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Erin and Tom’s Love Story


Before Tom

After my divorce and before I met Tom, I dated a couple of guys seriously and both times I got super heart broken.

I went into a period of just kind of giving up and not being selective. It was a really cruddy time. I was herding myself through a series of bad choices – dating people I knew it wouldn’t work with.

I got glimpses of what it would be like to have different qualities in a relationship. I dated men who wanted to commit to me or bond with my son Ben or move in together, but they were all like 25.

My friends called me out and said why are you dating 25 year olds who want to be serious with you, but aren’t really ready for it? They’re all too young for you.

I guess it was like getting the illusion of a committed relationship, but not what it would be like with an adult person.

Online Dating Rules

I had one friend who’d been online dating and she talked me into trying it out. At the same time I was doing Soulmate School and another program about being in my power.

So I signed up for a dating site and set new rules for myself.

I had been picking people out based solely on physical attraction and that wasn’t working out for me. The guys I was dating looked amazing on ‘minute one’ but then as I got to know them better they weren’t so great after all.

So with my new rules, I decided I was going to get to know people first and leave the physical stuff out of the game for awhile.

My First Rule was that anyone who asks me out that seems kind and respectful, I go out with him, regardless of looks.

For me it was about meeting and interacting with different people more than anything else.

I went on 20-25 dates in one month. In one day, I had a lunch date, met a guy for a drink after work, and then another guy for a dinner date.

Everyone I met was really nice. And I got to see all of them side by side. How they treated me. One would call when he said he would and then another wouldn’t.

It made it easy to let the not so good situations go without wasting too much time on them. Why would I put up with not being treated well, when there’s plenty of people out there who have their act together and are kind and respectful?

My Second Rule was if the first date wasn’t horrible I’d go on a second date, regardless of whether I was attracted to him or not.

Meeting Tom – No Spark at First

In the end there were 3 people that I was dating.

Tom was one of them.

The day before I met him for the first time, I called my friend and said I want a man who is all of it – adventurous and exciting and sexy and strong and masculine and nice and kind, thoughtful and caring.’ I said to her, ‘maybe I’m  being unrealistic. Maybe I should let that go and just accept that the kind of man who is one side is probably not the other’.

The next day was my first date with Tom.

I thought he was really nice and we had a lot in common and I liked talking to him, but there wasn’t a spark for me. Still I followed my second rule and went out with him again.

On our second date there was more of connection. He was nice, but quiet and all the things we talked about were fine, but again there wasn’t really that spark.

Third Date Fireworks

Then on the third date, it all changed.

He took me canoeing.

He’s a rock climbing and canoeing instructor, and he was totally in his comfort zone. It was like he lit up.

He started showing this adventurous, funny and witty side of himself. And I thought to myself ‘Oh my God, he might possibly be all of it. All of the things I thought I couldn’t have in one guy’.

It felt like everything we talked about that day was right on. There was this spark and connection there and it completely caught me off guard. I had thought if I didn’t feel that connection in the first moment of meeting then it wouldn’t happen.

All of a sudden, it felt really comfortable and exciting all at the same time. I had this knowing feeling of ‘this is it’.

If I had only judged Tom by his online profile, I wouldn’t have gone out with him.  I would have dismissed him as a nice guy but not lively enough for me.

Even after the first date I could have said he’s nice but ‘eh not really doing it for me’.

Tom felt the connection from the first time he saw me – when he saw me walk up on our first date. He thought to himself ‘oh whoa this is different’. Thank God I set those rules!

He’s the perfect combination of both sides of the spectrum – adventurous and masculine and kind and caring.

It’s only gotten better and better over time. We have so much fun all the time, even when we’re just hanging out and talking and being with each other.

Almost Sabotaged It

While we were dating I did a good job of keeping myself in check as far as the things you teach. I kept myself energized and stayed true to myself.

But all along the way I was on the lookout for it to fail.

As we kept getting closer and closer, I got really scared. I started making up issues that didn’t exist to try and protect myself.  I thought that I must be missing something really bad, because it couldn’t be this good.

Without your help and my brother’s help, I would have sabotaged it.

You both talked me out of a few situations where I might have shut it down. I remember thinking that I knew that I was ready because I was turning to people like you and my brother who kept me in it – where in the past I would have gone to other single friends who would say ‘oh just leave that’.

I knew somewhere inside me that this relationship was going good places, so I was careful who I went to for advice.

It was scary for both of us, but we were both willing to keep taking steps forward.

Getting Married

After nearly a year, we started talking about living together. I was clear that I didn’t want to move in without being married, because we both have kids. His son is 4 and mine is 8. They’ve always gotten along super well and really love each other, which is so wonderful.

