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Posts Tagged ‘Dating advice’

Recently a close friend called to tell me that she’s breaking up with her fiancé, who she has been with for six years.

They got engaged just last year and were even planning to buy a new house together.

Of course, it came as a huge shock, as I had always thought everything was running so perfectly for her (or, at least, that’s how it seemed on her social media).

I remember she met her now ex boyfriend/fiancé during freshmen year of college. He was her “first love,” as she had never had a boyfriend before him. All her friends, including myself, were really happy for her.

The two of them stuck together for the whole four years of college, and even went on a graduation trip to Europe together afterward.

Then, she moved to another state for work and they began a long-distance relationship. That arrangement lasted for just over one year before they got back to living in the same city again. And before long, he proposed, she said yes and they got engaged.

Everything was “going according to plan,” like most fairytales we know that center around the idea of first loves and happily ever afters.

But then, like a cruel twist of fate, things began to change. My friend suddenly fell out of love with the person she would marry.

“How do you know if you are still in love with someone, or if you’re staying because of the familiarity?” she asked me over the phone.

At the time, I was pretty taken aback by her frankness. “Give me a moment to think about it. I want to give a clear answer to you,” I replied. And, after a minute or two of awkward silence on the phone, this is how I broke it down for her:

There’s a difference between wanting somebody/something and needing something/someone.

Here’s an analogy: You want a Prada bag, but you don’t exactly need one. Of course, your desire for that particular thing you want can be weak or strong, depending on several things.

You may want something really badly, with every ounce of strength that you possess,
or you may only want it half-heartedly. On the other hand, you need oxygen; there is no real desire for it, but you have to have it, nonetheless, for survival.

Of course, there are circumstances in which a need may become a want. For instance, when you’re drowning, the need for oxygen gets so strong that the need becomes want.

In those few seconds, you want oxygen like you want your life — literally. Often, we only truly appreciate the value and necessity of some things only when we lose them, don’t we?

Want and need can be really different, but at times, pretty similar. So, what is love? Here’s the answer to the million-dollar question: Love is when you want what you need and need what you want.

Now, let me spell it out for you further.

I believe most love relationships start out with a state of wanting. When you fall in love, you want the other person very, very much.

And then slowly, over time, as you love, you also become more and more accustomed to that person, so much so that you might even feel as though you can’t live without him or her. This is when want becomes need. When you want and need something simultaneously, you can call it love.

When you truly love someone, you know that you want him or her. You can feel that craving in the depth of your soul and in every nerve and every fiber of your physical being. It may feel almost like an addiction or an unyielding obsession.

You know that there is lust, but there is also something more. It’s something that truly satisfies, yet leaves you wanting more. Indeed, love can leave you in a vulnerable state. Perhaps this is where “want” transcends into “need.”

It’s when you have become so dependent on the other person for your emotional and physical demands that you can’t live properly if he or she disappeared from your life completely.

With this person, you can feel a sense of familiarity and assurance that comes with his or her acceptance of you. You feel safe with him or her.

In a way, love can become a comfort zone, a refuge you can run to. Though, in another way, it can also be a dangerous place where you might get yourself or the other party really hurt.

After a breakup, it’s unavoidable that you will feel slightly needy because now that you’re out of your comfort zone, you just want to feel safe again.

My friend did admit to me that in her head, she didn’t want her ex as a boyfriend or lover anymore, yet in her heart, she still had feelings for him, and thus she felt deeply perplexed.

“This is not love that you’re feeling,” I tried to explain, “It’s nostalgia. Even if you were to get back together after he comes begging at your feet, you might be satisfied for a while, but you won’t stay satisfied for long.

Because, in the end, he is still not what you want. He was, but that’s the past. You loved him, but now, you don’t. Now you feel like you need him only because he’s part of what that feels familiar.

Undeniably, he’s the safer choice, compared to being single again after such a long time. But, I can assure you that if you settle for this half-assed love, you are risking nothing but your future happiness.”

My friend knew that I was right, and I knew I was right, too. Yet, I was also fully aware that it might be slightly hypocritical of me to set such high bars for her. At the end of the day, it’s not me who will suffer the consequences of my advice — she will.

Still, I wouldn’t have given her advice that I would not personally follow. No one said going through breakups is easy, let alone leaving the person you thought you would marry. Yet, it’s definitely better than running away on the wedding day, right?

The truth is, love is never completely black and white. In fact, I think 80 percent of it is grey matter. Love can fade just as quickly as it can surge and fill your entire being with its magical feelings of happiness and bliss.

Lust is part of love, but love cannot be defined solely by the feeling of wanting someone. Desires can be ephemeral, just like feelings are mercurial.

And, when you need someone but do not have that insatiable want for him or her, it could be nostalgia or just lazy dependency.

Don’t settle for less. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone in search of a person who could be better for you either. Like they say, you accept the love you think you deserve.

Take some time and think about it. Some things are better late than never, and love is certainly one of them.

Source – Elitedaily.com
Author – Keay Nigel

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Loneliness (it’s how you choose to socialize)

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One of the biggest causes of unhappiness is loneliness.  I’m not referring to having somebody special in your life; having a significant other doesn’t mean you won’t be lonely.  Being lonely generally stems from lack of social stimulation.  The technology age is definitely perpetuating this by means of text messaging, Facebook, Twitter and other ‘Social Networks’.  People are so addicted to these forms of social technology that they forget humans require real genuine human interaction. Socially insecure people tend to gravitate to online socializing because they have more control over the amount and timing of their interactions.  Reducing face to face interactions tends to reduce social anxiety for less extroverted individuals. Unfortunately staying within your comfort zone, limits personal growth, and prevents the development of valuable face to face relationships.

Don’t have something to do tonight? Instead of commenting on everybody’s Facebook statuses, give somebody a call and go out for a drink, you would be surprised how much better it feels to talk to a real life physical human being.

If you are single and feel like you need a significant other to be happy, I am going to be blunt,  YOU ARE WRONG.  You can’t be in a healthy relationship until you are happy independently.  Using somebody else as a crutch for your happiness is a one way trip to an unhealthy relationship.  If you are struggling to find a companion, stop looking in bars and stop looking online.  Consider joining activity clubs for singles or participate in a group activity that encourages socialization.  You will meet like minded people who share more in common with you that booze or Facebook friends.

If you really struggle with making friends, read Dale Carnegie’s classic book “How to Win Friends and Influence People“.  This book was written in 1937 and still stands true to this day. It will supply you with the tools needed to form amazing relationships.

Or visit this page 10 Good Tips to help you fight Loneliness

Warm Regards,

 

Gail Adams  Event Coordinator

7 in Heaven Singles Events

 

On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- www.7-in-heaven.com

631- 592-9804    EMAIL: info@7-in-heaven.com

Cupid shooting arrows for lovePersonal Matchmaking Services

by Gail www.HeavenlyMatch.net

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This story is brought to you by Liesel Rigsby, The Energetic Matchmaker.

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Erin and Tom’s Love Story


Before Tom

After my divorce and before I met Tom, I dated a couple of guys seriously and both times I got super heart broken.

I went into a period of just kind of giving up and not being selective. It was a really cruddy time. I was herding myself through a series of bad choices – dating people I knew it wouldn’t work with.

I got glimpses of what it would be like to have different qualities in a relationship. I dated men who wanted to commit to me or bond with my son Ben or move in together, but they were all like 25.

My friends called me out and said why are you dating 25 year olds who want to be serious with you, but aren’t really ready for it? They’re all too young for you.

I guess it was like getting the illusion of a committed relationship, but not what it would be like with an adult person.

Online Dating Rules

I had one friend who’d been online dating and she talked me into trying it out. At the same time I was doing Soulmate School and another program about being in my power.

So I signed up for a dating site and set new rules for myself.

I had been picking people out based solely on physical attraction and that wasn’t working out for me. The guys I was dating looked amazing on ‘minute one’ but then as I got to know them better they weren’t so great after all.

So with my new rules, I decided I was going to get to know people first and leave the physical stuff out of the game for awhile.

My First Rule was that anyone who asks me out that seems kind and respectful, I go out with him, regardless of looks.

For me it was about meeting and interacting with different people more than anything else.

I went on 20-25 dates in one month. In one day, I had a lunch date, met a guy for a drink after work, and then another guy for a dinner date.

Everyone I met was really nice. And I got to see all of them side by side. How they treated me. One would call when he said he would and then another wouldn’t.

It made it easy to let the not so good situations go without wasting too much time on them. Why would I put up with not being treated well, when there’s plenty of people out there who have their act together and are kind and respectful?

My Second Rule was if the first date wasn’t horrible I’d go on a second date, regardless of whether I was attracted to him or not.

