Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Breakups and Broken Hearts’ Category

Recently a close friend called to tell me that she’s breaking up with her fiancé, who she has been with for six years.

They got engaged just last year and were even planning to buy a new house together.

Of course, it came as a huge shock, as I had always thought everything was running so perfectly for her (or, at least, that’s how it seemed on her social media).

I remember she met her now ex boyfriend/fiancé during freshmen year of college. He was her “first love,” as she had never had a boyfriend before him. All her friends, including myself, were really happy for her.

The two of them stuck together for the whole four years of college, and even went on a graduation trip to Europe together afterward.

Then, she moved to another state for work and they began a long-distance relationship. That arrangement lasted for just over one year before they got back to living in the same city again. And before long, he proposed, she said yes and they got engaged.

Everything was “going according to plan,” like most fairytales we know that center around the idea of first loves and happily ever afters.

But then, like a cruel twist of fate, things began to change. My friend suddenly fell out of love with the person she would marry.

“How do you know if you are still in love with someone, or if you’re staying because of the familiarity?” she asked me over the phone.

At the time, I was pretty taken aback by her frankness. “Give me a moment to think about it. I want to give a clear answer to you,” I replied. And, after a minute or two of awkward silence on the phone, this is how I broke it down for her:

There’s a difference between wanting somebody/something and needing something/someone.

Here’s an analogy: You want a Prada bag, but you don’t exactly need one. Of course, your desire for that particular thing you want can be weak or strong, depending on several things.

You may want something really badly, with every ounce of strength that you possess,
or you may only want it half-heartedly. On the other hand, you need oxygen; there is no real desire for it, but you have to have it, nonetheless, for survival.

Of course, there are circumstances in which a need may become a want. For instance, when you’re drowning, the need for oxygen gets so strong that the need becomes want.

In those few seconds, you want oxygen like you want your life — literally. Often, we only truly appreciate the value and necessity of some things only when we lose them, don’t we?

Want and need can be really different, but at times, pretty similar. So, what is love? Here’s the answer to the million-dollar question: Love is when you want what you need and need what you want.

Now, let me spell it out for you further.

I believe most love relationships start out with a state of wanting. When you fall in love, you want the other person very, very much.

And then slowly, over time, as you love, you also become more and more accustomed to that person, so much so that you might even feel as though you can’t live without him or her. This is when want becomes need. When you want and need something simultaneously, you can call it love.

When you truly love someone, you know that you want him or her. You can feel that craving in the depth of your soul and in every nerve and every fiber of your physical being. It may feel almost like an addiction or an unyielding obsession.

You know that there is lust, but there is also something more. It’s something that truly satisfies, yet leaves you wanting more. Indeed, love can leave you in a vulnerable state. Perhaps this is where “want” transcends into “need.”

It’s when you have become so dependent on the other person for your emotional and physical demands that you can’t live properly if he or she disappeared from your life completely.

With this person, you can feel a sense of familiarity and assurance that comes with his or her acceptance of you. You feel safe with him or her.

In a way, love can become a comfort zone, a refuge you can run to. Though, in another way, it can also be a dangerous place where you might get yourself or the other party really hurt.

After a breakup, it’s unavoidable that you will feel slightly needy because now that you’re out of your comfort zone, you just want to feel safe again.

My friend did admit to me that in her head, she didn’t want her ex as a boyfriend or lover anymore, yet in her heart, she still had feelings for him, and thus she felt deeply perplexed.

“This is not love that you’re feeling,” I tried to explain, “It’s nostalgia. Even if you were to get back together after he comes begging at your feet, you might be satisfied for a while, but you won’t stay satisfied for long.

Because, in the end, he is still not what you want. He was, but that’s the past. You loved him, but now, you don’t. Now you feel like you need him only because he’s part of what that feels familiar.

Undeniably, he’s the safer choice, compared to being single again after such a long time. But, I can assure you that if you settle for this half-assed love, you are risking nothing but your future happiness.”

My friend knew that I was right, and I knew I was right, too. Yet, I was also fully aware that it might be slightly hypocritical of me to set such high bars for her. At the end of the day, it’s not me who will suffer the consequences of my advice — she will.

Still, I wouldn’t have given her advice that I would not personally follow. No one said going through breakups is easy, let alone leaving the person you thought you would marry. Yet, it’s definitely better than running away on the wedding day, right?

