Archive for the ‘Dating Dilemmas’ Category

Who makes the first move?

At our dating workshop 4/7/11 lead by Joe Fallarino of STAR COACHING, we discussed the topic CONFIDENT DATING TECHNIQUES and surprisingly enough, there were more men in attendance then females.

Joe brought and discussed some information supplied by the book “THE RULES”. This book was written by two women with some out of touch and outdated ideas about dating, yet also includes some very real rules still alive for dating.

Joe stated it was OK for a woman to make the first move, and the men in the room all seem to be agreeing with Joe!

I somewhat disagreed, siting that “men were from Mars” and cavemen at heart. MEN are hunters and seekers, love the chase and don’t have respect or pay much attention the the women that chase them.

Joe then polled the room of men and I asked the ladies their opinion.  Joe’s response from the guys was unanimous – all said they LIKED it when a woman made the first move. In fact one went to say it was sexy!

Now, I am kind of old school on this one, so I was surprised to see this reaction.

But I thought sure… guys like it if we make the first move, as they no longer have to worry about rejection! We women are now are put in that position. And another thought ran through my mind… only lazy or shy men will let women make the first move or how desperate a woman might be perceived by making the first move. Oh so complicated it seemed to be!

Then Joe made a simple statement – how about NO RULES?

Yes we need to think about our “moves” and respect each others space. It is somewhat like a game of chess each taking a turn after making a move. It doesn’t matter who makes the first move or the 2nd move, but that we wait after a move to see what the reaction was to make the next move.

Oh I forgot to mention that the men that said it was a turn on if the woman made the first move, also added- ONLY if they were attracted to that women. So, if they were not attracted they would be flattered but wouldn’t make a 2nd move.

Pursuing too hard, too fast will make the other person run no matter who makes the first move!

So go ahead ladies, take some initiative when some man interests you. Maybe by doing that you will stand out from the crowd! I provide both cell numbers (texting) and emails for the soft approach of contacting for the first time.

I got a call the other day to once again back this theory up, from a guy saying he was “impressed” Julie called him after the event to get together! And now he was going to check it out and take her out on a date

But ladies, let me still caution you, don’t make more then ONE move or one attempt on that first move or the table will turn. Best to go by my old rule of  “ no answer is an answer” and move on.

Anyone with some stories or opinions out there?

Wishing you joy on your journey,


7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- http://www.7-in-heaven.com

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This one is for all the ladies out there, that think there are no good guys left. There are plenty of them ladies! Here’s some food for thought on how you might be turning away opportunities by not being open minded.

Dear Gail:

I attended one of your SPEED DATING events and received a date match from that event.

The next day I sent the following email to the date match:

Hi Henrietta,

You and I had a  ‘speed-date’ with 7-in-heaven and since I am not that experienced at this speed dating thing, and have trouble sorting and keeping notes during/after

the ‘date’,  I have just a composite image and details about you. So let’s get together to fill in the details of each of our lives. Maybe we can be friends or…more?

I’ll call you in the next couple of days to work out a convenient time to get together for coffee, tea or light meal and some interesting conversation.

Looking forward to continuing the conversation.



I called Henrietta a day after that email, she answered and said she is just about to have dinner, she’ll call back and then, it seemed to me, she abruptly hung up!  AND she did not call later.

OK, I thought, let’s try again, you never know what’s going on in another person’s life – I’m trying not to judge.

I called again the next day, left message on cell phone. To date no return call.

Gail, I know men and women communicate in different ways and sometime don’t communicate at all and/or there is much potential for miscommunication, please review the above and give me the benefit of your view on what’s taking place here.

These real life dramas are like a chapter out of your relationship BLOG!




Dear Jake,

I am a straight shooter! Tell it like it is and based on what you wrote I would like to make this suggestion.

You seem like a low-key, easy going guy JAKE, and would best mesh with someone LIKE you.
Henrietta is a very attractive woman and has a lot of choices as a very pretty woman.
If I had to guess... I would say she was not impressed – that you didn’t EXACTLY know who she was- she may feel she should have STOOD OUT from all the rest, how could you NOT know?

Now, someone more down to earth, practical, would appreciate your honesty and know that they TOO could easily forget some details after meeting a group of people.
This gal, instead of being honest with you, decided to do the age old “blow him off by being unavailable” routine.

You did everything right. It just wasn’t a match, or she is checking out other options available from the event.

No answer is an answer, whether it is from a man or a woman.
Women do tend to be less upfront, as we Venus people… don’t like to hurt feelings so we ladies somehow think no answer is kinder.
BUT MARTIANS prefer a straight up – no thanks answer.

