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Posts Tagged ‘where do I go from here’

About 65% of the singles that attend my events are divorced. The other 35% are made up of widows and those singles-never married.  Almost all have been in long lengthily relationships or marriages, and suddenly find themselves single. Becoming suddenly single again after a long time is like taking up residency in a foreign country and not speaking the language very well.  So what are the rules in this country anyway?

Now anyone that knows me, I am not a big fan of a bunch of rules I’m a rebel at heart. But one must know the rules first in order to break them!

Now there are no hard, fast rules when it comes to dating. Although if you read the dating book called  “the RULES” these gals will tell you there are some rules women must never break! I read the book and found 70% to be ridiculous and 30% I had to begrudgingly agree with.

So what information do you need most to get out there and start over?  Well for starters do a good assessment of yourself to see if you dealt with all the emotional baggage and feel truly ready to date. If you have forgiven yourself and your past and moved on; you will probably do fine. (You might want to read- * Adjusting, letting go, forgiving after a breakup)

Here are some basics to keep in mind when you start dating again:

1. Be true to yourself first.
Now that you are newly single, try to bring balance to your life. You may be eager to date but don’t forget to make time for yourself as well as spend time with friends and family. Date if you feel ready but don’t make it your whole life.

2. Form new relationships with other single people.
If you don’t already have single friend, then find some. Go to single events with the mindset that if I don’t meet the woman or man of my dreams, finding a new single friend will be very helpful. For single ladies, I hold a monthly singles ladies brunch just for this reason to make new single friends. Your married friends are great, but they can’t always relate to your single status and can’t join you on single adventures. A single woman can never have enough single girlfriends for support and to pal around with. Check our Calendar of Events for the next single ladies brunch by you.

3. One date does not form a relationship.
It’s important to know that everyone you date will not be interested in a second date. Just because you were interested in a second date doesn’t mean they have to be. Don’t let the fact that you don’t get called to go out again, make you want to give up or cause you to think negatively about yourself. Move on to the next person and be willing to go through a process of elimination, which could take some time. Don’t take going out on dates too seriously, that you project your thoughts way to far into the future.

4. Don’t come on too strong.
If you were in a long term marriage then you are used to being part of a couple. Divorce means lots of changing and growing for an individual. Bad habits, new place to live, new friends may all be a part of your new life as a newly single individual. Don’t let the couple habit cause you to come on too strong and chase someone special away. You are dating, not stalking so be careful not to overwhelm.

5. Don’t forget to respect yourself.
Go slowly when it comes to sharing information about yourself with a date. It will convey a sense of self – respect and create mystery. So, keep the details to a minimum until you know they are worthy of hearing them. Leave the details of your divorce at home. It’s a date, not a therapy session.

6. The world is your test tube.
Approach the dating game with an attitude of openness and experimentation. It is possible that every date you go on, could lead you to Mr./Ms. Right but… keep an open mind and your feet planted firmly on the ground and you will at least learn something new on every date you go on.

7. Try something new.
Don’t box yourself in with the idea that you have a “type” that you are attracted to. Change those old thought process, step outside your head and broaden your horizons. You may find that what you thought would make you gag, actually makes you happy. Read- * Dating with a Champagne taste with a Beer pocket

8. Never underestimate the power of flirting.
Nothing is more fun than flirting and nothing helps you connect to another person quicker than being playful. Be charming and delightful, show some vitality. Keep it light and festive, not deep and serious. Keep your mind in the moment and not on the long term goal of falling in love. Read- * Flirting is the ultimate welcome

All the best on your quest!

Gail

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