The truth is, love is never completely black and white. In fact, I think 80 percent of it is grey matter. Love can fade just as quickly as it can surge and fill your entire being with its magical feelings of happiness and bliss.

Lust is part of love, but love cannot be defined solely by the feeling of wanting someone. Desires can be ephemeral, just like feelings are mercurial.

And, when you need someone but do not have that insatiable want for him or her, it could be nostalgia or just lazy dependency.

Don’t settle for less. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone in search of a person who could be better for you either. Like they say, you accept the love you think you deserve.

Take some time and think about it. Some things are better late than never, and love is certainly one of them.

Source – Elitedaily.com
Author – Keay Nigel

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

I received a call the other day from someone who was thinking of registering for a SPEED DATING event of ours. The woman went on to explain her boyfriend of 6yrs just “left her” and to use her words… was devastated and lost, as she stated she really loved him. She claims she doesn’t even know exactly WHY the breakup happened and doesn’t think she will ever meet anyone again. She can’t seem to get the whole thing out of her mind; so because her friends insisted she should get out, she was calling me to go to the SPEED DATING event.

I told her: 

OF COURSE YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE AGAIN!

But are you sure you are ready to do an event like Speed Dating yet? 

If you can’t get this off your mind, you may talk about it a bit too much, and if you did, it would not be to your advantage to tell every man you meet at the event what you just told me! How much you loved this man and how brokenhearted you are. Not attractive…

I agree with your friends you need to get out of the house and do something, but I encourage you to be honest with everyone you meet and explain you are joining us tonight to simply make some new friends at this point and leave it at that.

 

The first and most critical step is to allow yourself time to heal after a breakup or separation.

DON’T isolate yourself, get out and socialize, but don’t look for an immediate replacement!

Instead try just going out just for the fun of … going out!

This is why I host all kinds of events for every stage of this process.

Some are not actually ready at this time to step out and go on a real “DATE”.  So for those I suggest a Speed Dating event, which is really a great way to “practice” dating again for those that have not dated in quite some time. Or for some, a simple mixer such as a single mingle or activity (Bowling, Mini Golf etc.) event is a great way to ‘get your feet wet’.

Or for women- our Ladies Brunch Social (next event Sun Jan 5th) simply to just make some new single girlfriends! For some ladies all they may need at this point, is to get back out there and simply make some new single girlfriends, whom you have more in common with.
The first 6 months to a year after a death of a spouse, divorce, or breakup of a long term relationship, are hard enough; so don’t make it worse by sitting home alone and sulking. Force yourself to rise from your sorrow if you have to. Get out there and spend time around caring newly single people like yourself now more than ever.

But date slowly during this process.

What I mean by that is try not to get too emotionally involved so not to repeat the same bad relationship you just got out of!

Take this example: “Debbie” just got divorced. Her husband always expressed anger by yelling. This made her feel out of control. Debbie now swears that she will never again marry a man who yells.

“Within 2 years, Debbie meets and marries Joe.

Now Joe… never gets angry.

Problem solved – right?

No.

Joe gets angry like everyone else, but when he’s angry, he becomes silent. Debbie finds that this silence treatment, brings about the same anxiety/stress that her first husband’s yelling did. .

Has she made a bad choice with Joe?

No, but she has to deal with those feelings of being out of control when Joe gives her the silent treatment instead of yelling. The situation forces her to deal with those feelings all over again. If she blames Joe for her unhappiness, instead of discovering herself, she is destined to divorce again.

To fully rise from the pain of a breakup, the final stage of healing is so simple yet most people miss it:

Forgive yourself, and forgive your ex.

Forgive yourself for all the things you could have done.

Forgive your ex for everything you wish he/she could have done.

Make the decision to move on and leave the past behind, no matter what it is or how “wronged” you felt you were.

That is the final step in healing and emerging from a divorce or breakup.

Here is a great quote from Sara Paddison:

Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologizes or changes.

Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you.

Love them and release them.

Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time—just like it does for you and me.

–Sara Paddison

And when you reach this important level of healing you can truly be open again to be with someone else.

 

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at 
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

Read Full Post »

How many times have I heard someone say…

“I don’t know how I am going to get thru this”

or

“OMG…I hate being single why did things have to turn out this way?”

We forget that “CHANGE” is inevitable and the only thing that is consistent in life.

Everything does come to an end or change.

Jobs change, children grow, neighbors move, and yes… relationships end.

So how do we deal with it? 