Meeting Tom – No Spark at First

In the end there were 3 people that I was dating.

Tom was one of them.

The day before I met him for the first time, I called my friend and said I want a man who is all of it – adventurous and exciting and sexy and strong and masculine and nice and kind, thoughtful and caring.’ I said to her, ‘maybe I’m  being unrealistic. Maybe I should let that go and just accept that the kind of man who is one side is probably not the other’.

The next day was my first date with Tom.

I thought he was really nice and we had a lot in common and I liked talking to him, but there wasn’t a spark for me. Still I followed my second rule and went out with him again.

On our second date there was more of connection. He was nice, but quiet and all the things we talked about were fine, but again there wasn’t really that spark.

Third Date Fireworks

Then on the third date, it all changed.

He took me canoeing.

He’s a rock climbing and canoeing instructor, and he was totally in his comfort zone. It was like he lit up.

He started showing this adventurous, funny and witty side of himself. And I thought to myself ‘Oh my God, he might possibly be all of it. All of the things I thought I couldn’t have in one guy’.

It felt like everything we talked about that day was right on. There was this spark and connection there and it completely caught me off guard. I had thought if I didn’t feel that connection in the first moment of meeting then it wouldn’t happen.

All of a sudden, it felt really comfortable and exciting all at the same time. I had this knowing feeling of ‘this is it’.

If I had only judged Tom by his online profile, I wouldn’t have gone out with him.  I would have dismissed him as a nice guy but not lively enough for me.

Even after the first date I could have said he’s nice but ‘eh not really doing it for me’.

Tom felt the connection from the first time he saw me – when he saw me walk up on our first date. He thought to himself ‘oh whoa this is different’. Thank God I set those rules!

He’s the perfect combination of both sides of the spectrum – adventurous and masculine and kind and caring.

It’s only gotten better and better over time. We have so much fun all the time, even when we’re just hanging out and talking and being with each other.

Almost Sabotaged It

While we were dating I did a good job of keeping myself in check as far as the things you teach. I kept myself energized and stayed true to myself.

But all along the way I was on the lookout for it to fail.

As we kept getting closer and closer, I got really scared. I started making up issues that didn’t exist to try and protect myself.  I thought that I must be missing something really bad, because it couldn’t be this good.

Without your help and my brother’s help, I would have sabotaged it.

You both talked me out of a few situations where I might have shut it down. I remember thinking that I knew that I was ready because I was turning to people like you and my brother who kept me in it – where in the past I would have gone to other single friends who would say ‘oh just leave that’.

I knew somewhere inside me that this relationship was going good places, so I was careful who I went to for advice.

It was scary for both of us, but we were both willing to keep taking steps forward.

Getting Married

After nearly a year, we started talking about living together. I was clear that I didn’t want to move in without being married, because we both have kids. His son is 4 and mine is 8. They’ve always gotten along super well and really love each other, which is so wonderful.

So we found this really cute house and on the day they went to get the paperwork, I felt sick to my stomach. I loved Tom and I loved the house. I knew we were going to get married at some point, but the house was moving faster than the wedding situation was.

Tom is so wonderful at knowing when I’m off or something is up. So he asked me what was going on, and we had a conversation about why it was so important for me to be married before we moved in. We had talked about it before, but it had kind of gotten lost in the house looking.

Two days later he bought a ring and proposed to me under a giant tree (we both love trees and nature and being outside).

We got married 4 weeks later and moved into the new cute house the same day.

It’s funny in telling the story, it sounds like it all went really fast. We met in July and got married the following July. But it never felt fast. I knew that we’d be together after date 3. It was just about giving ourselves enough time to get to know each other.

I feel so grateful all the time, and I’ll often tear up out of love and gratitude when we’re talking. We support each other and are more in love than I even know what to do with sometimes. It’s just wonderful.

