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Hi Gail,

I received my matches and honestly do not understand why the lack of matches (?)   I felt a very  good connection with many of the younger women on at least a person level.  Perhaps it is simply an age thing at this point?  I know I am older now, maybe the issue revolves more around being gray and bald? I take really good care of myself and from my perspective, even subtracting for age, I think I would be fairly appealing on various levels to a younger woman.  In the not too distant past, I tried speed dating before and 12 of 15 women were interested.  Any helpful pointers you could offer I would appreciate.  Thanks

Signed “Mr. 49”

___________________________________________________

Dear Mr. 49,

The group of ladies you met last time when you received all those matches were all in the age range of 42-52 – this group of ladies was much younger.

Let me start by saying I can totally understand why older men go for younger women. There’s no denying that they’re, for the most part, in better shape, with better skin, and less baggage from broken relationships.

We older folks may always argue why its best to pick the older mate because “Time creates wisdom”

This is true… but it also creates responsibilities and complications –

Divorce scars, mortgage, kids, career, etc.

All of this makes dating more and more complex as we get older.

Hey…let’s face it ladies, it’s a lot easier for an older man with all these responsibilities, to take out a carefree, responsibility free, baggage free, good looking wrinkle free 28-year-old girl!

Now… before any 45+ people get all hot and bothered about this, understand I myself have reached my 52nd birthday and I’m not condoning this. I’m simply just OBSERVING that it happens.

And what I also observe, is Men may want much younger women, but rarely do much younger women want older men. Put another way, if a woman in her 30’s has an array of other quality options closer to her age range, what incentives would she have to date a man who is 10 or more YEARS OLDER?

Not many, I’m thinking.

But I bet you are saying to yourself right now…

Hey you’re wrong… I am the exception the 30something year old WILL want  !

I don’t look or feel my age…and my last girlfriend was 15 years younger.

OK so she left me when I lost my job … but we really did love each other!!!

She understood the advantages in dating a 49 year-old guy. He’s a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already (ok she did complained a little about the visitation things and my X-wife).

My much young x-girlfriend told me she likes older men because we embody wisdom and stability. We can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. We’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twenty-something party boy! She even told me once I remind her of her father… strong, nurturing guy who took care of her and treated her like a princess.

Dear older man … there is nothing wrong with you being attracted to a fertile and youthful woman in her 30’s. Really. I’m not judging you. But you must understand that any woman you desire in that age group has choices. Lots and lots of choices. The guy who’s 45- 55 is not on the top of her list. Yes its true. It’s competitive out there for all of us. People have choices. She can go out with a cute, successful man who is 35. Or 40. Or 45. Or 50.

And nobody has more choices than a 30-year-old woman. If she wants to date a guy who is 6’2”, makes $400,000+, likes skiing, is within ten miles of her house and five years of her age, you know what? She could probably find him. All she has to do is go online, and wade through a few thousand applicants, go to a few happy hours or attend a few singles events and have a few 1000 options. The point is, she doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45 when can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40. She doesn’t need a 49 almost 50 something year old guy who will be taking Viagra when she’s in her sexual prime.

Are you getting the idea?

This does not mean that you’re not a great looking in shape guy for your age with a ton to give and the purest intentions. Bald is HOT to many woman,  AND you will on occasion meet a few much younger gals are not so age focused.  What you’re failing to recognize is that what most successful quality younger women really want for the long haul… A peer. A partner or maybe a youthful father for her unborn children to help her raise them.

Not a father figure for herself.

Single middle-aged men and women clients will tell me…”I can’t help what I’m attracted to” And hey, I don’t blame them. However, as long as they close their minds to not dating people who are age-appropriate, they’re really going to struggle and fail miserably.

Singles need to be more flexible about the age thing. Youthful extremely attractive people have tons of options and can afford to be choosy. AND as long as they have the perception of choice, they’re going to choose to trade up for someone a little bit cuter, a little bit richer, a little bit closer. It’s not fair, it’s not right, it just is.

I know… we are just human and want what WE want, even if what we want is unrealistic. So much so are we dazzled by looks and youth that we pass up amazing people OUR OWN AGE who are a much better fit for us.

Yes there will be some younger women that will overlook your age. They usually are the type that have a strong lust of money or maybe they need a daddy figure, but most of the 30 somethings I talk to, are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive.

Okay, older men – write to me and tell me why I’m wrong. But don’t forget, you and your younger girlfriends are the EXCEPTION. I’m writing about the RULE.

We all have to come to terms with the person in the mirror as we age. We are no longer on the outside are the youthfully looking person we were 15 years or more ago Mr. Peter Pan…
YES I could afford plastic surgery – how about a face lift, breast lifts, Liposuction or more…
If you ever saw the movie “death becomes her” you would know how I really feel about that kind of stuff.! lol
In the movie, Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn fought dearly to keep their youth.. and paid dearly for it in the end.

Why not accept someone who likes you for you not your money or social status? Keep your box of options wide open and remember ….

Age is just a number.


All the best on your quest!,

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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”J” wrote in:

Though I don’t think I had an interest in anyone at the event last night, and I had fun and met some nice people, – it felt sad, kind of down on myself that no one had an interest in me.   I usually meet people easily just in the everyday world and then I go to an event and feel rotten about myself  – yeah, ugly, old, and out of sorts…….

I think it just feels more natural when it is an event that one likes but not specifically geared towards “hey I’m single, I’m here and are you interested?”   I maybe might try it one more time, but not in a comfort level when I’m at an event that labels me as “single”.  Now tell me… is this stupid or what?