Your significant other walks in the room one day and says…

I don’t love you anymore, or its not working out… at first hearing these words trigger emotions that make you feel like someone just put a knife to your gut. The pain is deep, and you may feel like your whole world just ended. The person you were so close to is now becoming someone you USE to know.

But after the tears and the heart wrenching emotions, you slowly start to realize your life is NOT over. And maybe eventually start to realize that letting someone else have that much power over our lives is crazy! Isn’t it our choice to get up each morning and make our day?

The first step in healing and dealing is taking the power back. YOU are in charge of your life, and the master of your destiny. And the only person to trust is your higher source! Once you embrace the fact that you do have control of your destiny doors will open for you.

YES there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Take time to get to know you, this is a new opportunity to relish your spirit and soul – reinvent yourself so that when the NEXT person steps into your life you will have a full tank of love to give back!

Time is your friend. Be patient and wise with it.

GO OUT to meet new single people, try new things!

(CHECK out this month’s calendar of events)

And don’t be afraid to go alone, open your mind and your heart to allow new experiences to happen.  You may think the relationship was the worst thing to happen to you, but if you give yourself enough time and remain open… it could be the BEST THING that ever happen to you!

All things are not always clear when they first happen. Finish the journey then when you look back, you may find yourself saying one day

What was I thinking?

There is a lesson in every relationship so try to figure out and understand what you can learn from this experience. Prepare yourself for the next phase of your life. Try to move on without regrets and hatred – this will only keep you at a standstill.

Let go and be thankful you have time to keep on living and making your dreams a reality.

 

Warm Regards,

 

Gail Adams– Event Coordinator

 

in-Heaven SinglesEvents | http://www.7-in-heaven.com/contact.html
7 in Heaven Singles Events

On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site-www.7-in-heaven.com   631- 592-9804

 Personal Matching by Gailwww.HeavenlyMatch.net

 

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously

 

  Summer events for singles, SPEED DATING, Speed-dating, Where to meet singles, How to meet singles, single women, single guys, singles long island, Single events on long island, single parties, where to meet long island singles, best speed dating on long island, Nassau county events for singles, Suffolk county events for singles, Queens Single Events, Best place to meet singles on long island, Long island events for singles, Activities for singles, Dance parties for singles, sports for singles, Single Dinner parties, Single Gourmet, Personal Matchmaking, Matchmaker, Long Island Matchmaker, Personal Matchmaking Services, Professional Matchmaker, Introduction services, Dating services

Read Full Post »

I received a call the other day from someone who was thinking of registering for a SPEED DATING event of ours. The woman went on to explain her boyfriend of 6yrs just “left her” and to use her words… was devastated and lost, as she stated she really loved him. She claims she doesn’t even know exactly WHY the breakup happened and doesn’t think she will ever meet anyone again. She can’t seem to get the whole thing out of her mind; so because her friends insisted she should get out, she was calling me to go to the SPEED DATING event.

I told her:

OF COURSE YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE AGAIN!

But are you sure you are ready to do an event like Speed Dating yet?

If you can’t get this off your mind, you may talk about it a bit too much, and if you did, it would not be to your advantage to tell every man you meet at the event what you just told me! How much you loved this man and how brokenhearted you are. Not attractive…

I agree with your friends you need to get out of the house and do something, but I encourage you to be honest with everyone you meet and explain you are joining us tonight to simply make some new friends at this point and leave it at that.


The first and most critical step is to allow yourself time to heal after a breakup or separation.

DON’T isolate yourself, get out and socialize, but don’t look for an immediate replacement!

Instead try just going out just for the fun of … going out!

This is why I host all kinds of events for every stage of this process.

Some are not actually ready at this time to step out and go on a real “DATE”.  So for those I suggest a Speed Dating event, which is really a great way to “practice” dating again for those that have not dated in quite some time. Or for some, a simple mixer such as a single mingle or activity (Bowling, Mini Golf etc.) event is a great way to ‘get your feet wet’.

Or for women- our Ladies Brunch Social (next event Sun Jan 5th) simply to just make some new single girlfriends! For some ladies all they may need at this point, is to get back out there and simply make some new single girlfriends, whom you have more in common with.
The first 6 months to a year after a death of a spouse, divorce, or breakup of a long term relationship, are hard enough; so don’t make it worse by sitting home alone and sulking. Force yourself to rise from your sorrow if you have to. Get out there and spend time around caring newly single people like yourself now more than ever.

But date slowly during this process.

What I mean by that is try not to get too emotionally involved so not to repeat the same bad relationship you just got out of!

