for now and for the future. Picking the wrong person can get you in all kinds of painful trouble it’s hard to get free of.
And of course, the bottom line is that we teach people how to treat us. If you don’t want to be treated like you’re unworthy, then don’t LET people treat you like you’re unworthy!
All the best on your quest!