Ah yes, the differences of men and women.

Let this one go, you need to be with someone that is more understanding like yourself.

Wishing you joy on your journey,

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- http://www.7-in-heaven.com

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Dear Gail,

I have to ask you this question… a guy once told me that when a bunch of women come to a speed-dating event together as friends (or clique), some of them may already be in relationships and are just coming for support for their friend.

So not all the women are actually available? In addition, I was told that when women “huddle together” after the event, that they will decide who picks who so their is no competition amongst them.

Is this true?

From  “Team player


Dear “Team player”

Some of the points you make are true! And let me start by explaining not all women behave this way….

Yes we women from Venus do congregate much more then the men from Mars.

We go to the bathroom together, feel the need more urgently then the men to go to events together….

But the “huddle” amongst the girlfriends is more about comparing notes, to evaluate and crosscheck referenced information, not so much as to decide, “who gets who”.

Example: “OH… I didn’t know that about him… he told you that?

Trust me MEN do it too…. it’s just that women do it more.

As for women attending events that are already in relationships, I have to say no, that is not the norm. Honest women (or men) that are in relationships won’t attend a singles event as they risk meeting people that they might know! And then will have to explain to their significant other, “hey I know so-and-so told you they saw me there, but really, I was only there for my friend.”

It might be a bit difficult to explain…

I want you to know, I always encourage women to attend alone. They benefit so much more by attending alone.
Read my BLOG article about it!

I hope to enlighten a few women out there, how we must look to the guys when we do the SPEED DATING HUDDLE after the event is over.

Ladies, keep in mind, only YOU will know if that person you meet will be right for you after a few date to get to know one another. You don’t need your girlfriend’s approval, or information she gathered. You need to form your own opinion.

Thanks for attending team player!

All the best on your quest,

Gail Adams– Event Coordinator

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

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So you have been dating, you met someone you are really excited about, they are complimentary, attentive, full of excitement about the future. Then suddenly one day, they are MIA (missing in action) no return call for hours or a day or so. They explain they are just busy, nothings wrong but the distance seems to grow. Then it happens, they explain, “its not you its ME”

It could be they are commitment phobic

Commitment phobics are actually tortured souls full of FEAR. They are in a constant state of emotional conflict because of their negative irrational beliefs about love, commitment and relationships.

Generally, commitment phobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment and get married; yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain long-lasting connections. Why? because many have such a long list of must-haves, they probably may not find anybody ever! With the long list of expectations, it is a way of expressing, that they are commitment phobic people. Ironically, in romantic relationships, the commitment phobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for love with the frightening reality of “forever” leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating.

One potentially misleading aspect of commitment phobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is the only one with a problem!

In fact, commitment phobic behavior includes those individuals that are “settling” for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationships as well as those fleeing from a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitment phobic.

Here are some clues, which apply to many (but not all) Commitment phobics

1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married – there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right person, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favorite line is “someday”.

2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.

3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent people.

4. They are fast to move toward a monogamous relationship, and they pursue ardently until they win the person over.

5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the other person’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.

6. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there’s a decision made to move in together.

7. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman’s family or friends.

8. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility. They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.

9. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.

10. Behavioral inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argument and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviors surface ex: working long hours, taking on new projects, not able to make social commitments with you, not calling back, finding fault with the person they are involved with.

11. The word “forever” terrifies them. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, creating sabotage to make the person want to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so themselves.

How you can handle a commitment phobic

Don’t rush into bed with these types, especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of. Take your time. Listen carefully to a person’s history and actions. As you continue to date, if they tend to exclude you from other areas of their life such as meeting friends, family, hobbies, social get-togethers, the writing is on the wall – beware. Understand that your love and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space might. If you still see things not coming together after some time, get out now…. OR be prepared  to not expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. You will not change them. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what they do, not what they say.

Favorite saying I once read:

A man of words but not of deeds is like a garden full of weeds.

Wishing you joy on your journey,


7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

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At my SPEED DATING EVENTS, I give 2 types of “matches”
one is a “DATE MATCH” which of course everyone wants! That is the one you sit down with and there is no doubt you want to see this person again. The WOW effect.
Hopefully they feel the same way too!
But life isn’t always so black and white.
Sometimes the best loves are developed or cultivated by patience and persistence. SO I provide a second option which is a “FRIENDS MATCH”.

I am asked frequently and with no surprise… mostly from the gentlemen: what does a FRIENDS MATCH mean?
Well, it is someone that you met for only 7 minutes. Someone with whom you thought was just OK on first impression, and is somewhat interested…but not quite sure about a “DATE” quite yet.