———————————————————————————————————-

Dear “J”

Thank you for allowing me to understand what is going on with your emotions regarding being single.
As an intuitive person, and my life experience interviewing people, I can get a good (not GREAT… just good) idea of what might be going on behind the scenes

1. First this  type of event- an activity mixer event, is not structured the same as a REGULAR SPEED DATING event, where the focus of the whole evening is on the “score sheet” which… by the way, I never call it.

I refer to it as a Secret Ballot.

That’s because the whole concept of “rating” comes to mind with the word “Score” and that is really not what its about.
Just like yourself, you are attracted to some but not everyone.

We are all the same. Some will be attracted to you, but maybe you will not be attracted to them. OR maybe you are attracted but the other is not attracted to you.

A MATCH is when the 2 lucky people agree… they are both attracted to each other.
We should do our best, to try to understand this is not personal!!

It is… what it is…… ONE person’s opinion and not attracted to us, BUT so many others ARE attracted to us!

2. About being single… I don’t remember if you told me what your situation was… but my guess is that you (like myself) were married or in a very long committed relationship and now are single.
People that have been single all their lives understand stand this world so much better!     I had a bit of a learning curve myself, since I had met my husband at 19, married at 22 and then single again at 45.
Girl let me tell you, I still a work in progress!
Some suggested reading for you on being single TURN YOUR CAB LIGHT ON…
above is a link to a used copy CHEAP at Half.com
Maybe I like this author because she is ALSO a recruiter turned dating adviser just like ME!    I like the no-nonsense advise she gives.

3. I think just like all of us, you need to consider what to work on first … and I think it’s about being more comfortable being single… being “labeled” as SINGLE, and realizing its not that bad.
It’s a state of being. If you have had a few rotten relationships in your life, you know there is nothing easy about dealing with a rotten relationship! Being single has it challenges too, but it’s never as lonely being single and alone then being in a rotten relationship AND being alone!!!

Its interesting that you wrote you don’t want to be labeled as single, when in fact so many PAY to go to event just so they can be with those that are like themselves … SINGLE. I mean who wants to be hanging around couples on a night out. For example let’s take New Years eve, when the whole thing is so focused on being a couple that night! If I spent the night with a bunch of people that were not single… then that’s when I would feel most awkward. Especially since now that I have been single for coming up to 8 years. (I was married 22 yrs)

I would rather spend my time with others making new single friends, that in fact, will give me the opportunity to meet someone I will have a future with and maybe BE a couple again.
Am I making any sense here or what?
Please do write me your thoughts on this subject comments below or …

So what’s so BAD about being single? (polls)

 

Wishing you joy on your journey,

PS – Got a friend that needs some encouragement?
Forward this blog – they’ll thank you for it!

 

on your search for the one we make being single fun

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com


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Hungry Ghosts looking for Love

From one of my favorite books  – Zen and the Art of Falling in Love

What is a Hungry Ghost?

Someone who cannot find love.

Its not that love has not come their way… Hundreds of time in their life they are led to tables spread with endless food and precious delights, but no matter how much they eat (date)… they cannot be satisfied. Either they aren’t at the table in time, or can’t seem to taste the food or no matter how much they put in their mouths, they continue to search for more. Hungry ghosts might sample one relationship after another yet not knowing how to digest it, never satisfied.

 

They never know or get to know the REAL person who is actually standing right in front of them.

 

All they know is that they want more… and more… and more…

 

They fantasize that someone ELSE… the “perfect person” is about to walk through the door.

 

Certain wounded hungry ghosts, may appear like they are available for love, but they really only have an intention to “play the game” the game of seducing and teasing and when love does find them…they reject the person. Their pleasure is in withdrawing the love they seem to be offering. This provides these ghosts with a sense of control so that nobody will ever control them through the strange experience of love.

 

Hungry Ghosts are the single people who enter huge rooms filled with hundreds of single people and immediately say “ there is no one here tonight” they cannot experience or be satisfied with that which life presents. In terms of relationships, they go around and around on a merry-go-round grabbing for the gold ring which is always just beyond their reach. OR if they do catch it, they soon discover to their horror that it is not actually gold! but brass.

 

All of this is exhausting and disheartening and makes the hungry ghost very sad.

 

Even when they are with someone they love, they often wonder, could someone else be their TRUE soul mate out there? Could they missing them?

 

Their painful affliction, which has become quite familiar, has become hard to change.

Its almost like they have developed an affliction for this pattern. Maybe they love being alone?

 

What the hungry ghost is lacking is the one missing very important ingredient to falling in love…

 

PATIENCE

It takes time for a person to feel at home in a relationship and to reveal whom they really are so you can see the good inside. It takes time to wait for another and to develop true caring and trust.

Hungry ghost however have a difficult time with patience.

Starving for food and love they will often grab at anything just to satisfy themselves. Sometimes don’t even know the difference between food and garbage! They take in anything in anyway just as long as they can immediately feel full … it’s the hollow feeling they can’t tolerate that drives their lives.

 

Does this information seem to describe you somewhat?

Hungry Ghosts never satisfied?

What can you do to change to become more successful and break the bad karma?

 

First and foremost we must STOP our attachment to the patterns and false notions that the love we so desperately crave comes from somewhere, or someone else. When we are dependent upon the external world to fulfill us, sooner or later the rock we keep trying to roll up the mountain begins to fall down.

Conditions change

People leave

Our sense of ourselves falters with the changes

 

Without the hardships, how can we appreciate what is valuable? And just as quickly, love can happen in a second, but we have to be open and ready to accept it.

 

We discount so many on first impressions while we are waiting for the “right one” to appear.

 

Take time today to relax, to be patience.

To know wishing or demanding love to happen NOW will only prolong your search.

 

Enjoy life as best you can, enjoy the days, evenings and weekends making new friends even if you don’t meet “the one” that very night.