I couldn’t imagine a more perfect fit for me.

~~~~~~~

Gail Adams  Event Coordinator

7 in Heaven Singles Events

On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- www.7-in-heaven.com

631- 592-9804    EMAIL: info@7-in-heaven.com

Cupid shooting arrows for lovePersonal Matchmaking Services

by Gail www.HeavenlyMatch.net

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30-Things-To-Stop-Doing-To-Yourself2Marc and Angel, two passionate writers, life-hackers and “admirers of the human spirit,” have come up with an amazing list of 30 things to stop doing to yourself. If you like their list, make sure you check out their site and sign up to their amazing newsletter.

#1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

#2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

#3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

#4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

#5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

#6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

#7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

#8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

#9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

#10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.

#11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

#12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

#13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

#14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

#15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

#16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

#17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

#18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

#19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

#20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.

#21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

#22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

#23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.

#24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.

#25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

#26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

#27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.

#28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

#29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

#30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Credit: marcandangel.com

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Warm Regards,

Gail Adams  Event Coordinator

7 in Heaven Singles Events

On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- www.7-in-heaven.com

631- 592-9804631- 592-9804    EMAIL: info@7-in-heaven.com

Cupid shooting arrows for lovePersonal Matchmaking Services

by Gail www.HeavenlyMatch.net

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So you have been dating, you met someone you are really excited about, they are complimentary, attentive, full of excitement about the future. Then suddenly one day, they are MIA (missing in action) no return call for hours or a day or so. They explain they are just busy, nothings wrong but the distance seems to grow. Then it happens, they explain, “its not you its ME”

It could be they are commitment phobic

Commitment phobics are actually tortured souls full of FEAR. They are in a constant state of emotional conflict because of their negative irrational beliefs about love, commitment and relationships.

Generally, commitment phobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment and get married; yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain long-lasting connections. Why? because many have such a long list of must-haves, they probably may not find anybody ever! With the long list of expectations, it is a way of expressing, that they are commitment phobic people. Ironically, in romantic relationships, the commitment phobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for love with the frightening reality of “forever” leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating.

One potentially misleading aspect of commitment phobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is the only one with a problem!

In fact, commitment phobic behavior includes those individuals that are “settling” for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationships as well as those fleeing from a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitment phobic.

Here are some clues, which apply to many (but not all) Commitment phobics

1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married – there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right person, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favorite line is “someday”.

2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.

3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent people.

4. They are fast to move toward a monogamous relationship, and they pursue ardently until they win the person over.

5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the other person’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.

6. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there’s a decision made to move in together.

7. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman’s family or friends.

8. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility. They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.

9. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.

10. Behavioral inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argument and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviors surface ex: working long hours, taking on new projects, not able to make social commitments with you, not calling back, finding fault with the person they are involved with.

11. The word “forever” terrifies them. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, creating sabotage to make the person want to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so themselves.

How you can handle a commitment phobic

Don’t rush into bed with these types, especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of. Take your time. Listen carefully to a person’s history and actions. As you continue to date, if they tend to exclude you from other areas of their life such as meeting friends, family, hobbies, social get-togethers, the writing is on the wall – beware. Understand that your love and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space might. If you still see things not coming together after some time, get out now…. OR be prepared  to not expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. You will not change them. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what they do, not what they say.

Favorite saying I once read:

A man of words but not of deeds is like a garden full of weeds.

 

Wishing you joy on your journey,

Gail

7in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site-http://www.7-in-heaven.com

 

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
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1. Procrastinator I’ll start dating next month, next year, when I lose weight, when I fix myself, when my kids grow up, and so on.

2. Worrier I’m afraid of rejection. Online dating is dangerous. If I go to an event I won’t know anyone, I am afraid of someone raping, kidnapping, or killing me.

3. Skeptic There is no use in trying. There is no one out there for me. I will never meet anyone. Women are all Bitches. Men suck. Most of the guys are not worth my time.

4. Beginner I don’t know the first thing about dating, and I am not ready to put myself out there.

The above questions came from : Berndt, Debra (2010). Let Love In: Open Your Heart and Mind to Attract Your Ideal Partner (p. 178). Wiley. Kindle Edition.

Once you can identify which one you are…it will be easier for you to work towards improving your success with dating.

Procrastinators – well you may have this problem in other areas of your life and as you may have already figured out, life will pass you right by if you don’t make a decision to get to it right now!

Worriers need to try to break it down a bit. Learning to let go more, understand we can’t control all outcomes but that shouldn’t stop you from trying. Many times we hear only the negatives and believe that this makes up the majority of the dating pool …NOT SO! Just like you.. there are millions of honest, loving singles out there..and less BAD GUYS then you think looking and searching as you read this right now.

Skeptic ah yes.. Guilty of this one myself, you must work hard everyday to be grateful, what IS going well in your life, and what you do have. This will keep the “boomerang” effect of the universes laws of attraction coming back to bite you in the ____

Beginners– This one is easy! Come on out to our events and see for yourself you have nothing to loose. Remember how scary it was learning to drive? And how thrilling it was to pass that drivers test? ( I was going to use the learning to ride a bicycle.. but for some of us that was a VERY long time ago) Anyway, when you attend your first event this will be the feeling you should walk away with. I DID IT! Wow, that wasn’t so hard after all in fact I HAD FUN!

So I hope to see you at an event soon … ALL of you Procrastinators, Worriers, Skeptics, and Beginners!

Check the online Calendar of Events

And just come on out, you’ll never know unless you GO!

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- http://www.7-in-heaven.com

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No, this week’s blog is not about how to date cheap!

This week we will discuss a very important topic about your future success in dating. I see this on a regular basis with so many singles and I fear they will remain single for a lot longer than they desire. Why?

They are limiting their options with a narrow (or impossible) search criteria.

I like to refer to this as:

Dating with a Champagne taste with a Beer pocketbook”

That’s an old phrase which the definition reads:

Someone who lives above his or her means and likes things they cannot afford has champagne taste on a beer budget.

What do I mean by that?

Your taste / standards in men or women are really beyond your reality.

When we begin a relationship we both “bring something to the table”. Someone might be well off financially and someone may admire the other person’s knowledge in money-making skills, and can learn from their financial wisdom. (OK or maybe they just want to date a RICH GUY!)

Or maybe you are way above average in looks, and this natural born blessing can attract many men

Maybe you are good at cooking and the other person is not, and values that talent….

OR you could be a very careful, decisive person, and you admire some else for their ability to make decisions so accurately yet impulsively.

Yes, there is something to the Yin / Yang theory that opposites attract… But even opposites have an equal balance between them.

Because if they don’t you will find that:

 

Opposites attract – THEN ATTACK!

Hey let’s be real… YES we all have dreams.

We all have standards.

We all have ideas about how it’s supposed to look or be.

But when we remain trapped in our fantasies, reality suffers.

And nowhere is this more apparent than in the dating scene.

Are you dating with a Champagne taste on a Beer pocketbook?

Are your standards for love too high?

Let’s take a little test here…

Look through 100 profiles on online and ask yourself the following questions:

  1. How many did you find attractive?
  2. How many met your criteria: age, height, weight, income, smoking, religion, etc.?
  3. How many wrote interesting profiles that would make you think they’d be compelling conversation on a date?

Now look at the number of people that met the above criteria’s of yours,

How many out of that 100 made the cut?

That is your percentage. If the number of people who met your requirements is less than 5 percent then you need to re-think your wish list.

Yes this may be shocking to discover, but out of 100 people online, you may have found there are only five are even dateable.

So now consider this…out of those five, how many of them do you think will love your family and appreciate your quirks?

How many of them have the same long-term relationship goals as you?

Most importantly, how many of those five will think that you are cute enough to them, thin enough, young enough, rich enough, smart enough, kind enough and interesting enough?

They have choices too.

So what does all this mean?

Are we doomed to a life of solitude and loneliness?

No.

But we might have to adjust our perspective a bit, though.