What I suggest is “go slow” with the friends matches.

Meaning, make a connection or invitation on Facebook.
OR invite to meet on a Friday after work at a favorite happy hour place.
Send an email instead of a phone call to make connections.

She or He will either warm up- or not.

The person may become more and more interested if we stick it out a bit.

Of course it could go the other way too!

But nothing ventured nothing gained.

To check out this weeks events CLICK HERE


Lots of fun creative ways to enjoy life, make friends and fall in love!

All the best on your quest!


7 in-Heaven Singles Events

On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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Ahh yes the wonderful world of online dating.

If you are single, you probably are one of the estimated 20 million people a month that visit an online dating site.

And just think, that number doesn’t even include the married folks that are using online sites too!

Married and looking on the Internet is a big concern to those in marriages that are having some unresolved issues.

Even FACEBOOK has become one of the new ways to cheat, look up your old high school sweetheart, and pick up where you left off.

Problem is people can actually become addicted to online dating, as its like window-shopping with an endless supply of merchandise.

Always-new people to explore and the possibility of finding MR. or MRS perfect seem to be right around the corner. After all it should be very easy to achieve since it appears there is a bottomless pit of choices to pick from.

If someone is not exactly right for them, singles are less inclined to accept it and more likely to think hey… why settle? I can always get someone else who is just that little bit more perfect online.

This form of dating has changed the attitudes of those looking for a potential mate as it seems like it’s just an email or IM away to eternal happiness as opposed to years ago where you had to do the legwork and get out of the house to actually meet people.

And with this instant connection of dating, so have other trends increased.

I like to call it  “FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS ” are much more readily found.

Which I would define as … We like each other, we have a good time together, we’re attracted to each other, we have a lot in common but we’re not LTR material, BUT we can date until someone better comes along!”

I would say the word “disposable” sure does apply here.

Then there is SEXTING …

Text messaging dirty little messages back and forth, to keep the interest going. Which if you find you are spending more time doing more of this, then actually talking or seeing the person, to me that is one really a lame way to have sex.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that online dating is a terrible way to meet people. Many people have found great loves online. But just as many have been scammed, cheated on or lied to much more easily by using this method of dating. You must date with your feet planted firmly on the ground, and get your imagination and head out of the clouds!

Here’s a short list of pros and cons of online dating


  1. VERY easy to get a date – just post a decent profile with a decent picture and your off and running.
  2. You can “shop” more easily– an example is say you want to date only non-smokers, then you can sort your finds by that criteria
  3. You don’t have to limit your choices to your neighborhood. Can increase your odds by increasing your distance – no limits to where!


  1. Many Married-and- cheating are using the online dating sites these days as a way to meet unsuspecting singles. Not meeting in person and instead emailing and talking on the phone allow people to easily be something they are not.
  2. Picture may tell 1000 words, but nothing is more upsetting then to meet someone that doesn’t look like their picture at all. People use old pics or fake pics to make themselves more attractive then they really are. Meeting in person is when the moment of truth is set.
  3. The Blind Date: When you go on an online date, you really are going on somewhat of a “blind Date” except you have an idea of what that person looks like. Someone who doesn’t interest you can wind up monopolizing your whole evening! You get dressed, drive to go out to meet someone you almost immediately decide oh no… This one is not for me… yet winds up spending a polite amount of time with this single stranger then go home disappointed.
  4. Pass by good opportunities: Many times you may have passed someone by online; because they totally blew the way they put together their profile online. And nowhere does it count more with online dating; you only get one change to make a first impression.

Over the past 8 years I have been single since my divorce, I personally have gone on what seems like hundreds of online dates. Many of these dates taught me to have patience, and a sense of humor. When I started to feel frustrated with the whole process I decided to go back to the basics and get out and MEET people in person and not to have a mission, but to have a desire to meet someone with a mission to have fun.

Attending Speed Dating and other types of activities allow you to meet face-to-face with age appropriate single men and women locally where you live and work. The events make it easy to meet other singles. You don’t need to worry about whether or not anyone will talk to you. At Speed Dating, there’s no need to fear rejection because at the event no one is allowed to ask someone for a date.

When you think about it, there are all kinds of ways to meet people. I like to explain it as; we all have a goal, a destination to reach. To get to that destination, you could travel by plane, train, and car or bus… but once you get there you don’t really care how – you’re having too much fun to care. But some ways of traveling will be more comfortable, and faster!

I personally prefer the in person way to meet people. Many people have told me when it comes to online dating, they fair much better meeting in a casual way vs. the “interview” with a first online date. For an example – men that are under the height of 5’ 9” have told me, they often get passed by when online dating as people put in the exact height they hope for. But when these great guys meet in person their personality make up for the inch or two on the wish list of any woman.