 

To check out this weeks events CLICK HERE

 

Lots of fun creative ways to enjoy life, make friends and fall in love!

All the best on your quest!

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!


visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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You can comment below anonymously

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Ahh yes the wonderful world of online dating.

If you are single, you probably are one of the estimated 20 million people a month that visit an online dating site.

And just think, that number doesn’t even include the married folks that are using online sites too!

Married and looking on the Internet is a big concern to those in marriages that are having some unresolved issues.

Even FACEBOOK has become one of the new ways to cheat, look up your old high school sweetheart, and pick up where you left off.

Problem is people can actually become addicted to online dating, as its like window-shopping with an endless supply of merchandise.

Always-new people to explore and the possibility of finding MR. or MRS perfect seem to be right around the corner. After all it should be very easy to achieve since it appears there is a bottomless pit of choices to pick from.

If someone is not exactly right for them, singles are less inclined to accept it and more likely to think hey… why settle? I can always get someone else who is just that little bit more perfect online.

This form of dating has changed the attitudes of those looking for a potential mate as it seems like it’s just an email or IM away to eternal happiness as opposed to years ago where you had to do the legwork and get out of the house to actually meet people.

And with this instant connection of dating, so have other trends increased.

I like to call it  “FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS ” are much more readily found.

Which I would define as … We like each other, we have a good time together, we’re attracted to each other, we have a lot in common but we’re not LTR material, BUT we can date until someone better comes along!”

I would say the word “disposable” sure does apply here.

Then there is SEXTING …

Text messaging dirty little messages back and forth, to keep the interest going. Which if you find you are spending more time doing more of this, then actually talking or seeing the person, to me that is one really a lame way to have sex.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that online dating is a terrible way to meet people. Many people have found great loves online. But just as many have been scammed, cheated on or lied to much more easily by using this method of dating. You must date with your feet planted firmly on the ground, and get your imagination and head out of the clouds!

Here’s a short list of pros and cons of online dating

Pro’s

  1. VERY easy to get a date – just post a decent profile with a decent picture and your off and running.
  2. You can “shop” more easily– an example is say you want to date only non-smokers, then you can sort your finds by that criteria
  3. You don’t have to limit your choices to your neighborhood. Can increase your odds by increasing your distance – no limits to where!

Con’s

  1. Many Married-and- cheating are using the online dating sites these days as a way to meet unsuspecting singles. Not meeting in person and instead emailing and talking on the phone allow people to easily be something they are not.
  2. Picture may tell 1000 words, but nothing is more upsetting then to meet someone that doesn’t look like their picture at all. People use old pics or fake pics to make themselves more attractive then they really are. Meeting in person is when the moment of truth is set.
  3. The Blind Date: When you go on an online date, you really are going on somewhat of a “blind Date” except you have an idea of what that person looks like. Someone who doesn’t interest you can wind up monopolizing your whole evening! You get dressed, drive to go out to meet someone you almost immediately decide oh no… This one is not for me… yet winds up spending a polite amount of time with this single stranger then go home disappointed.
  4. Pass by good opportunities: Many times you may have passed someone by online; because they totally blew the way they put together their profile online. And nowhere does it count more with online dating; you only get one change to make a first impression.

Over the past 8 years I have been single since my divorce, I personally have gone on what seems like hundreds of online dates. Many of these dates taught me to have patience, and a sense of humor. When I started to feel frustrated with the whole process I decided to go back to the basics and get out and MEET people in person and not to have a mission, but to have a desire to meet someone with a mission to have fun.

Attending Speed Dating and other types of activities allow you to meet face-to-face with age appropriate single men and women locally where you live and work. The events make it easy to meet other singles. You don’t need to worry about whether or not anyone will talk to you. At Speed Dating, there’s no need to fear rejection because at the event no one is allowed to ask someone for a date.

When you think about it, there are all kinds of ways to meet people. I like to explain it as; we all have a goal, a destination to reach. To get to that destination, you could travel by plane, train, and car or bus… but once you get there you don’t really care how – you’re having too much fun to care. But some ways of traveling will be more comfortable, and faster!

I personally prefer the in person way to meet people. Many people have told me when it comes to online dating, they fair much better meeting in a casual way vs. the “interview” with a first online date. For an example – men that are under the height of 5’ 9” have told me, they often get passed by when online dating as people put in the exact height they hope for. But when these great guys meet in person their personality make up for the inch or two on the wish list of any woman.

Also less married and cheating attend single events, as they have to come out in the open and meet strangers that might recognize them as the married guy down the block!

(I did say less, there is no guarantees as some people really have you know what… and will cheat anyway, anyhow )

Check out our interactive activity events and our fun organized Speed-Dating event on the CALENDAR

Step away from the computer and come out and play.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!


visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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Hey Gail,
Great advice on your blog. We single people do appreciate it. I think as a single man who is 44 its really hard to meet single women. I see women I would like to meet but am afraid to approach them because they never smile and sometimes even look angry.
Am I doing something wrong? Or are all women on long island stressed out? lol.
I have lived in the south and the women in Florida and Georgia seem friendly and they smile. But up here on Long Island its kind of different. I have heard the women here are kind of stuck up because its long island and they grew up with money and maybe that has something to do with it. Whats your insight on this?
From “T”

———————————————————————————————-

Interesting question “T”

I was born and raised right here on Long Island I so let me try to give you some insight on this place. No we did not all grow up with money. We have poor towns and rich towns here on LI.
However, you are correct about it being more difficult to break the ice here then other parts of the country. My oldest daughter who now lives in N. Carolina will be the first to tell you, life is different off the Island of LONG (Long Island)

Long Island people, men and women in general tend to be a bit more “guarded”. We don’t rush to say HI to everyone person walking down the street, or talk to “strangers” in the store so readily. Sometimes we move into apartments or houses and don’t even know our neighbors for years!
I think this is because we New Yorkers don’t trust as easily. I could be because of the crime rate, we are always concerned someone is a predator out to rip us off, steal or worse.