We need to open up our age range, our height range, our body types, to people we might not have considered otherwise. Until we give others a chance, what hope do we have that they will give us a chance?

This is a perfect example of why I say that meeting in person at single events is SO much better then online dating. So many times we pass on opportunities online, that had we met in person, we would have chosen them to begin with. In real life, if you start talking to someone at a speed dating party who is intriguing, and the next day get their phone number and set up a date. You may not find out until later that he’s a different religion, or political party and by then you already like them!

A perfect example of this is a couple that both in there early 40’s and both had never been married. Both have a long list of “must haves”, including meeting a partner of the same religion.

Well guess what?  They met at party 6 months ago, SHE is Catholic and Republican. HE is Jewish and a Liberal and they have been together ever since.

What this all means is anything is possible if we LIKE someone and broaden our views.

What we think we “must have” merely limits our options.

For example, I know of a male customer that comes to my events, who is 57 and owns a multimillion-dollar business he started when he was in his 20’s . He insists he ONLY wants a woman younger then him, as any woman his age or older will “not be able to keep up with him”.

He never got a college degree, so he wouldn’t cut it in many women’s educational requirements that earn as much as he does.

Too bad for him! I’ve know of a single female who is 63 and still bike rides 30 miles round trip to work, loves to ski and play tennis. She’s amazingly beautiful, youthful and vibrant, intelligent and completely off the radar for most men her age.

It’s a shame, isn’t it?

Actually when you think about it, what it does is reminds us how hard it is to find somebody special. Signing up for online dating, or going to singles events, in hopes of falling in love right away with Mr. Or Ms “Perfect” is pretty much the equivalent of going to Vegas, walking up to the first slot machine you see, throwing in a $1 and win back one million on the first try.

NOW don’t get me wrong…by no means am I suggesting that we shouldn’t have standards or we should not believe there is no such thing as a perfect match; so take the next train wreck that comes in!

No one should ever compromise on his or her morals, values, and spiritual affiliation. With that said, I must say that there are a ton of single men and women out here who has a long lists of MUST HAVES which are totally unrealistic and with little flexibility on their dream man or woman list.

If you insist that you could never date someone who didn’t have an advanced degree, make at least six figures, must be a good-looking rate of 9.5 on a scale of 1-10 (especially when you are a 5 at best, MUST love to ski, and never ever looses his temper or disagrees, OR you must find someone that is  still a virgin with no children to start a family and you are 45, you just might need to get real.

Should that be the case, your standards are not too high they’re just plain foolish.

Is it possible you could be creating your own roadblocks?

This quote says it perfectly:

Rumi: Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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One of the funniest lines I ever heard about dating was something Chris Rock once said:   “When you’re dating…have you ever noticed when you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting “them”. You’re meeting their “representative”. Then after about 3 months you meet the REAL Candidate”

 ______________________________________________________

Dear Gail:

I wanted to give you some background on me, and possible you could give me some advice. I have been in the “dating” world for the last 10-years now, and I have not much luck keeping a man in my life for more than a 3-month relationship. Various reasons for this, all BS, but reasons nonetheless — or excuses rather. For example some of the breakup excuses have been:
“You are too good to be with a jerk like me.” (huh?)
“I respect you too much to be dating you casually.”

(Did I say I wanted a serious relationship!??)

“You are the type I would take home to my mom, and right now I just want to get laid.” (dude, I never said I wanted to meet your mom!)

“How can you want to date me knowing it’s not going to last? What is the point?” (Urrr…nothing lasts forever, and whatever happened to enjoying the present?)

“I am scared of commitment.” (I don’t want to marry you!)

“It’s not you, it’s me.” (One of my all time favorites)

I’ve had the  “I’m really still in love with my ex” thing, The mutual break-up “you know …we like each other but not enough to keep dating” this one is one of  the cleanest cut ways out.

However, what might be interesting to note is that all these guys went on to have serious relationships after me. I don’t know what to think of that, and maybe I rather not think about it at all.
Maybe I was too easy to catch.

Maybe I shouldn’t have played those stupid games that everyone plays.

Maybe I gave too much too soon.

Maybe I didn’t give enough.

Maybe we shouldn’t have gotten involved with each other in the first place.

Who knows?

It seems like the minute it’s more painful than fun, you get out.

But, when the pattern repeats itself on numerous occasions, repeats you can’t help but wonder.

Anyway, below are the thought process I have held onto that has help me deal with this 3 month cycle of dating:
– You can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to: if someone doesn’t want to be with you there is no convincing him into it.
– It’s all about personal growth: whether in or out of an involvement with someone, as long as you’ve grown in some way (together or apart), it was worth it.
– Nobody dies of a broken heart: you fall, you get up, you dust off, you move on.
– Everything happens for a reason.

Someone once told me that you attract what you are ready for.

Maybe subconsciously this is all I have ever been ready for?

A short- term relationship ready for the moment?

Or, have I been missing something to prevent the long term commitment I am seeking?

Single forever?

“Sam”

________________________________________

 

 

Dear Sam,

To avoid finding yourself in this situation, I am going to tell you loudly to STOP what you are doing and step back s-l-o-w-l-y. Dating goes through stages. If you try to avoid one of the stages, problems may develop in the relationship, which may result in you or your partner ending the relationship. When you recognize what stage of dating the relationship is in, you will understand what is called for or needed in order to move through that stage and onto the next stage.

It requires patience and understanding.

Month One: The Meeting

The purpose of stage one is to determine if there is enough physical attraction, chemistry, commonality and interest to warrant dating. For some people, it may take a couple of meetings to determine if they want to date a particular person. Decision to continue will come as long as both parties find each other interesting and fun to be with, and physically attracted to.

Month Two: Dating

Month two is the romantic stage and during this stage both of you want to spend increasingly amounts of time together. People often describe this stage as feeling physically attracted or infatuated with the other person. Because two people are having fun and really attracted to each other. Sometimes they tend to overlook those cute irritants (I call it Rose Color Glasses) of their partner in order to focus on the strong attraction and the positive feelings. But… without this stage of intense infatuation, a relationship can’t move on to the next stage. So if you and your partner are on two different pages with regard to your feelings for each other, it is best for you to be patient and wait for you partner to catch up. Doing this demonstrates to your partner that you are caring, patient and supportive. Too needy or too distance will drive the person further away.

Month Three: The “RELATIONSHIP”

Month three is where differences between the couple begin coming to the surface and it’s usually means make or BREAK in relationship.  Now the focuses are on how the two of you work through disagreements, differences of opinions and ideas as well as different approaches and issues about sex, communication and commitment. It is also an opportunity to both learn and use problem-solving skills with your partner. Arguing in a relationship is not the problem. The problem arises when couples don’t know or use healthy skills to resolve conflict. Stage three is also an opportunity to build a deeper relationship with your partner as each of you recognizes that you are loved and accepted for being your true self. This is where trust develops in a relationship.

Month Six: Independence and Interdependence

Month six is a when the couple learns how to be a couple and still maintain a level of independence within the relationship. During this period of time the couple begins to incorporate their previous relationships skills and fun interests into the couple relationship. For some people the fear of their partner wanting to socialize without them, triggers feelings of insecurity, or fear of an imminent ending to the relationship. If this is the case, the partner with the insecurity does not address his or her own issues, the result maybe unintended break-up. Of course there could be dozens of other reasons too, that why “dating is about discovery”.

One Year: Healthy Commitment

If you reach the one year stage is where the individuals are willing to make decisions about a long term commitment with one another. By now hopefully the couple has built a foundation on trust, honesty and integrity. For some this may lead to marriage for others this means being in a monogamous relationship.

Since you have trouble moving on past the third month, my suggestion to you is to slow down and allow your boyfriend time to realize his feelings for you are deeper than just friends. This won’t happen by you pointing it out to him. It will happen by him going through the stages at his own pace.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
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THE NEW RULES OF ATTRACTION

by NINA MALKIN

When it comes to finding love, there are certain truths that seem so irrefutable that anyone would be a fool not to follow them. Maybe you’re a firm believer that you can tell within seconds if you’re attracted to someone. Or, maybe you adhere to the idea that a first kiss says it all: if you feel fireworks, your date’s a keeper; if it bombs, you decide to cut your losses. While these romantic maxims have their fans, experts insist that these laws no longer hold true in today’s dating world. In short, many rules people choose to follow need a little revamping. To that end, we’ve consulted authorities in the field to bring you the most up-to-date strategies for finding someone you’ll click with romantically.

ImageOld rule: You can tell if you’re truly attracted to someone in three seconds.

New rule: You can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to someone until you’ve had three dates.

“Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s convenient to think you can tell whether you click with someone that quickly. But experts recommend cultivating a bit more patience by sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether you’re a match (or not). The reason? People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can someone truly relax and maybe build some rapport with another person. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term partnering potential. “An important part of a compatible relationship is ensuring that each partner’s values coincide — and to learn that takes time, discussion, observation, and interpersonal interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues,” says James C. Piers, Ph.D., professor and program director of social work at Hope College in Holland, MI. So, don’t write someone off (or fall head over heels) until you’ve done your due diligence.

Old rule: Your mate must meet all the criteria on your “must-have list.”

New ruleImage: A “must-have list” looks great on paper, but it won’t keep you warm at night.