Also less married and cheating attend single events, as they have to come out in the open and meet strangers that might recognize them as the married guy down the block!

(I did say less, there is no guarantees as some people really have you know what… and will cheat anyway, anyhow )

Check out our interactive activity events and our fun organized Speed-Dating event on the CALENDAR

Step away from the computer and come out and play.

All the best on your quest!


7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously

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Women say they want a nice guy, but do they mean it? It seems all too often that women pass up a perfectly good guy and go for the bad boy

And Ladies… have you ever asked yourself why do men seem to fall for the nasty mean B_ _  _ _ instead of the nice sweet girl?

Yes, no matter whether you are male or female, we all have at one time or another been attracted to one of those naughty girls or bad boys. Your heart was broken, you were cheated on, you gave everything you’ve got inside to them, yet you got little or nothing in return…you know what I’m talking about.

So what is it about “bad boys” or men that aren’t “available” that is attractive to women?

Have you ever dated a guy even though you knew he was a “bad boy” or found out soon into things yet kept dating him anyway?

And guys… do find yourself gravitating to women who are hateful, that seem to suck the life out of you, with her ever demanding rules, and bad girl behavior yet in the end for some reason you still missed her?

Is there a nice guy or nice girl in your life who would make a great companion but you’re not attracted to or share a great chemical “connection” with?

The reason is simple. Nobody wants to be with someone who is boring!

That’s why “jerks” seem to do so well initially attracting women.

And girls that stand their own and never give in or kiss-up attract the guys.

A guy friend of mine once told me – I’ve had women in the past be the “nice girl” with me. There’s two women that stand out that I remember that acted overly nice and sweet going overboard to try to get me to date them. Any attraction that was there, started going away… right away when they poured it on.

THE TRUTH of the matter is – kissing up, convincing and being too “sweet” can kill attraction.

The reason the attraction is killed is because in our subconscious, we react in ways you often can’t control and aren’t even aware of.  Being too “nice” sends a signal to a deep part of the brain that tells you “this person is too wishy washy, and isn’t desirable can’t protect therefore he is of lower status”.  AKA the “ ALPHA MALE “ syndrome.  I know, this might sound kind of dark, power-hungry or weird to you, but it’s what happens with us humans.

Men and women don’t value what they can have too easily, whether they want to admit it or not.

And sometimes it is for that reason, women and men don’t want to be with the right person who are probably much better relationship material and love companions.

Remember the scene in the movie- “Coming to America” with Eddie Murphy as the prince who is standing in front of the alter, ready to wed his beautiful bride? He talks with her right before the ceremony and asks her … “

What do you like? ….

She responds:  “whatever YOU like”

Prince asks: “what do you like to eat? “

Princess response: “whatever YOU like”

Her subservient answers continue, then the prince (Eddie Murphy) tells her to Bark like a dog and hop on one leg. When she does what he says.. He announces.. “I CANNOT MARRY this WOMAN! She does everything I say! “

Men and Women don’t respect a “YES MAN” not having a mind of your own. Someone with an opinion is someone that has the self-confidences that in turn makes you more attractive.

OK let’s admit it here… there’s something exciting about a man or woman who is assertive enough to tell you what he wants. The trick is to be exciting and desirable enough while still being a good, caring person.

Example- if you are a CPA for a living (a low risk very organized occupation that has to follow a lot of rules), try taking up skydiving or some exciting hobby. Anything can really make you more interesting if you just have a good sense of humor about it!

In the nice guys defense – they DO actually have something better to offer a woman in the long run of what she SAYS she wants (love, trust, companionship, passion), but some women aren’t able to see it or see the everyday guy as something they want.

You see, since women truly are conditioned to be “good girls,” sometimes we feel uncomfortable with or guilty about that pure sensual burning “I must have him!” feeling. That’s why we sometimes seek out a bad boy to serve as the object of these desires, says Cleveland psychotherapist Belleruth Naparstek, creator of the Health Journeys series of guided imagery tapes. “In order for the deliciousness of pure lust to be ‘okay,’ it has to be for the symbolic bad boy who has nothing to do with the rest of your life. With him, you can crank up your animal impulses, worry-free,” she says…

Wow…. interesting, huh?

And wouldn’t you know it – it works the same way for “nice women”. Being a “nice girl” can’t “convince” a guy to like you just because you do sweet things…
It just doesn’t work like that.