ALSO – I do think that in this area of NY, more women do seek men with education and or better income jobs. We New Yorkers have more taxes, more expenses then most parts of the country – so income is very important to survive.

Women on LI in general – take better care of themselves. Nails, clothes, the gym, education, so those that do make that investment in themselves expect a higher quality man – higher dividends for that investment.

But here is some GOOD news for you about LI and NY in general  …
There are
210,000 more single women than single men in the New York metropolitan area! More single women then any other part of the USA.
This makes it a “buyer’s market” for men, and super-competitive for women.
In your age group (35-49) – I have twice as many women calling for single events then men.

So how do you break the ice to meet all these beautiful Long Island women?

Attend some of these events, which bring in the girls!

WINE TASTING events are a BIG favorite of women. Last Feb. 2010 at the Planetarium’s we had 67 singles attend a wine tasting and star-viewing event and 50 of them were women!
SPEED DATING has an equal balance of men and women- (the women’s seats are filled long before the guys!) and there we LI women are forced to break away from the pack of girlfriends and talk with you individually.
Much better for you, and you will see, add some humor to the table and you will see those hardened LI girls sport their beautiful smiles!

SPORTS and ACTIVITY events – Such as Bowling, Billiards, Exercise (yoga, martial arts) Comedy shows, ALL have had a higher women to men ratio of attendance! and even if you don’t meet someone, you have will have a fun night out and make some new friends.

So cheer up, we may be a bit more challenging to meet, but we Long Island girls are worth the effort.

All the best on your quest,

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site-
http://www.7-in-heaven.com



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Have you ever found yourself in the company of a professional dater? Also called the “serial dater” or “player” ?  When you meet them, they will tell you that they really don’t warm up to a lot of people, but they feel such a connection with you and would like to get to know you better. SO you meet for coffee, and wow, they think you’re the next best thing since sliced bread!

They chat you up on instant messenger or TEXT constantly for a couple of weeks and then bam, nothing. And then you find out, they’ve practiced the same line on a friend of yours who’s new on the online dating scene when you exchange notes with your friend and realize you’ve met a serial dater. He or She is dating about 3-6 times a week (depending on how good a juggler they are)

The Urban Dictionary describes the “serial dater” as:

One who engages in the process of systematically dating an obscene amount people in short span of time. This definition encompasses but is not limited to internet dating, bar dating, long distance flirtations, phone service dating, blind dating, expiration dating, match making, one night stands, friends with benefits, and personal ad surfing. Can be considered a politically correct alternative to word “player” both with and without a negative connotation.

Deep down you might find that the serial dater is actually someone who feels like they always need a boyfriend or girlfriend. Often, serial daters believe they are in love after dating for two days. These relationships usually last for about two weeks, followed by much moping and heartbreak until the next guy or girl comes along two days later, at which point the cycle begins again. These people are often insecure and need another person to boost their self-esteem.

Where do you meet them?

Online dating sites make it a piece of cake to be a serial dater. Many men and women get addicted to these sites always thinking that the BIG PRIZE CATCH is just another click away. Serial daters are like hungry ghosts always on the move, never satisfied and never settling. They are not bad people, they are just restless souls who are seeking love and really don’t have an ulterior motive of using and taking like the “player” does.

“Players” have an agenda and a motive of getting involved for a reason (sex or money) and consciously tells you what you want to hear, to get you to that place… then leave you.

The Bachelor hunk Jake Pavelka has juggled 25 bachelorettes, weeding out 21 to leave him with a final four, but the pilot admits that serial dating just isn’t his thing.

Here is a list of some of the traits/characteristics of a typical serial dater :

1.         Professionals, established over forty, and has never been married.

2.         Make claims that he wants to settle down and get married but the truths is he has not never been in a committed relationship that last over two years.

3.         The first few dates may be fantastic, but soon he simply stops calling (or she won’t answer your calls) without even a break-up notice.

4.         They are charming but can never seem to be able to achieve psychological intimacy (although he has no problem getting you into bed with him).

5.         Loves to talk about his work above all other topics.  The reason behind this is that they are married to their jobs, which is why they aren’t married to a person).

6.         They always know the latest buzz on where the trendy bars and restaurants are– often even before they are open (the serial dater is always more excited to be seen at hot spots than spending time with someone he could potentially share his life with).

7.          They prefer to spend their weekends alone or with their buddies and have no interest in seeing you except the weekdays.

If you see a number of these traits popping up… keep your feet planted firmly on the ground. Don’t run away with your thoughts, and if needed, move on quickly.

The bottom line is that, sometimes, we all may allow ourselves to be taken in by people who are more into the dating game than seeking out “the one”.

Remember to not take it personal and never lose faith that the majority of us are good honest people just looking for the real deal.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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About 65% of the singles that attend my events are divorced. The other 35% are made up of widows and those singles-never married.  Almost all have been in long lengthily relationships or marriages, and suddenly find themselves single. Becoming suddenly single again after a long time is like taking up residency in a foreign country and not speaking the language very well.  So what are the rules in this country anyway?

Now anyone that knows me, I am not a big fan of a bunch of rules I’m a rebel at heart. But one must know the rules first in order to break them!

Now there are no hard, fast rules when it comes to dating. Although if you read the dating book called  “the RULES” these chicks will tell you there are some rules women must never break! I read the book and found 70% to be ridiculous and 30% I had to begrudgingly agree with.