So we found this really cute house and on the day they went to get the paperwork, I felt sick to my stomach. I loved Tom and I loved the house. I knew we were going to get married at some point, but the house was moving faster than the wedding situation was.

Tom is so wonderful at knowing when I’m off or something is up. So he asked me what was going on, and we had a conversation about why it was so important for me to be married before we moved in. We had talked about it before, but it had kind of gotten lost in the house looking.

Two days later he bought a ring and proposed to me under a giant tree (we both love trees and nature and being outside).

We got married 4 weeks later and moved into the new cute house the same day.

It’s funny in telling the story, it sounds like it all went really fast. We met in July and got married the following July. But it never felt fast. I knew that we’d be together after date 3. It was just about giving ourselves enough time to get to know each other.

I feel so grateful all the time, and I’ll often tear up out of love and gratitude when we’re talking. We support each other and are more in love than I even know what to do with sometimes. It’s just wonderful.

I couldn’t imagine a more perfect fit for me.

~~~~~~~

Gail Adams  Event Coordinator

7 in Heaven Singles Events

On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- www.7-in-heaven.com

631- 592-9804    EMAIL: info@7-in-heaven.com

Cupid shooting arrows for lovePersonal Matchmaking Services

by Gail www.HeavenlyMatch.net

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1. Procrastinator I’ll start dating next month, next year, when I lose weight, when I fix myself, when my kids grow up, and so on.

2. Worrier I’m afraid of rejection. Online dating is dangerous. If I go to an event I won’t know anyone, I am afraid of someone raping, kidnapping, or killing me.

3. Skeptic There is no use in trying. There is no one out there for me. I will never meet anyone. Women are all Bitches. Men suck. Most of the guys are not worth my time.

4. Beginner I don’t know the first thing about dating, and I am not ready to put myself out there.

The above questions came from : Berndt, Debra (2010). Let Love In: Open Your Heart and Mind to Attract Your Ideal Partner (p. 178). Wiley. Kindle Edition.

Once you can identify which one you are…it will be easier for you to work towards improving your success with dating.

Procrastinators – well you may have this problem in other areas of your life and as you may have already figured out, life will pass you right by if you don’t make a decision to get to it right now!

Worriers need to try to break it down a bit. Learning to let go more, understand we can’t control all outcomes but that shouldn’t stop you from trying. Many times we hear only the negatives and believe that this makes up the majority of the dating pool …NOT SO! Just like you.. there are millions of honest, loving singles out there..and less BAD GUYS then you think looking and searching as you read this right now.

Skeptic ah yes.. Guilty of this one myself, you must work hard everyday to be grateful, what IS going well in your life, and what you do have. This will keep the “boomerang” effect of the universes laws of attraction coming back to bite you in the ____

Beginners– This one is easy! Come on out to our events and see for yourself you have nothing to loose. Remember how scary it was learning to drive? And how thrilling it was to pass that drivers test? ( I was going to use the learning to ride a bicycle.. but for some of us that was a VERY long time ago) Anyway, when you attend your first event this will be the feeling you should walk away with. I DID IT! Wow, that wasn’t so hard after all in fact I HAD FUN!

So I hope to see you at an event soon … ALL of you Procrastinators, Worriers, Skeptics, and Beginners!

Check the online Calendar of Events

And just come on out, you’ll never know unless you GO!

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- http://www.7-in-heaven.com

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THE NEW RULES OF ATTRACTION

by NINA MALKIN

When it comes to finding love, there are certain truths that seem so irrefutable that anyone would be a fool not to follow them. Maybe you’re a firm believer that you can tell within seconds if you’re attracted to someone. Or, maybe you adhere to the idea that a first kiss says it all: if you feel fireworks, your date’s a keeper; if it bombs, you decide to cut your losses. While these romantic maxims have their fans, experts insist that these laws no longer hold true in today’s dating world. In short, many rules people choose to follow need a little revamping. To that end, we’ve consulted authorities in the field to bring you the most up-to-date strategies for finding someone you’ll click with romantically.

ImageOld rule: You can tell if you’re truly attracted to someone in three seconds.

New rule: You can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to someone until you’ve had three dates.

“Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s convenient to think you can tell whether you click with someone that quickly. But experts recommend cultivating a bit more patience by sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether you’re a match (or not). The reason? People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can someone truly relax and maybe build some rapport with another person. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term partnering potential. “An important part of a compatible relationship is ensuring that each partner’s values coincide — and to learn that takes time, discussion, observation, and interpersonal interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues,” says James C. Piers, Ph.D., professor and program director of social work at Hope College in Holland, MI. So, don’t write someone off (or fall head over heels) until you’ve done your due diligence.