You can check off the attributes you want — appearance, background, education, career, salary, etc. — but unless you’re building your partner in a lab, you’re almost certainly missing out. Of course, you should have standards and not settle for a two-packs-a-day smoker who doesn’t want kids when you’re allergic to cigarette smoke and eager to start a family… but settling for nothing less than perfection is unrealistic. “Wish lists are a classic recipe for unsuccessful dating,” says relationship coach Hu Fleming, Ph.D. “They’re too limiting and don’t allow for chemistry, which is more intangible and valuable.” Try to be flexible, especially when it comes to physical or material attributes like someone’s height, salary, or hair color. After all, just because someone’s 6’2”, blonde, or makes six figures doesn’t mean he or she will make you happy, so do yourself a favor and treat your wish list describing your ideal mate as just one factor in deciding who’s right for you.

ImageOld rule: Opposites attract.

New rule: Opposites attract and they attack! 

Dating your diametric opposite might mean feeling the surprise of relating to someone really new and different than your usual type, trading lots of challenging banter, and sharing scintillating chemistry — but sustaining a partnership with this person may ultimately prove to be unfulfilling. “The classic couple with nothing in common except their on-fire fights plays well in the movies, but in real life, that attraction fizzles quickly,” says Alyssa Wodtke, coauthor of Truth, Lies, and Online Dating: Secrets to Finding Romance on the Internet. “If you don’t like to do the same things, there will be nothing for you to do outside of the home. And if you don’t want the same things for the future, what kind of future can you have?” We’re not saying that you should end up with someone identical to yourself, but ideally, it should be someone who complements your personality (see the next rule for more details).

Old rule: Your date’s taste in music (or movies, or books) mirrors yours — so you must be soul mates.

ImageNew rule: You want to fall in love with a person, not a playlist.

Sometimes you meet someone and have so much in common, you just know it must be love. After all, each of you has seen Phish perform at least a dozen times and know the works of David Sedaris inside and out. But don’t confuse having mirror-image tastes with romantic chemistry. In fact, it’s probably better if your interests don’t match up exactly. Not only does that leave room for you to expand your boundaries and dabble in pursuits that your partner digs, it also means you two will probably have little trouble maintaining some healthy independence. “Some of the best relationships are those where both parties have completely independent hobbies and allow for the concept of ‘his, her and our’ time,” notes Dr. Fleming. So, take it as a good sign if you spend the occasional Saturday night apart — with you doing dips at ballroom dancing class and your date doing the wave at an NBA game, for example.

Old rule: Your first kiss should be a toe-curling experience.

New rule: Your first kiss is ultimately inconsequential.

In fairy tales, an amazing first kiss leads to happily ever after — no wonder we place such importance on that primary pucker! But there are ample reasons Imagewhy a first kiss from a potentially great partner can go awry (like nervousness or a less-than-ideal setting) — and just as many to explain why a first kiss from Mr./Ms. Wrong can feel so right (you’ve just been dumped and are looking for validation, perhaps?). “A kiss can be a romantic, erotic experience with someone you find physically attractive, but a relationship will crumble without more complex attributes, like shared values,” points out Dr. Piers. So rather than write someone off following a less-than-mindblowing kiss, smile and move in slowly for smooch number two — either at that moment or on a subsequent date. Trust us, you owe it to yourselves.

Old rule: When it’s true love, you think about the other person constantly.

ImageNew rule: When it’s true love, thinking about the other person makes you feel good.

Hmm, has Willie Nelson’s cover of “Always on My Mind” become the theme song for how you feel about your sweetie? That may not be for the best. “Constantly thinking about another person isn’t love, it’s infatuation, and infatuation has no correlation with being a good match,” says Dr. Fleming. Ultimately, it’s a better gauge to assess the quality of your thoughts rather than the quantity. “If you have warm and comfortable feelings when you think about your date, that indicates a relationship built on stability, trust and a strong ‘friendship’ factor, denoting a relationship that will more likely wear well over time,” says Dr. Piers. If, on the other hand, your relationship keeps you up all night as you analyze this person’s emails for hidden messages that reveal his or her true feelings, you may be chasing down someone who doesn’t really want to be yours.

Article written by : Nina Malkin

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously

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Little girls discussing a crush on a boy in school VERY funny, you will see yourself, or hear something you may have once said….

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About 65% of the singles that attend my events are divorced. The other 35% are made up of widows and those singles-never married.  Almost all have been in long lengthily relationships or marriages, and suddenly find themselves single. Becoming suddenly single again after a long time is like taking up residency in a foreign country and not speaking the language very well.  So what are the rules in this country anyway?

Now anyone that knows me, I am not a big fan of a bunch of rules I’m a rebel at heart. But one must know the rules first in order to break them!

Now there are no hard, fast rules when it comes to dating. Although if you read the dating book called  “the RULES” these gals will tell you there are some rules women must never break! I read the book and found 70% to be ridiculous and 30% I had to begrudgingly agree with.

So what information do you need most to get out there and start over?  Well for starters do a good assessment of yourself to see if you dealt with all the emotional baggage and feel truly ready to date. If you have forgiven yourself and your past and moved on; you will probably do fine. (You might want to read- * Adjusting, letting go, forgiving after a breakup)

Here are some basics to keep in mind when you start dating again:

1. Be true to yourself first.
Now that you are newly single, try to bring balance to your life. You may be eager to date but don’t forget to make time for yourself as well as spend time with friends and family. Date if you feel ready but don’t make it your whole life.

2. Form new relationships with other single people.
If you don’t already have single friend, then find some. Go to single events with the mindset that if I don’t meet the woman or man of my dreams, finding a new single friend will be very helpful. For single ladies, I hold a monthly singles ladies brunch just for this reason to make new single friends. Your married friends are great, but they can’t always relate to your single status and can’t join you on single adventures. A single woman can never have enough single girlfriends for support and to pal around with. Check our Calendar of Events for the next single ladies brunch by you.

3. One date does not form a relationship.
It’s important to know that everyone you date will not be interested in a second date. Just because you were interested in a second date doesn’t mean they have to be. Don’t let the fact that you don’t get called to go out again, make you want to give up or cause you to think negatively about yourself. Move on to the next person and be willing to go through a process of elimination, which could take some time. Don’t take going out on dates too seriously, that you project your thoughts way to far into the future.

4. Don’t come on too strong.
If you were in a long term marriage then you are used to being part of a couple. Divorce means lots of changing and growing for an individual. Bad habits, new place to live, new friends may all be a part of your new life as a newly single individual. Don’t let the couple habit cause you to come on too strong and chase someone special away. You are dating, not stalking so be careful not to overwhelm.

5. Don’t forget to respect yourself.
Go slowly when it comes to sharing information about yourself with a date. It will convey a sense of self – respect and create mystery. So, keep the details to a minimum until you know they are worthy of hearing them. Leave the details of your divorce at home. It’s a date, not a therapy session.

6. The world is your test tube.
Approach the dating game with an attitude of openness and experimentation. It is possible that every date you go on, could lead you to Mr./Ms. Right but… keep an open mind and your feet planted firmly on the ground and you will at least learn something new on every date you go on.

7. Try something new.
Don’t box yourself in with the idea that you have a “type” that you are attracted to. Change those old thought process, step outside your head and broaden your horizons. You may find that what you thought would make you gag, actually makes you happy. Read- * Dating with a Champagne taste with a Beer pocket

8. Never underestimate the power of flirting.
Nothing is more fun than flirting and nothing helps you connect to another person quicker than being playful. Be charming and delightful, show some vitality. Keep it light and festive, not deep and serious. Keep your mind in the moment and not on the long term goal of falling in love. Read- * Flirting is the ultimate welcome

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
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Hi Gail,

I received my matches and honestly do not understand why the lack of matches (?)   I felt a very  good connection with many of the younger women on at least a person level.  Perhaps it is simply an age thing at this point?  I know I am older now, maybe the issue revolves more around being gray and bald? I take really good care of myself and from my perspective, even subtracting for age, I think I would be fairly appealing on various levels to a younger woman.  In the not too distant past, I tried speed dating before and 12 of 15 women were interested.  Any helpful pointers you could offer I would appreciate.  Thanks

Signed “Mr. 49”

___________________________________________________

Dear Mr. 49,

The group of ladies you met last time when you received all those matches were all in the age range of 42-52 – this group of ladies was much younger.

Let me start by saying I can totally understand why older men go for younger women. There’s no denying that they’re, for the most part, in better shape, with better skin, and less baggage from broken relationships.

We older folks may always argue why its best to pick the older mate because “Time creates wisdom”

This is true… but it also creates responsibilities and complications –

Divorce scars, mortgage, kids, career, etc.

All of this makes dating more and more complex as we get older.

Hey…let’s face it ladies, it’s a lot easier for an older man with all these responsibilities, to take out a carefree, responsibility free, baggage free, good looking wrinkle free 28-year-old girl!

Now… before any 45+ people get all hot and bothered about this, understand I myself have reached my 52nd birthday and I’m not condoning this. I’m simply just OBSERVING that it happens.

And what I also observe, is Men may want much younger women, but rarely do much younger women want older men. Put another way, if a woman in her 30’s has an array of other quality options closer to her age range, what incentives would she have to date a man who is 10 or more YEARS OLDER?

Not many, I’m thinking.

But I bet you are saying to yourself right now…

Hey you’re wrong… I am the exception the 30something year old WILL want  !

I don’t look or feel my age…and my last girlfriend was 15 years younger.

OK so she left me when I lost my job … but we really did love each other!!!

She understood the advantages in dating a 49 year-old guy. He’s a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already (ok she did complained a little about the visitation things and my X-wife).

My much young x-girlfriend told me she likes older men because we embody wisdom and stability. We can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. We’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twenty-something party boy! She even told me once I remind her of her father… strong, nurturing guy who took care of her and treated her like a princess.