So what information do you need most to get out there and start over?  Well for starters do a good assessment of yourself to see if you dealt with all the emotional baggage and feel truly ready to date. If you have forgiven yourself and your past and moved on; you will probably do fine. (You might want to read- * Adjusting, letting go, forgiving after a breakup)

Here some basics to keep in mind when you start dating again:

1. Be true to yourself first.
Now that you are newly single, try to bring balance to your life. You may be eager to date but don’t forget to make time for yourself as well as spend time with friends and family. Date if you feel ready but don’t make it your whole life.

2. Form new relationships with other single people.
If you don’t already have single friend, then find some. Go to single events with the mindset that if I don’t meet the woman or man of my dreams, finding a new single friend will be very helpful. For single ladies, I hold a monthly singles ladies brunch just for this reason to make new single friends. Your married friends are great, but they can’t always relate to your single status and can’t join you on single adventures. A single woman can never have enough single girlfriends for support and to pal around with. Check our Calendar of Events for the next single ladies brunch by you.

3. One date does not form a relationship.
It’s important to know that everyone you date will not be interested in a second date. Just because you were interested in a second date doesn’t mean they have to be. Don’t let the fact that you don’t get called to go out again, make you want to give up or cause you to think negatively about yourself. Move on to the next person and be willing to go through a process of elimination, which could take some time. Don’t take going out on dates too seriously, that you project your thoughts way to far into the future.

4. Don’t come on too strong.
If you were in a long term marriage then you are used to being part of a couple. Divorce means lots of changing and growing for an individual. Bad habits, new place to live, new friends may all be a part of your new life as a newly single individual. Don’t let the couple habit cause you to come on too strong and chase someone special away. You are dating, not stalking so be careful not to overwhelm.

5. Don’t forget to respect yourself.
Go slowly when it comes to sharing information about yourself with a date. It will convey a sense of self – respect and create mystery. So, keep the details to a minimum until you know they are worthy of hearing them. Leave the details of your divorce at home. It’s a date, not a therapy session.

6. The world is your test tube.
Approach the dating game with an attitude of openness and experimentation. It is possible that every date you go on, could lead you to Mr./Ms. Right but… keep an open mind and your feet planted firmly on the ground and you will at least learn something new on every date you go on.

7. Try something new.
Don’t box yourself in with the idea that you have a “type” that you are attracted to. Change those old thought process, step outside your head and broaden your horizons. You may find that what you thought would make you gag, actually makes you happy. Read- * Dating with a Champagne taste with a Beer pocket

8. Never underestimate the power of flirting.
Nothing is more fun than flirting and nothing helps you connect to another person quicker than being playful. Be charming and delightful, show some vitality. Keep it light and festive, not deep and serious. Keep your mind in the moment and not on the long term goal of falling in love. Read* Flirting is the ultimate welcome

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
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A gentleman who attended a SPEED DATING event recently, inquired about an interesting question.

I don’t understand why women say YES (mark me down as a match) when in fact they really mean NO? I call, or I email a friendly hello and invitation, yet they do not respond.

No response, which is actually kind of rude. Why do they say yes in the first place?

————————————————————————————————-

Well dear gentleman, I did some research for this one. And also know a few things about it from being a woman myself!

For starters: Many people (women even more so) are uncomfortable about saying no.

Here are some reasons why

1. She says yes because she wants to stop the other person from feeling upset or hurt by saying “no thanks”, she doesn’t want to let anyone down.

2. She says yes because she fears the other person will be upset with her, or be disappointed in her and be angry with her.

(*Food for thought…. are you pushing too hard for a YES from her?)

3. She says yes because…. saying yes means avoiding having a difficult conversation about saying “no thanks”.

4. She fears being judged or criticized by you, so she tries to avoid this by saying what she thinks you want to hear. (Not your issue this is hers!)

5. She says yes because she fears she might not be asked again…. but then discovers the guy she REALLY wanted, does say YES too. So she tosses the “maybes” out.

So how can we change this?

Well first we have to remember… we can’t change anyone else, just ourselves.

If someone says YES when they really mean no, understand it is something going on with THEM not you. Sometimes its because the other person’s confidence is low and doesn’t set good bounties and place their own priorities first.

Wanting to be liked isn’t a bad thing. But when someone makes their own value and worth dependent on what others think, then they have created a scenario that doesn’t allow them to take care of themselves sometimes caring for you means disappointing someone else.

Ever hear the expression have to cruel to be kind ? Meaning that you sometimes have to be somewhat harsh (say no thanks) so that a person understands what you have to say. Men in particular appreciate a woman that knows what she wants, even if it’s a no thanks.

Its more respectful to say no thanks- I don’t think we are a match then lead the person down a road you never wanted them on in the first place!

So how can we say no the first time and politely?

1. Remember no is a perfectly good answer!

2. Buy some time if you’re not sure, say “Can I get back to you on that?”

3. Do not justify your answer. If someone asks WHY do you think we are not a match? Simply say “ because we are not a match” you don’t need to explain.

4. Remember you are saying no to the request not the person and in the person will appreciate your honesty and forthright decision.

It’s important to keep in mind, when we are on the receiving side of the No thanks… we must also respect that decision.  That the “no thanks” we received was actually an act of kindness in the grand scheme of things.

Because maybe NEXT time, we will get an absolute YES from him and an absolute YES from her with no doubts from either party.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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No, this week’s blog is not about how to date cheap!

But I will post that one soon…

This week we will discuss a very important topic about your future success in dating. I see this on a regular basis with so many singles and I fear they will remain single for a lot longer than they desire. Why?