Take this example: “Debbie” just got divorced. Her husband always expressed anger by yelling. This made her feel out of control. Debbie now swears that she will never again marry a man who yells.

“Within 2 years, Debbie meets and marries Joe.

Now Joe… never gets angry.

Problem solved – right?

No.

Joe gets angry like everyone else, but when he’s angry, he becomes silent. Debbie finds that this silence treatment, brings about the same anxiety/stress that her first husband’s yelling did. .

Has she made a bad choice with Joe?

No, but she has to deal with those feelings of being out of control when Joe gives her the silent treatment instead of yelling. The situation forces her to deal with those feelings all over again. If she blames Joe for her unhappiness, instead of discovering herself, she is destined to divorce again.

To fully rise from the pain of a breakup, the final stage of healing is so simple yet most people miss it:

Forgive yourself, and forgive your ex.

Forgive yourself for all the things you could have done.

Forgive your ex for everything you wish he/she could have done.

Make the decision to move on and leave the past behind, no matter what it is or how “wronged” you felt you were.

That is the final step in healing and emerging from a divorce or breakup.

Here is a great quote from Sara Paddison:

Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologizes or changes.

Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you.

Love them and release them.

Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time—just like it does for you and me.

–Sara Paddison

And when you reach this important level of healing you can truly be open again to be with someone else.


All the best on your quest!,

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

Read Full Post »

“I went to one event of yours and I didn’t met anyone I wanted to date”

My response – You went to ONE event and you didn’t meet anyone?

Ladies and Gentlemen– it rarely happens in ONE event, but it DOES happen one day ! And hopefully when that time arrives we have enough time to enjoy each other.

People ask me all the time…What is your success rate?

I quickly respond- “I have no success rate, I am not a matchmaker”

My job is to create fun events, bring people together and let the universe do the rest. Rarely am I kept in the loop, as to who connected with who, unless the couple is kind enough to share their story.

*This below true story hopefully will bring new faith and inspiration to you all while searching

Steve G. was a single gentleman that attended my events. He first started coming to my events back in 2008 when I first got started. Steve was patient in his search, and many times left the event knowing that maybe he made a few new friends, but not a match made in heaven.

Well, about a year ago- Steve G met Diane at one of my events. I thought Diane had made a good connection with another gentleman whom we will call “SAM” that evening, not necessarily Steve. Diane and Steve had “picked” each other for a match however.

Well about 4 months later, I called Steve one night, and asked:

Hey Steve where you’ve been? Have any plans tonight? Would you like to join us?”

Steve’s voice became sad and low, he said “Gail, I just found out this week I have Leukemia.” I was stunned and said. Oh Steve, I am so sorry to hear that. We discussed it a little more, and then I said goodbye and wished him the best in his recovery.

I went about my busy life and occasionally a thought came to mind – wondering how Steve was making out.

This past weekend, I held a Speed-Dating event and received a last minute call from Diane. She asked if she could join us, as she just needed to get out for the night. I said OK, and then Diane went on to explain she had been Dating STEVE G for the past year since they met at my Speed-Dating event.

I said REALLY? (remembering how I thought the connection was with “SAM”)

Diane went on to explain yes, Steve was not the first one she went out on a date with from that night, but the second. Steve called her, and picked her up and when he arrived, she noticed his charming cute half smile and said to herself, “Hey I think this date will be fun!”

3 months later, Steve suddenly surprised her with a fantastic weekend for them. At the end of the weekend, Diane, not knowing said “OK what’s this talk about? You breaking up with me now that you and I have had this fantastic weekend together” ?

Steve said, “Kinda; it might be best. I just found out I have Leukemia”

Diane said “You’re not getting rid of me!”

They spent this past year together having a BLAST. Diane accompanied Steve EVERYWHERE, they traveled saw old friends – Steve and Diane fell in love.

Steve and Diane dated right up until Steve’s battle with Leukemia ended May 2nd 2011

Steve had never been married, no children and had finally found someone special he so much enjoyed.

Steve did not attend one of my events but many of my events. And he did find someone, sadly and unbeknownst to him, the last year of his life.

Maybe Steve had become more open about the small stuff when choosing mates. When you know your time is limited, everything seems to really take a back seat.

Or maybe it really did take this much time to meet someone special.

Who knows.

It sure makes me think, how much time is wasted and how petty we can all be when it comes to dating.