Dear older man … there is nothing wrong with you being attracted to a fertile and youthful woman in her 30’s. Really. I’m not judging you. But you must understand that any woman you desire in that age group has choices. Lots and lots of choices. The guy who’s 45- 55 is not on the top of her list. Yes its true. It’s competitive out there for all of us. People have choices. She can go out with a cute, successful man who is 35. Or 40. Or 45. Or 50.

And nobody has more choices than a 30-year-old woman. If she wants to date a guy who is 6’2”, makes $400,000+, likes skiing, is within ten miles of her house and five years of her age, you know what? She could probably find him. All she has to do is go online, and wade through a few thousand applicants, go to a few happy hours or attend a few singles events and have a few 1000 options. The point is, she doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45 when can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40. She doesn’t need a 49 almost 50 something year old guy who will be taking Viagra when she’s in her sexual prime.

Are you getting the idea?

This does not mean that you’re not a great looking in shape guy for your age with a ton to give and the purest intentions. Bald is HOT to many woman,  AND you will on occasion meet a few much younger gals are not so age focused.  What you’re failing to recognize is that what most successful quality younger women really want for the long haul… A peer. A partner or maybe a youthful father for her unborn children to help her raise them.

Not a father figure for herself.

Single middle-aged men and women clients will tell me…”I can’t help what I’m attracted to” And hey, I don’t blame them. However, as long as they close their minds to not dating people who are age-appropriate, they’re really going to struggle and fail miserably.

Singles need to be more flexible about the age thing. Youthful extremely attractive people have tons of options and can afford to be choosy. AND as long as they have the perception of choice, they’re going to choose to trade up for someone a little bit cuter, a little bit richer, a little bit closer. It’s not fair, it’s not right, it just is.

I know… we are just human and want what WE want, even if what we want is unrealistic. So much so are we dazzled by looks and youth that we pass up amazing people OUR OWN AGE who are a much better fit for us.

Yes there will be some younger women that will overlook your age. They usually are the type that have a strong lust of money or maybe they need a daddy figure, but most of the 30 somethings I talk to, are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive.

Okay, older men – write to me and tell me why I’m wrong. But don’t forget, you and your younger girlfriends are the EXCEPTION. I’m writing about the RULE.

We all have to come to terms with the person in the mirror as we age. We are no longer on the outside are the youthfully looking person we were 15 years or more ago Mr. Peter Pan…
YES I could afford plastic surgery – how about a face lift, breast lifts, Liposuction or more…
If you ever saw the movie “death becomes her” you would know how I really feel about that kind of stuff.! lol
In the movie, Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn fought dearly to keep their youth.. and paid dearly for it in the end.

Why not accept someone who likes you for you not your money or social status? Keep your box of options wide open and remember ….

Age is just a number.


All the best on your quest!,

Gail

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I have had this question posed to me before from singles, when a woman who has slept with a man early on in the dating stages, suddenly discovers a week or two later…

Golly gee... why does this relationship appears to be only about SEX !

How did this happen?

Or better yet, try to turn it into a REAL relationship.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not passing any judgments here. We are all adults making our own decisions, my goal is to simply enlighten you of the consequences of your actions and how things will play out from that point forward. If you decide to go home and sleep with a guy the very first date or time you meet with him, you really have to adjust your expectations accordingly. You have just made the decision to turn this into a casual night of fun, or “hookup” as some would call it, and once you have made this decision there is no turning back.

If you get a second date, well then consider it an unexpected added bonus to the casual fun night again. Don’t ever think, just because you now have slept together, you two are now property of each other. The “hookup” will never guarantee no matter how good the sex was, that he will be calling again. If that’s your ulterior motive then you just set yourself up for a major disappointment.

I know…  your saying it’s not fair!

Well I didn’t make the rules, and I have broken them enough times to know …they still do exist! And when you do break the rules, be prepared for what follows. Even though a man wants to get physical with you right away, and might even tell (or beg you) it won’t change a thing… that same man will be re-evaluating the relationship as soon as the light of day shows up!

They will always wonder in the back of their minds, if you do this with every Tom, Dick and Harry you meet? And you should question the same in your mind about him… is he with every Jane, Sally and Betty?

Even though it seems like a good idea at the time, and we all love instant gratification, the fact is, a man will more likely respect a women, stay with a women, and want to please her, is the woman that leaves him wanting more. When you hold back a little, that’s intriguing and something to look forward to. Become the object of his desire beyond the initial lust you both feel. THAT works both ways for MEN and WOMEN

If you goal is long term, then take my advise, and hold off, get to know him better, wait until you get the feeling you can trust him. Let him earn your trust firs t. You are worth it !

But end the first date at the bar meeting at the BAR, no matter how well it went!

Sorry guys, but I had to tell them. But you will thank me too when you meet the right girl Just think of  all the drama I am saving you from  those crazy stalking women that will follow you, if you go too far too soon, and then you decide you want to back out of the relationship!

Hey it’s true, I once told a guy that was practically begging me to sleep with him on the first date night  “no thanks… one night stands are like having a Chinese food. It will leave you hungry an hour later.”

Go for the full sit down dinner, trust me it will always be much more memorable.

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

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“I went to one event of yours and I didn’t met anyone I wanted to date”

My response – You went to ONE event and you didn’t meet anyone?

Ladies and Gentlemen– it rarely happens in ONE event, but it DOES happen one day ! And hopefully when that time arrives we have enough time to enjoy each other.

People ask me all the time…What is your success rate?

I quickly respond- “I have no success rate, I am not a matchmaker”

My job is to create fun events, bring people together and let the universe do the rest. Rarely am I kept in the loop, as to who connected with who, unless the couple is kind enough to share their story.

*This below true story hopefully will bring new faith and inspiration to you all while searching

Steve G. was a single gentleman that attended my events. He first started coming to my events back in 2008 when I first got started. Steve was patient in his search, and many times left the event knowing that maybe he made a few new friends, but not a match made in heaven.

Well, about a year ago- Steve G met Diane at one of my events. I thought Diane had made a good connection with another gentleman whom we will call “SAM” that evening, not necessarily Steve. Diane and Steve had “picked” each other for a match however.

Well about 4 months later, I called Steve one night, and asked:

Hey Steve where you’ve been? Have any plans tonight? Would you like to join us?”

Steve’s voice became sad and low, he said “Gail, I just found out this week I have Leukemia.” I was stunned and said. Oh Steve, I am so sorry to hear that. We discussed it a little more, and then I said goodbye and wished him the best in his recovery.

I went about my busy life and occasionally a thought came to mind – wondering how Steve was making out.

This past weekend, I held a Speed-Dating event and received a last minute call from Diane. She asked if she could join us, as she just needed to get out for the night. I said OK, and then Diane went on to explain she had been Dating STEVE G for the past year since they met at my Speed-Dating event.

I said REALLY? (remembering how I thought the connection was with “SAM”)

Diane went on to explain yes, Steve was not the first one she went out on a date with from that night, but the second. Steve called her, and picked her up and when he arrived, she noticed his charming cute half smile and said to herself, “Hey I think this date will be fun!”

3 months later, Steve suddenly surprised her with a fantastic weekend for them. At the end of the weekend, Diane, not knowing said “OK what’s this talk about? You breaking up with me now that you and I have had this fantastic weekend together” ?

Steve said, “Kinda; it might be best. I just found out I have Leukemia”

Diane said “You’re not getting rid of me!”

They spent this past year together having a BLAST. Diane accompanied Steve EVERYWHERE, they traveled saw old friends – Steve and Diane fell in love.

Steve and Diane dated right up until Steve’s battle with Leukemia ended May 2nd 2011

Steve had never been married, no children and had finally found someone special he so much enjoyed.

Steve did not attend one of my events but many of my events. And he did find someone, sadly and unbeknownst to him, the last year of his life.

Maybe Steve had become more open about the small stuff when choosing mates. When you know your time is limited, everything seems to really take a back seat.

Or maybe it really did take this much time to meet someone special.

Who knows.

It sure makes me think, how much time is wasted and how petty we can all be when it comes to dating.

And gives new meaning to the saying “Carpe’ Diem

Latin for : Seize the day or Live Life to the Fullest

Wishing you joy on your journey,

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- http://www.7-in-heaven.com

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Have you ever found yourself in the company of a professional dater? Also called the “serial dater” or “player” ?  When you meet them, they will tell you that they really don’t warm up to a lot of people, but they feel such a connection with you and would like to get to know you better. SO you meet for coffee, and wow, they think you’re the next best thing since sliced bread!

They chat you up on instant messenger or TEXT constantly for a couple of weeks and then bam, nothing. And then you find out, they’ve practiced the same line on a friend of yours who’s new on the online dating scene when you exchange notes with your friend and realize you’ve met a serial dater. He or She is dating about 3-6 times a week (depending on how good a juggler they are)

The Urban Dictionary describes the “serial dater” as:

One who engages in the process of systematically dating an obscene amount people in short span of time. This definition encompasses but is not limited to internet dating, bar dating, long distance flirtations, phone service dating, blind dating, expiration dating, match making, one night stands, friends with benefits, and personal ad surfing. Can be considered a politically correct alternative to word “player” both with and without a negative connotation.

Deep down you might find that the serial dater is actually someone who feels like they always need a boyfriend or girlfriend. Often, serial daters believe they are in love after dating for two days. These relationships usually last for about two weeks, followed by much moping and heartbreak until the next guy or girl comes along two days later, at which point the cycle begins again. These people are often insecure and need another person to boost their self-esteem.

Where do you meet them?

Online dating sites make it a piece of cake to be a serial dater. Many men and women get addicted to these sites always thinking that the BIG PRIZE CATCH is just another click away. Serial daters are like hungry ghosts always on the move, never satisfied and never settling. They are not bad people, they are just restless souls who are seeking love and really don’t have an ulterior motive of using and taking like the “player” does.