They are limiting their options with a narrow (or impossible) search criteria.

I like to refer to this as:

Dating with a Champagne taste with a Beer pocketbook”

That’s an old phrase which the definition reads:

Someone who lives above his or her means and likes things they cannot afford has champagne taste on a beer budget.

What do I mean by that?

Your taste / standards in men or women are really beyond your reality.

When we begin a relationship we both “bring something to the table”. Someone might be well off financially and someone may admire the other person’s knowledge in money-making skills, and can learn from their financial wisdom. (OK or maybe they just want to date a RICH GUY!)

Or maybe you are way above average in looks, and this natural born blessing can attract many men

Maybe you are good at cooking and the other person is not, and values that talent….

OR you could be a very careful, decisive person, and you admire some else for their ability to make decisions so accurately yet impulsively.

Yes, there is something to the Yin / Yang theory that opposites attract… But even opposites have an equal balance between them.

Because if they don’t you will find that:

Opposites attract – THEN ATTACK!

Hey let’s be real… YES we all have dreams.

We all have standards.

We all have ideas about how it’s supposed to look or be.

But when we remain trapped in our fantasies, reality suffers.

And nowhere is this more apparent than in the dating scene.

Are you dating with a Champagne taste on a Beer pocketbook?

Are your standards for love too high?

Let’s take a little test here…

Look through 100 profiles on online and ask yourself the following questions:

  1. How many did you find attractive?
  2. How many met your criteria: age, height, weight, income, smoking, religion, etc.?
  3. How many wrote interesting profiles that would make you think they’d be compelling conversation on a date?

Now look at the number of people that met the above criteria’s of yours,

How many out of that 100 made the cut?

That is your percentage. If the number of people who met your requirements is less than 5 percent then you need to re-think your wish list.

Yes this may be shocking to discover, but out of 100 people online, you may have found there are only five are even dateable.

So now consider this…out of those five, how many of them do you think will love your family and appreciate your quirks?

How many of them have the same long-term relationship goals as you?

Most importantly, how many of those five will think that you are cute enough to them, thin enough, young enough, rich enough, smart enough, kind enough and interesting enough?

They have choices too.

So what does all this mean?

Are we doomed to a life of solitude and loneliness?

No.

But we might have to adjust our perspective a bit, though.

We need to open up our age range, our height range, our body types, to people we might not have considered otherwise. Until we give others a chance, what hope do we have that they will give us a chance?

This is a perfect example of why I say that meeting in person at single events is SO much better then online dating. So many times we pass on opportunities online, that had we met in person, we would have chosen them to begin with. In real life, if you start talking to someone at a speed dating party who is intriguing, and the next day get their phone number and set up a date. You may not find out until later that he’s a different religion, or political party and by then you already like them!

A perfect example of this is a couple that both in there early 40’s and both had never been married. Both have a long list of “must haves”, including meeting a partner of the same religion.

Well guess what?  They met at party 6 months ago, SHE is Catholic and Republican. HE is Jewish and a Liberal and they have been together ever since.

What this all means is anything is possible if we LIKE someone and broaden our views.

What we think we “must have” merely limits our options.

For example, I know of a male customer that comes to my events, who is 57 and owns a multimillion-dollar business he started when he was in his 20’s . He insists he ONLY wants a woman younger then him, as any woman his age or older will “not be able to keep up with him”.

He never got a college degree, so he wouldn’t cut it in many women’s educational requirements that earn as much as he does.

Too bad for him! I’ve know of a single female who is 63 and still bike rides 30 miles round trip to work, loves to ski and play tennis. She’s amazingly beautiful, youthful and vibrant, intelligent and completely off the radar for most men her age.

It’s a shame, isn’t it?

Actually when you think about it, what it does is reminds us how hard it is to find somebody special. Signing up for online dating, or going to singles events, in hopes of falling in love right away with Mr. Or Ms “Perfect” is pretty much the equivalent of going to Vegas, walking up to the first slot machine you see, throwing in a $1 and win back one million on the first try.

NOW don’t get me wrong…by no means am I suggesting that we shouldn’t have standards or we should not believe there is no such thing as a perfect match; so take the next train wreck that comes in!

No one should ever compromise on his or her morals, values, and spiritual affiliation. With that said, I must say that there are a ton of single men and women out here who has a long lists of MUST HAVES which are totally unrealistic and with little flexibility on their dream man or woman list.

If you insist that you could never date someone who didn’t have an advanced degree, make at least six figures, must be a good-looking rate of 9.5 on a scale of 1-10 (especially when you are a 5 at best, MUST love to ski, and never ever looses his temper or disagrees, OR you must find someone that is  still a virgin with no children to start a family and you are 45, you just might need to get real.

Should that be the case, your standards are not too high they’re just plain foolish.

Is it possible you could be creating your own roadblocks?

This quote says it perfectly:

Rumi: Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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I frequently am asked by the newly single, “will I feel comfortable going out to one of your events alone? ”

From my own personal experiences, of being a divorced woman re-entering the dating circle, I have always tried to help provide both men and woman attending a 7 in Heaven Speed Dating or activity event, a comfortable and welcoming format for singles to attend alone.

Women in particular feel the most uncomfortable attending alone. I encourage women to attend alone, as this is the best way to make new friends, both male and female. When you are busy socializing with your buddy, you don’t socialize with as many singles. If you alert me when you arrive that you have come alone, I am always glad to introduce you to those that have already arrived. Once a Speed Dating event begins, you will be so busy you won’t even have time to notice you are alone!

The reason I feel so strongly about this comes from one Friday night, a few months after my divorce, and long before I started this singles organization, I found myself wanting to get dressed up and go out on a Friday night, but all of my girlfriends were busy.