Old rule: Your mate must meet all the criteria on your “must-have list.”

New ruleImage: A “must-have list” looks great on paper, but it won’t keep you warm at night.

You can check off the attributes you want — appearance, background, education, career, salary, etc. — but unless you’re building your partner in a lab, you’re almost certainly missing out. Of course, you should have standards and not settle for a two-packs-a-day smoker who doesn’t want kids when you’re allergic to cigarette smoke and eager to start a family… but settling for nothing less than perfection is unrealistic. “Wish lists are a classic recipe for unsuccessful dating,” says relationship coach Hu Fleming, Ph.D. “They’re too limiting and don’t allow for chemistry, which is more intangible and valuable.” Try to be flexible, especially when it comes to physical or material attributes like someone’s height, salary, or hair color. After all, just because someone’s 6’2”, blonde, or makes six figures doesn’t mean he or she will make you happy, so do yourself a favor and treat your wish list describing your ideal mate as just one factor in deciding who’s right for you.

ImageOld rule: Opposites attract.

New rule: Opposites attract and they attack! 

Dating your diametric opposite might mean feeling the surprise of relating to someone really new and different than your usual type, trading lots of challenging banter, and sharing scintillating chemistry — but sustaining a partnership with this person may ultimately prove to be unfulfilling. “The classic couple with nothing in common except their on-fire fights plays well in the movies, but in real life, that attraction fizzles quickly,” says Alyssa Wodtke, coauthor of Truth, Lies, and Online Dating: Secrets to Finding Romance on the Internet. “If you don’t like to do the same things, there will be nothing for you to do outside of the home. And if you don’t want the same things for the future, what kind of future can you have?” We’re not saying that you should end up with someone identical to yourself, but ideally, it should be someone who complements your personality (see the next rule for more details).

Old rule: Your date’s taste in music (or movies, or books) mirrors yours — so you must be soul mates.

ImageNew rule: You want to fall in love with a person, not a playlist.

Sometimes you meet someone and have so much in common, you just know it must be love. After all, each of you has seen Phish perform at least a dozen times and know the works of David Sedaris inside and out. But don’t confuse having mirror-image tastes with romantic chemistry. In fact, it’s probably better if your interests don’t match up exactly. Not only does that leave room for you to expand your boundaries and dabble in pursuits that your partner digs, it also means you two will probably have little trouble maintaining some healthy independence. “Some of the best relationships are those where both parties have completely independent hobbies and allow for the concept of ‘his, her and our’ time,” notes Dr. Fleming. So, take it as a good sign if you spend the occasional Saturday night apart — with you doing dips at ballroom dancing class and your date doing the wave at an NBA game, for example.

Old rule: Your first kiss should be a toe-curling experience.

New rule: Your first kiss is ultimately inconsequential.

In fairy tales, an amazing first kiss leads to happily ever after — no wonder we place such importance on that primary pucker! But there are ample reasons Imagewhy a first kiss from a potentially great partner can go awry (like nervousness or a less-than-ideal setting) — and just as many to explain why a first kiss from Mr./Ms. Wrong can feel so right (you’ve just been dumped and are looking for validation, perhaps?). “A kiss can be a romantic, erotic experience with someone you find physically attractive, but a relationship will crumble without more complex attributes, like shared values,” points out Dr. Piers. So rather than write someone off following a less-than-mindblowing kiss, smile and move in slowly for smooch number two — either at that moment or on a subsequent date. Trust us, you owe it to yourselves.

Old rule: When it’s true love, you think about the other person constantly.

ImageNew rule: When it’s true love, thinking about the other person makes you feel good.

Hmm, has Willie Nelson’s cover of “Always on My Mind” become the theme song for how you feel about your sweetie? That may not be for the best. “Constantly thinking about another person isn’t love, it’s infatuation, and infatuation has no correlation with being a good match,” says Dr. Fleming. Ultimately, it’s a better gauge to assess the quality of your thoughts rather than the quantity. “If you have warm and comfortable feelings when you think about your date, that indicates a relationship built on stability, trust and a strong ‘friendship’ factor, denoting a relationship that will more likely wear well over time,” says Dr. Piers. If, on the other hand, your relationship keeps you up all night as you analyze this person’s emails for hidden messages that reveal his or her true feelings, you may be chasing down someone who doesn’t really want to be yours.

Article written by : Nina Malkin

All the best on your quest!

Gail

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