“Players” have an agenda and a motive of getting involved for a reason (sex or money) and consciously tells you what you want to hear, to get you to that place… then leave you.

The Bachelor hunk Jake Pavelka has juggled 25 bachelorettes, weeding out 21 to leave him with a final four, but the pilot admits that serial dating just isn’t his thing.

Here is a list of some of the traits/characteristics of a typical serial dater :

1.         Professionals, established over forty, and has never been married.

2.         Make claims that he wants to settle down and get married but the truths is he has not never been in a committed relationship that last over two years.

3.         The first few dates may be fantastic, but soon he simply stops calling (or she won’t answer your calls) without even a break-up notice.

4.         They are charming but can never seem to be able to achieve psychological intimacy (although he has no problem getting you into bed with him).

5.         Loves to talk about his work above all other topics.  The reason behind this is that they are married to their jobs, which is why they aren’t married to a person).

6.         They always know the latest buzz on where the trendy bars and restaurants are– often even before they are open (the serial dater is always more excited to be seen at hot spots than spending time with someone he could potentially share his life with).

7.          They prefer to spend their weekends alone or with their buddies and have no interest in seeing you except the weekdays.

If you see a number of these traits popping up… keep your feet planted firmly on the ground. Don’t run away with your thoughts, and if needed, move on quickly.

The bottom line is that, sometimes, we all may allow ourselves to be taken in by people who are more into the dating game than seeking out “the one”.

Remember to not take it personal and never lose faith that the majority of us are good honest people just looking for the real deal.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

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I have had this question posed to me before from singles, when a woman who has slept with a man early on in the dating stages, suddenly discovers a week or two later…

Golly gee... why this relationship appears to be only about SEX ! How did this happen?

Or better yet, try to turn it into a REAL relationship.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not passing any judgments here. We are all adults making our own decisions, my goal is to simply make you aware of the consequences of your actions and how things will play out from that point forward. If you decide to go home and sleep with a guy the very first date or time you meet with him, you really have to adjust your expectations accordingly. You have just made the decision to turn this into a casual night of fun, or “hookup” as some would call it, and once you have made this decision there is no turning back.

If you get a second date, well then consider it an unexpected added bonus to the casual fun night again. Don’t ever think, just because you now have slept together, you two are now property of each other. The “hookup” will never guarantee no matter how good the sex was, that he would be calling again. If that’s your ulterior motive then you just set yourself up for a major disappointment.

I know…  your saying it’s not fair! Well I didn’t make the rules, and I have broken them enough times to know …they still do exist! And when you do break the rules, be prepared for what follows. Even though a man wants to get physical with you right away, and might even tell you it won’t change a thing… that same man will be re-evaluating the relationship as soon as the light of day show up!

They will always wonder in the back of their minds, if you do this with every Tom, Dick and Harry you meet? And you should question the same in your mind about him… is he with every Jane, Sally and Betty? !

Even though it seems like a good idea at the time, and we all love instant gratification, the fact is, a man will more likely respect a women, stay with a women, and want to please her, is the woman that leaves him wanting more. When you hold back a little, that’s intriguing and something to look forward to. Become the object of his desire beyond the initial lust you both feel.

If you goal is long term, then take my advise, and hold off, get to know him better, wait until you get the feeling you can trust him. Let him earn your trust first. You are worth it you hot mamma!  But end the first date at the bar meeting at the BAR, no matter how well it went!

Sorry guys, but I had to tell them. But you will thank me too when you meet the right girl and I save you from all that drama of the crazy stalking that will follow you if you go too far too soon and then want to back out of the relationship!

Hey it’s true, I once told a guy that was practically begging me to sleep with him on the first date night  “no thanks… one night stands are like having a Chinese food dinner. It will leave you hungry an hour later.”

Go for the full sit down dinner, trust me it will always be much more memorable.

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

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Last week we talked about how especially in the dating world, first impressions are forever and lasting.  It’s also equally as rough when you thought your first impression absolutely wooed the dude, yet he never calls you again. Sigh… Luckily for us, this week, a frisky pair from one of our events clued me in some of the reasons why he or she won’t be going out on that second date!

While cell phone manners, a lack of physical attraction, talking too much about yourself, and blatant pre-date lies definitely apply to both genders for a NO WAY… there are some specific reasons for why a GUY won’t get a chance at getting to 2nd base with a girl, or maybe even the time of day again!

And LADIES, if the phone doesn’t ring again, below you will find some real eye openers on why a guy won’t be calling back.

Ladies FIRSThere is 12 reasons why she isn’t going to come back for round two guys! There is no particular order mind below, all it takes is one or two of these gentlemen and you are done!

1. You’re Way Too Into Me: We’re all nervous about being liked on a first date, but nothing will scare us faster guys then when you are proposing marriage before the bread basket has arrived. Too much too fast makes me want to put on the brakes, get out and start running. Had you given me the chance to get to know you a bit, I might have been willing to say “sure I will marry you and no prenups for us!”

(well on second thought… maybe not)

2. You Drank Too Much: I would say this applies equally for both sides of the gender fences…Alcohol may help relax the initial first-date jitters. But no matter what, WASTED is not pretty and slurring isn’t sexy.

3. You’re Way Too Touchy-Feely: This behavior often goes hand in hand with #2. Most women want to get the sense that you respect us before we give you the green light (aka get naked with you), But if you’re already pawing at my butt, doing your best to out your hands all over me and we haven’t even kissed yet, expect a swift kick to the lower region on the date and a no answer on that next day call to me.

4. Bad Table Manners: A friend of mine once went out on a date with a guy who dunked his finger in his drink and then sucked the liquid off to show how sexy he was. Um, YUCK! Needless to say, there was no date #2.

5. You Didn’t Offer To Buy Me a Drink: I’m going to put this one as simple as possible and in one word…. CHEAP. Yes… when I become your girlfriend there will be times, we will be going Dutch. But if you invite me to meet you on a first date meeting in a bar and you don’t offer to get me even one drink, you’re a cheapskate. And there is nothing more unattractive then a cheap “what’s in it for me if I spend it one you” kinda man.

6. You Twittered In My Presence: Twittering while we’re on our first date? Busy texting, answering cell phone calls, won’t gain you any brownie points for having so many friends…instead it will mean one less new one.

7. Wandering or No Eye Contact:

I can’t trust you if you can’t look me in the eyes. Or worse, you seem more interested in eyeing the waitress. Even if it’s just from nerves, I don’t know if you’re anxious or a serial killer. Either way, you’re showing a serious lack of confidence. Big no no…

8. You Make Lots Of Big Declarative Statements About What You’re Looking For: Sounds more like you just want someone that will sit and look pretty, speak only when prompted with no opinion at all. Have you thought about getting a dog instead of a girlfriend? Don’t get me wrong; I want to know what kinds of things are important to you. But if you’re going down a checklist of you better be this or that… I have to wonder if a trainable golden retriever would be a better match for you then frisky little me.

9. You Called Your Ex-Girlfriend “Crazy”: Yep this one is a no-brainer, if you are saying that about the X you might be saying the same thing about me one day. But I’m even more afraid that you DO have a psycho X-girlfriend and, by dating you, I’ll incur her vengeful wrath while on a date with you!

10. You Didn’t Bring Anything To The Conversation: I’m glad you like what I have to say, but what’s on your mind? We’re not at that comfortable at date #1 in the silence stage.

11. The I Don’t Care This is ME Look: That T-shirt has a stain on it. And the baseball cap is not cute. You don’t have to get all fake fancy, but on the first date shouldn’t you be trying to look your best?

12. You Were Rude To The Waiter/Waitress: I once read the CEO of Staples never hires anyone for management until he takes them out to lunch and see how they speak to and treat the wait staff. If you’re already abusing your relationship with a waiter/waitress, what’s the future going to be like with you?

And LADIES…

7 Reasons He Didn’t Ask You Out On A Second Date

Guys can be fickle, but sometimes, they have a pretty valid excuse for not picking up the phone to call us ladies… They are a bit simpler and less complicated then we women, therefore we have fewer reasons listed here. So here are 7 reasons why men might not call you back for that second date.

1. There’s no physical attraction. Men are visual there is no doubt about it. AND you have no control over this one, no right or wrong unless you dyed your hair pink and lost/gained 150 pounds before going on first date, that could certainly throw things off!

2. Talking too much about yourself or x-boyfriend. Don’t confuse confidence with vanity—if you’re going on and on about yourself, we’re not coming back for seconds. Be sure to keep the conversation two-sided, and keep some mystery alive by not jamming your biography into an hour-long dinner. And NO X-boyfriend talk! What guys hear when you talk about your X, even if you give the signal you like him is:  “I’m still into this dude, but yeah, you’re, uh, pretty OK.”

3. Cell phone addicts. If you’re on the phone constantly during a first date, don’t expect a call from the guy later on. This applies to texting, too; in fact, texting seems even ruder.

4. Vulgarity. Guys like a girl who can be as vulgar as their guy friends, but don’t trot out your award-winning burps or four-letter fiestas until at least the second or third date.

5. Blatant pre-date lies. This one’s common with the internet dating crowd. Don’t tell lies about yourself before the date kicks off, be yourself always. Don’t say that you’re a rich hand model who enjoys Russian literature (yes some of this stuff really has been said… can’t make this stuff up) unless, of course, you actually can pull that one off by speaking Russian phases and getting the best manicure in town!

6. You missed his signals. Some guys have trouble making a move, and if you shrugged off his arm on your shoulder because you were hot or leaned away from a kiss because you heard your neighbors going through your trash, he might be feeling rejected. Call him to set things straight. And while you’re at it, call the cops on your creepy neighbors.

7. He still mourning someone else. If it was just a first date, an old relationship might have flared up again, or the guy might have met someone else that he’d rather date. There is no real obligation to call you and say anything since, well, it was a first date. Don’t hold it against him, but don’t wait around either. If you don’t get a call within about a week of the first date, forget about it and move on … NEXT

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

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There are 2 small things that you can start doing today to get more dates, and with some luck land yourself a boyfriend or girlfriend in the process.