I was frustrated; I didn’t want to spend my limited time off without kids watching a movie at home alone.  But what was my alternative?  Go to a bar by myself?

No way!

Then I thought to myself, well single guys do it all the time, why shouldn’t I?

Hmmm…

Visions of me sitting alone and awkwardly at a bar sprung to my imagination.  I envisioned people looking over at me – judging me:  is she Desperate?   Skank?  Alcoholic?  Depressed?  Overwrought with self-consciousness, and not knowing what to do with myself, I’d probably play with my cell phone…

Suddenly – oh phew!  Someone comes over to talk to me!  And yup – it figures.  He’s drunk, homely and overly-convinced I need his company.

Then with all these scenarios running through my mind, I thought how why is it, that at my age, after all the growing and changing since divorcing, I STILLED lack the confidence to TRY doing this alone! Where did my new found confidence go? Why am I still limiting myself??? I don’t have to explain myself to anyone! Truly, no one’s holding me back but me now.

People don’t seem to think anything less of men who are eating alone in a restaurant or at the bar lounge area alone, so I’m not sure why there seems to be a different set of rules for women. It’s kinda shocking to me that we have this double standard! I was one of those people that stereotyped and thought,  “Oh, I would feel so self conscious as a women to go out in public, to a restaurant, in a bar, anywhere by myself.” Then I actually started to ask men and women what they thought of people that went out alone… I thought they would say the person dining alone was “probably out alone because they don’t have any friends”, or “they must have got stood up that’s why they are alone and out”, and yes, a few people did said that, but then just as often, I would get someone that would say “oh, she just wanted to have some time to herself to think ” or  “Her friends were busy that night and she just went out on her own” or “he wanted time to himself, he had a stressful long day and he just wanted to sit there and think.”

Instead, I discovered there were a lot of people that thought: “oh, I wish that were me, to have the guts to go out alone“, and especially the ones who are there with their kids were are dumping food on the ground and splattering things and making noise. They are looking at you sitting there in peace and thinking, “oh, I wish that were me“. Many admired but did not think they could ever have the nerve to go out alone. They look at you and think, “wow, that is wonderful that she can do that.”

Consider this…being single is not a very good idea especially if you will not enjoy your own company. Loneliness and fear of being alone has pushed people to stay in unhealthy relationships. They tolerate wrong company just because they fear public criticism.

And it is the thirst of our co-dependence and not allowing ourselves to be alone, is what actually limits us from making new friends. We quickly jump into new romantic relationship simply because our self-perception is about what society thinks of us being alone.

We should not hesitate to go out alone.

Being single and learning how to go out alone, improves your mental well being to greater heights. To go out alone comfortably, you need to put the stereotypes at the back of your mind. It does not mean that you are a loner, desperado or a loser. You are a liberated single person. It may look or sometimes feel awkward but prepare to go out and have fun just like you would have done if you had company.

Today as you read this article I want you to know that you can be single and fabulous.

True happiness comes from within. Happiness from external sources is gratifying for a little period of time. You should enjoy being with you because much as you might want to deny it, you will be spending most of your life with you. Being single does not necessarily mean that you can’t have fun with yourself!

Improve yourself by being comfortable with yourself at all costs.

Can you go alone to a bar or restaurant?

When I was going through my divorce, I too was wondering where I can go to have fun that doesn’t involve a bar every time ’cause that scene can get old real fast.

When I created 7 in heaven singles events, I particularly wanted to make sure, I would hold my events in Restaurants (not pubs) and also provide alternative places to meet that was not Alcohol focused, so it won’t feel like a bar singles scene.

Keep in mind that being single can be fabulous, and do your best to ignore the fact that you are going out alone.

Once you arrive at a singles event alone, walk in with confidence. Do not feel intimidated in any way. I will help by doing my best, to introduce you to others that have come alone. But I need also need your help here, so try to relax and just enjoy the environment. Do not make a mistake of trying to occupy yourself with other activities like playing video games or reading novels and magazines while you are waiting for the event to begin. It makes you look like you are not open to conversations.

You will be amazed at how many more great people you will meet by going alone, than you would have otherwise met if you were busy chatting it up with a friend. People feel intimidated by groups.

Everyone at the events share the same goal as yours, they desire to be in a fulfilling relationship. But try not to make the emphasis of entire evening of going out alone, on if you meet a man that night. Maybe it should be more about just having some fun, beyond sitting at home, and just make a new friend or two.

Making the very first attempt at going out alone is very healthy.

If a person is interested in you they will feel more comfortable to approach you when you are alone. Have you ever wondered why people go out and meet the lovers of their dreams? It is because they make themselves approachable. If you are entertaining a lousy group of girls just because you do not want to come to the event alone, you might remain single forever. These characters you brought along with you, could very well be your stumbling block to for your love and happiness.

By the way… I did finally did make that first move to go out for the night alone as all my friends that Friday night, as my friends had other plans. I really wanted to see the band that was playing that night down at the Beach Hut, an outdoor Bar/Restaurant on the water near my house. So I told myself “You’re a grown woman, what is the worst that can happen, you show up have a glass of wine, order the Lobster Special, and if it’s not fun you can always leave and go home, don’t be scared!”.

I ended up having a really good time. I even asked a guy to dance w/ me…twice. He was a great dancer! I must say people do feel sorry for you when you are alone. I had several people approach me to ask me if I was alone and ask me to sit w/ them. The ladies at the table next to me asked me to take their pic, then I asked them to watch my table when I went to the ladies room and before you know it I was sitting w/ them and had a fabulous time.

Bottom line….Don’t be scared, own it!