Like it or not, women DO feel that magical emotion called ATTRACTION for “bad boys”. They are strong willed; protective and doesn’t let people opinions get in their way. Of course, I don’t believe that men have to be jerks, or abuse women in order to make them feel attracted to them.  But women have a deep attraction mechanism that’s triggered by men who behave indifferent, superior, cocky… the list goes on and on… of “bad” behavior traits we gals seem to be wooed by.
“Bad boys” often create inviting and intoxicating forms of drama – often perceived as playfulness, sexuality and fun. When I first talk to women about the bad boy subject, they jump ALL OVER me and completely disagree and say “I don’t date the bad boys”. Then I ask them about some of the relationships they’ve had in the past.

And guess what?  Most women realize in the course of the conversation that they’ve dated men they knew fit the “bad boy” profile. What makes me laugh is that the realization makes them argue with me even more!

So why do women date and continue on with “bad boys”?

“We had a great connection”.  Some women call it “chemistry”.

The magic of a connection with a man can be extremely powerful. Often powerful enough to undo all sorts of normal  reasoning abilities like… get out of thisdanger ahead… and ways other ways of perceiving things.

Women picking and staying with the wrong men is the single biggest topic I have with single women when calling me to coming to their first single event.  It’s the most common reason why the thousands of women I tell me they can’t find the love and fulfillment they’re looking for.

But the real question is  “Do Women Date Naughty Guys but – Marry Nice Ones?”

Men and women actually do prefer a real woman or real man. Which why the wedding vows talk of Respect, Honesty, Loyalty and Love which is the basics anyone wants and needs in a good relationship.

I believe most healthy women and men act the way they want to be treated. So my best advise if she/he treats you badly don’t lower yourself to their level. If they are not respecting you… RUN and move on. You will find the woman / man for you that will rock your world.

I’ve run the gamut – been a ‘b_ _ _ _’ and have been a ‘doormat’ and am now beginning to reach some conclusions.

Basically, I believe its all about balance – this is true for both men and women. It’s a huge mistake to hit the extremes: either bitch or doormat,  jerk or weakling. The secret is (or must be, I should say!) to be as nice and sweet as you feel it is natural for you to be, but hold your own and always set limits. So when the man/lady in your life tries to test your boundaries (and they will) or see how far you will bend back or go, say no when you don’t feel comfortable and set boundaries.

It boils down to being truly honest with yourself (ask yourself: “am I really comfortable with doing this/that?”) and if the answer is “no”, then have the guts to say NO – it doesn’t have to be in a confrontational way, but frank and upfront way.

You will have your partner’s respect and your self-respect. And you won’t kill the
initial attraction with approval-seeking over-kind honey-dripping behavior or excited but scared attraction with mean behavior. There has to be that balanced middle ground. We just have to work on finding it.

If you are a guy reading this blog, trust me… there are women out there like me who are looking for good men like you.  Don’t give up.

I think women like the chase the same way men do. To work for the attention makes you feel he is not too needy or smothering. I think women AND men confuse confidence with arrogance or even disrespect! It is a fine line till you get to know the person better.

And ladies…don’t ever believe all the good ones are married or dating and there none left. There are a ton of great guys all the time at my events.

Maybe it is because the nice man or nice woman was simply just being too well…nice. Maybe they didn’t keep their identity with friends and hobbies.

Maybe they didn’t say no enough.

Sometimes I think when we find someone we really connect with…we are too available, or spend too much time in the beginning or give up too much information too fast or try to be their everything. It can be smothering to a person. I believe men or women don’t like an insecure clingy person. One can be nice and have a great time without making someone his or her complete world. I know… sometimes we are afraid of losing this great person…and so you go into the overly nice mode, too available…too giving… but it shows and backfires.

I believe that women, like men, don’t want a doormat. They want someone who loves them, gives them attention but still has their own life too. Unfortunately, some of us haven’t been taught this from the beginning and are still learning.

Knowing when to say the right thing, and can be very charming especially when the mood strikes and that’s what keeps us going back for more.
I’ve dated extremely nice men, but unfortunately, some of them didn’t know how to make me feel like a desirable woman.

I don’t think women set out to date men who treat them badly.  I know for myself, I have an uncanny way of falling for men who have treated me like a queen for the first few months and before I know it they have turned out to be ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’.

It’s is all about actively improving your ability to know what a good man or woman looks like for YOU and to help you pick ONLY the right person for now and for the future. Picking the wrong person can get you in all kinds of painful trouble it’s hard to get free of.

And of course, the bottom line is that we teach people how to treat us. If you don’t want to be treated like you’re unworthy, then don’t LET people treat you like you’re unworthy!

All the best on your quest!


Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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