I received a call the other day from someone who was thinking of registering for a SPEED DATING event of ours. The woman went on to explain her boyfriend of 6yrs just “left her” and to use her words… was devastated and lost, as she stated she really loved him. She claims she doesn’t even know exactly WHY the breakup happened and doesn’t think she will ever meet anyone again. She can’t seem to get the whole thing out of her mind; so because her friends insisted she should get out, she was calling me to go to the SPEED DATING event.
I told her:
If you can’t get this off your mind, you may talk about it a bit too much, and if you did, it would not be to your advantage to tell every man you meet at the event what you just told me! How much you loved this man and how brokenhearted you are. Not attractive…
I agree with your friends you need to get out of the house and do something, but I encourage you to be honest with everyone you meet and explain you are joining us tonight to simply make some new friends at this point and leave it at that.
The first and most critical step is to allow yourself time to heal after a breakup or separation.
DON’T isolate yourself, get out and socialize, but don’t look for an immediate replacement!
Instead try just going out just for the fun of … going out!
This is why I host all kinds of events for every stage of this process.
Some are not actually ready at this time to step out and go on a real “DATE”. So for those I suggest a Speed Dating event, which is really a great way to “practice” dating again for those that have not dated in quite some time. Or for some, a simple mixer such as a single mingle or activity (Bowling, Mini Golf etc.) event is a great way to ‘get your feet wet’.
Or for women- our Ladies Brunch Social (next event Sun Jan 5th) simply to just make some new single girlfriends! For some ladies all they may need at this point, is to get back out there and simply make some new single girlfriends, whom you have more in common with.
The first 6 months to a year after a death of a spouse, divorce, or breakup of a long term relationship, are hard enough; so don’t make it worse by sitting home alone and sulking. Force yourself to rise from your sorrow if you have to. Get out there and spend time around caring newly single people like yourself now more than ever.
What I mean by that is try not to get too emotionally involved so not to repeat the same bad relationship you just got out of!
Take this example: “Debbie” just got divorced. Her husband always expressed anger by yelling. This made her feel out of control. Debbie now swears that she will never again marry a man who yells.
“Within 2 years, Debbie meets and marries Joe.
Now Joe… never gets angry.
Problem solved – right?
Joe gets angry like everyone else, but when he’s angry, he becomes silent. Debbie finds that this silence treatment, brings about the same anxiety/stress that her first husband’s yelling did. .
Has she made a bad choice with Joe?
No, but she has to deal with those feelings of being out of control when Joe gives her the silent treatment instead of yelling. The situation forces her to deal with those feelings all over again. If she blames Joe for her unhappiness, instead of discovering herself, she is destined to divorce again.
To fully rise from the pain of a breakup, the final stage of healing is so simple yet most people miss it:
Forgive yourself for all the things you could have done.
Forgive your ex for everything you wish he/she could have done.
Make the decision to move on and leave the past behind, no matter what it is or how “wronged” you felt you were.
That is the final step in healing and emerging from a divorce or breakup.
Here is a great quote from Sara Paddison:
Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologizes or changes.
Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you.
Love them and release them.
Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time—just like it does for you and me.
And when you reach this important level of healing you can truly be open again to be with someone else.
All the best on your quest!,