Go out alone. It is such a great experience.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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Hey Gail,

I finally got to go out with that “cute guy” I met when I attended your last event. But after going out on a first date with him, I’m not sure if he is “the one”.

When I met my X-boyfriend it was crazy on our first date!

We couldn’t get enough of each other.

Of course he wound up being a total nightmare in the end.

I don’t want to make another mistake like that again.

Any advise on or inside info you can give me to help me make my decision on “the cute guy” ?

Thanks,

“V”

____________________________

Dear “V”

Giving up too soon, or going at 100 miles an hour while dating someone can both lead to disaster!

Truth be told, it takes much more than the 7mins at a SPEED DATING event, followed up with a first REAL date, to know for sure how you really feel about continuing the dating process with someone.

(And for them to realize just how fabulous YOU are too!).

Same goes for online dating.

Chatting on the phone, looking at pics does not mean you can let yourself believe you have “met the one” until you have met and actually DATED “the one” before allowing yourself to go there!

And even if your first outing with a guy or girl doesn’t result in instant chemistry and love-at-first-sight, it doesn’t mean that those intense feelings won’t develop in time once you’ve had a chance to shake off the nerves and get to know the REAL person behind the new date outfit and minty-fresh smile.

On the other hand, trying to speed things up, to a intense relationship level, before the first date is even over is equally as unproductive.

Dating is a process, which will reveal itself as positive experience with future potential or a negative experience with NO potential when the right time has come.

Now sometimes you know right away especially if there are “deal breakers” involved and waving their bright red flags in front of your face!

Here a list of some DEAL BREAKERS or the “Bottom line” decision makers to go forward to the next date, or to abandon ship now!

*  Major “mama’s boy” or still is “Daddy’s princess”

*  Has a history of – or has shown a tendency toward –  ANY kind of abuse (mental, emotional, physical)

*  Person has an activate and present drug or alcohol problem (or smoking cigarettes if that’s on your list too)

*  Shows a complete lack of manners (EXAMPLE- on first date is very RUDE to the waiter/waitress)

*  Emotionally unavailable THIS is a big one we often bypass…(EX: TELLS you not ready to get into a committed relationship, still getting over the “X”)

*  You don’t feel an ounce of chemistry with him (This one is self explanatory!)

*  You’re hopelessly incompatible with one another (*you want kids someday, he never does; you want to marry a Jew, he’s Catholic, etc…)

*  Financially irresponsible life style. (in debt, looking for a way out)

Do yourself a favor and come up with your own list of DEAL BREAKERS today, so they’re always in the back of your mind. It will allow you to weed out the undesirables in the dating pool and leave you with only the most qualified candidates and help you truly become a SELECTIVE DATER.

Now here’s some great simple statements to say to yourself to keep your feet planted safely on the ground for all those SPEED DATERS

  1. I will not compromise my bottom line no matter HOW attractive he or she is!
  2. I realize FANTASIES keep me off balance – I WILL NOT start spinning fantasies about the future no matter how attractive he or she is
  3. If he or she seems to be too good to be true, they probably are.  (*old school rule and works great for dating….)
  4. If this doesn’t work, remember there is still something valuable I will have learned from the experience.

And speaking of dates that don’t go your way… try to remember that dates gone wrong are never a waste of time..

“Nothing ventured nothing gained”

Hope that helps in making your decision, keep in touch and let me know how it’s going!

All the best,

Gail

PS – Got a friend with a hot first date coming up?
Forward this blog – they’ll thank you for it!

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can post a comment below anonymously

or email me direct at info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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You cannot force a relationship by calling him.

I have had this situation come up a few times, not only in my own dating experiences but watching other women go through it. This one below comes from just this past week….

OK so you made some good connections at a singles event or a maybe an online date recently. But you haven’t heard from him and it’s been a couple of days since that last date or first meeting….

One reason that we ladies are tempted to call a man, is when they are not hearing from him.
Many women think that by calling him, it will further their connection with him… maybe he just needs a little push in the right direction.  Or thinks that by calling him, it will keep the new connection or relationship going. After all if there are no calls and no contact it = no relationship.

But the problem is that you cannot force a connection and a relationship by making that call, as painful as that can be. Calling him will not make it happen; nor will writing letters or sending emails.

I recently was asked by a single woman who had not heard from a guy, after what she thought was a great connection at one of my events:

“Could there be another explanation for his not calling me?” Maybe I gave the impression I wasn’t interested in him, and is it possible that this guy might be interested in me but is thinking hey she wasn’t that interested so why bother? And that’s why he hasn’t called me?  Does it always mean he isn’t interested?  “

No, that is just plain old wishful thinking.
When it comes to women, men don’t sit around and ponder. They act!

When they want something they go after it.

We women sometimes try to interpret an apparent lack of interest as something more positive – in other words, we make excuses for a man’s lack of calls or initial contact. Women who talk themselves into believing that a man is just “thinking things over” are living in a dream world. What’s worse, they waste valuable time waiting for the man who is not interested and not calling them.

Like it or not…when you first meet its like a dance- and the guy leads. You may find old school and an odd statement from a real feminist movement child like me! But it’s true.

MEN take notes here… I can only imagine how it may be difficult to deal with us women at times, but one thing is for sure … we women love a man that has courage, and takes action. Even if we don’t want to date you, we will be impressed with your courage. Maybe suggest you meet our friends, or sister instead because we were so impressed! Now I’m not talking stalker behavior here… as no always means no. But having the guts to follow through in a timely polite manner will always get the girl interest and respect.

LADIES– do return calls from the guys promptly AND return some kind of flirty message that explains you are interested OR a message that says THANKS but no thanks basically. Believe it or not, most men do appreciate the no thanks response more then no response.

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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