So lets start with first things first… which is a first impression.

First impressions count and you never get a second chance to make a first impression!

You have just a few minutes (7 minutes at our SPEED DATING EVENTS) to make a good first impression and it’s almost impossible ever to change it. So it’s worth giving each new encounter your best shot. Much of what you need to do to make a good impression is common sense

I get calls all the time asking me what to wear to a singles event from both the guys and the gals. I tell the ladies, and guys, to not overdo it, be you and feel comfortable, but do dress to impress.

When you go to a singles event, get dressed as you would if you were going out on the town. Make sure that you are cleaned up and presentable as best as you can be.

Do whatever it is that you do to get well groomed.

Guys this means visiting your local barber for a haircut. So don’t even have to think about taking that shortcut and wearing a baseball hat to an event! Keep in mind, a nice naked clean-shaven face is sexy guys.

Ladies: if visiting your local salon for a cut and color or to get your nails done, then make sure to make time to do that.

And Ladies do think about the great power in wearing a skirt or dress. It’s obviously the most feminine way to dress. And most women look GREAT in a skirt or dress.
Skirts are very forgiving and make a woman’s “pear shape” into an “asset” if you’ll pardon my French…
Now of course a pair of jeans can be just as gorgeous as a dress – on the right person. But for women to abandon femininity and feel uncomfortable about showing how sexy they are is, well, tragic! Skirts are a woman’s secret weapon to looking and feeling sexy.  Let me tell you….when I wear a skirt it makes all the difference.  The truth is that there is a difference between men and women, and woman should embrace those differences and make them shine!

Men and Women- wear something unique that could be a conversation starter! Ladies- interesting attractive jewelry, Guys… could be something as simple as a fun nickname on your name tag!

And ALWAYS try to look your best even if its just running to the store to pick up some milk.

Hey I once dated someone for 5 months who I met and kept running into at my local 7 – Eleven!

Always put yourself in the best possible position to get dates.

Bottom line is both Men and Women feel good and is attracted to being around someone who takes pride in their appearance AND is confident.

I FEEL good when I look good. And when I FEEL good it shows…

Of course, being confident means more than just what you wear, it’s a complete state of mind.

Women: it’s about truly loving men for the silly creatures from Mars they really are. FAULTS and all… get rid of the man bashing tapes running through your head.

And Men… to succeed with women you need to truly love women for the ever-changing beings we are! As Billy Joel puts it so well in his so ng… “She is frequently kind, and she’s suddenly cruel… she’ll bring out the best and the worst you can be, blame it all on yourself, cause she’s always a woman to me”

Remember it’s what you think in your mind as you walk by any man or woman, know it’s is the confident, non-judgmental thoughts that you have running through your mind, that will RIVET their attention – and they’ll never know exactly why.

Practice it as often as you can on everyone even those you may not date! This way when the real deal comes along you will be fine-tuned.

OK so there you have it… 2 small changes/ improvements you can start with TODAY

1. Dress to impress

2. Think confident  (YES you are one hellva sexy desirable single)

Quote: from Albert Schweitzer:

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.

If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

Powerful and somewhat dangerous stuff – go-ahead try it out and have some fun with it!

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

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Hi Gail,

Recently I went out of town and stayed with my girlfriend’s guy friends. I didn’t know at all any of these guys, I had only heard from my friend about how awesome her friends were, which convinced me to stay with them.

When I got there, the minute I saw the guys, in my mind all I could think of is “how cute they were”. Though I knew that both of them had girlfriends I wasn’t apprehensive about flirting with them at all. The first night of my stay went in drinking, building rapport and plain craziness.

I was constantly thinking which one of them should I choose; it’s not every day that a good-looking girl like me is surrounded by good-looking guys!

Anyway as the morning dawned I knew whom I’d like to have a clandestine affair with, hence started a wooing game with the guy. In the back of my mind, I knew he was not really caring about me, cause he had enough of girls to choose from (a Casanova type).

Soon the harmless flirting turned into a power game for me to try to win him over.  For some reason, I forgot why I went on this break… for an important reason, to try to heal my broken heart from a breakup.

I didn’t care that my friendship with my girlfriend was at stake.

I didn’t care that I would be more heart-broken in the end. I knew the truth was that although the man I was pursuing was a sweetheart as a friend, but he is a Casanova who didn’t care a bit about the girl he slept with. He did make it very clear that he would be with his girl till the end. Yet I wanted to be in bed with him, to be able to live my fantasy, and I did exactly that.

When I snapped out of my lust the result was as expected, I had lost my self-esteem, respect and friendship in more ways than one.  I was guilty of being swayed away by emotions, and indulging with a man whose girlfriend loved him dearly. I was so consumed by my own selfish needs that knowingly I let my lust be bigger than my heart.

This happen a few weeks ago and I’m still trying to find ways to deal with it…

Maybe you can give me some advice and insight on what to do at this point?

Signed

FMS

________________________________________________

Dear FMS,

You know and have all the answers to your own dilemma already…

In fact you KNOW you created your own demise and sadness.

You wrote about blowing right past all the “stop signs”, “warnings”, and knew full well what the consequences would be if you blow past the stop signs.

Its like you even SAW the cop sitting there right on the corner- and said…

“Oh looks like I will get caught but what the hell, I don’t want to stop…”

My guess is Alcohol played a big part in this blowing all the stop signs night. It lowers your inhibitions and the silences that little voice called “conscience” that keeps us from being reckless and throw caution to the wind.

Need a “stop button” on that drinking activity especially when hanging around the opposite sex!

So what to do from here is the next plan…

I was once told GUILT is a useless emotion.

Remorse is about making amends.

Saying your sorry to your friend may or may not repair the damage- but doing nothing is worse.

Cut any forms of communications off with the guys that have girlfriends.

YOU deserve more – and make a pack with yourself, from here forward that this was your life lesson.

You respect yourself too much and are way to worthy, to be with anyone for a one-night stand. YOU deserve to be with a man that considers YOU his ONLY love, HIS girlfriend and is Loyal to you!

You can’t change what already happened.

But you can change how you will conduct yourself in the future.

Forgive yourself and LEARN the lesson and move on.

That’s all you can do.

No matter what anyone tells you…remember we have ALL made mistakes.

And some mistakes will mean that some will not forgive us for those mistakes.

But you must forgive yourself, and take the lesson with you and DON’T repeat the mistake! Have some responsible fun.

And speaking of making the same mistake over again…

A saying comes to mind:

If you always do what you have always done, you will always get, what you have gotten.

Peace out Girl Scout!

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

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I received a call the other day from someone who was thinking of registering for a SPEED DATING event of ours. The woman went on to explain her boyfriend of 6yrs just “left her” and to use her words… was devastated and lost, as she stated she really loved him. She claims she doesn’t even know exactly WHY the breakup happened and doesn’t think she will ever meet anyone again. She can’t seem to get the whole thing out of her mind; so because her friends insisted she should get out, she was calling me to go to the SPEED DATING event.

I told her:

OF COURSE YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE AGAIN!

But are you sure you are ready to do an event like Speed Dating yet? If you can’t get this off your mind, you may talk about it a bit too much, and if you did, it would not be to your advantage to tell every man you meet at the event what you just told me! How much you loved this man and how brokenhearted you are. Not attractive…

I agree with your friends you need to get out of the house and do something, but I encourage you to be honest with everyone you meet and explain you are joining us tonight to simply make some new friends at this point and leave it at that.


The first and most critical step is to allow yourself time to heal after a breakup or separation.

DON’T isolate yourself, get out and socialize, but don’t look for an immediate replacement!

Instead try just going out just for the fun of … going out!

This is why I host all kinds of events for every stage of this process.

Some are not actually ready at this time to step out and go on a real “DATE”.  So for those I suggest a Speed Dating event, which is really a great way to “practice” dating again for those that have not dated in quite some time. Or for some, a simple mixer such as a single mingle or activity (Bowling, Golf etc.) event is a great way to ‘get your feet wet’.

Or for women- our Ladies Brunch Social (next event Sun Jan 2) simply to just make some new single girlfriends! For some ladies all they may need at this point, is to get back out there and simply make some new single girlfriends, whom you have more in common with.
The first 6 months to a year after a death of a spouse, divorce, or breakup of a long term relationship, are hard enough; so don’t make it worse by sitting home alone and sulking. Force yourself to rise from your sorrow if you have to. Get out there and spend time around caring newly single people like yourself now more than ever.

But date slowly during this process. What I mean by that is try not to get too emotionally involved so not to repeat the same bad relationship you just got out of!

Take this example: “Debbie” just got divorced. Her husband always expressed anger by yelling. This made her feel out of control. Debbie now swears that she will never again marry a man who yells.

“Within 2 years, Debbie meets and marries Joe.

Now Joe… never gets angry.

Problem solved – right?

No.

Joe gets angry like everyone else, but when he’s angry, he becomes silent. Debbie finds that this silence treatment, brings about the same anxiety/stress that her first husband’s yelling did. .

Has she made a bad choice with Joe?

No, but she has to deal with those feelings of being out of control when Joe gives her the silent treatment instead of yelling. The situation forces her to deal with those feelings all over again. If she blames Joe for her unhappiness, instead of discovering herself, she is destined to divorce again.

To fully rise from the pain of a breakup, the final stage of healing is so simple yet most people miss it:

Forgive yourself, and forgive your ex.

Forgive yourself for all the things you could have done.

Forgive your ex for everything you wish he/she could have done.

Make the decision to move on and leave the past behind, no matter what it is or how “wronged” you felt you were.

That is the final step in healing and emerging from a divorce or breakup.

Here is a great quote from Sara Paddison:

Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologizes or changes.

Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you.

Love them and release them.

Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time—just like it does for you and me.

–Sara Paddison

And when you reach this important level of healing you can truly be open again to be with someone else.


All the best on your quest!,

Gail

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