And gives new meaning to the saying “Carpe’ Diem

Latin for : Seize the day or Live Life to the Fullest

Wishing you joy on your journey,

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- http://www.7-in-heaven.com

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously

Read Full Post »

OK so its Valentines Day.

Personally I think Valentine ’s day may have started with good intentions as a day to celebrate love, but nowadays it has become another day to guilt people into shopping compulsively for things that they don’t need or they don’t want to buy in order to express their love.

But for those of us that are single, this can be a rather challenging day to get through without the valentines in your face reminders of our unattached status and not having someone to spend the day in romantic bliss with.

Being single shouldn’t be a reason to feel blue however, and neither should Valentine’s Day. Instead of letting this mostly commercially-fueled holiday drag you down, why not celebrate being single?

VALENTINES DAYInstead of focusing on what you “don’t have” concentrate on what you DO have, celebrate love! For example maybe you are blessed with a loving family,  a sister/ brother you are close to. Your children who love you or fun faithful friends! Spend time with the family and friends in your life that love you at maybe a coffee shop, book store, anywhere but the restaurants packed with both happy and unhappy couples going through the motions!

Remember, when you are single, it doesn’t mean you need to feel ashamed. Whether you are, or are not, in a relationship doesn’t say anything about who you are as a person.

AND if you don’t want to be single, this is a perfect time to reflect on why you are single, and what you can do about it. Are you ready to start dating again? Do you know how to start a conversation with a stranger? Do you spend time in places conducive to meeting new single people?

Come out on Thursday 2/14/13 Valentines Day to our CUPID MINGLE    a fantastic event held inside a mansion in Suffolk County, and it is also a Nature Center the door money ($10 entrance) goes toward the organization A glass of wine and lots of cupcakes and chocolates to sample included

Check out our  DATING WORKSHOP a great places to get started with your new journey!                                Next event Wed 2/13 in Huntington @ XO Wine and Chocolate Restaurant The Topic is “FLIRTING 101” see details – CLICK HERE

Our Ladies BrunchSunday March 3 (SUFFOLK) and Sunday April 7 (NASSAU)  to make new single friends (held every 1st Sunday of the month), and our Dating Workshops  are

All the best on your quest,

Gail Adams– Event Coordinator

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site-
http://www.7-in-heaven.com

Read Full Post »

So you have been dating, you met someone you are really excited about, they are complimentary, attentive, full of excitement about the future. Then suddenly one day, they are MIA (missing in action) no return call for hours or a day or so. They explain they are just busy, nothings wrong but the distance seems to grow. Then it happens, they explain, “its not you its ME”

It could be they are commitment phobic

Commitment phobics are actually tortured souls full of FEAR. They are in a constant state of emotional conflict because of their negative irrational beliefs about love, commitment and relationships.

Generally, commitment phobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment and get married; yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain long-lasting connections. Why? because many have such a long list of must-haves, they probably may not find anybody ever! With the long list of expectations, it is a way of expressing, that they are commitment phobic people. Ironically, in romantic relationships, the commitment phobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for love with the frightening reality of “forever” leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating.

One potentially misleading aspect of commitment phobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is the only one with a problem!

In fact, commitment phobic behavior includes those individuals that are “settling” for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationships as well as those fleeing from a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitment phobic.

Here are some clues, which apply to many (but not all) Commitment phobics

1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married – there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right person, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favorite line is “someday”.

2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.

3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent people.

4. They are fast to move toward a monogamous relationship, and they pursue ardently until they win the person over.

5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the other person’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.

6. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there’s a decision made to move in together.

7. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman’s family or friends.

8. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility. They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.

9. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.

10. Behavioral inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argument and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviors surface ex: working long hours, taking on new projects, not able to make social commitments with you, not calling back, finding fault with the person they are involved with.

11. The word “forever” terrifies them. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, creating sabotage to make the person want to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so themselves.

How you can handle a commitment phobic

Don’t rush into bed with these types, especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of. Take your time. Listen carefully to a person’s history and actions. As you continue to date, if they tend to exclude you from other areas of their life such as meeting friends, family, hobbies, social get-togethers, the writing is on the wall – beware. Understand that your love and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space might. If you still see things not coming together after some time, get out now…. OR be prepared  to not expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. You will not change them. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what they do, not what they say.

Favorite saying I once read:

A man of words but not of deeds is like a garden full of weeds.

Wishing you joy on your journey,

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site-
http://www.7-in-heaven.com

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »