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Recently a close friend called to tell me that she’s breaking up with her fiancé, who she has been with for six years.

They got engaged just last year and were even planning to buy a new house together.

Of course, it came as a huge shock, as I had always thought everything was running so perfectly for her (or, at least, that’s how it seemed on her social media).

I remember she met her now ex boyfriend/fiancé during freshmen year of college. He was her “first love,” as she had never had a boyfriend before him. All her friends, including myself, were really happy for her.

The two of them stuck together for the whole four years of college, and even went on a graduation trip to Europe together afterward.

Then, she moved to another state for work and they began a long-distance relationship. That arrangement lasted for just over one year before they got back to living in the same city again. And before long, he proposed, she said yes and they got engaged.

Everything was “going according to plan,” like most fairytales we know that center around the idea of first loves and happily ever afters.

But then, like a cruel twist of fate, things began to change. My friend suddenly fell out of love with the person she would marry.

“How do you know if you are still in love with someone, or if you’re staying because of the familiarity?” she asked me over the phone.

At the time, I was pretty taken aback by her frankness. “Give me a moment to think about it. I want to give a clear answer to you,” I replied. And, after a minute or two of awkward silence on the phone, this is how I broke it down for her:

There’s a difference between wanting somebody/something and needing something/someone.

Here’s an analogy: You want a Prada bag, but you don’t exactly need one. Of course, your desire for that particular thing you want can be weak or strong, depending on several things.

You may want something really badly, with every ounce of strength that you possess,
or you may only want it half-heartedly. On the other hand, you need oxygen; there is no real desire for it, but you have to have it, nonetheless, for survival.

Of course, there are circumstances in which a need may become a want. For instance, when you’re drowning, the need for oxygen gets so strong that the need becomes want.

In those few seconds, you want oxygen like you want your life — literally. Often, we only truly appreciate the value and necessity of some things only when we lose them, don’t we?

Want and need can be really different, but at times, pretty similar. So, what is love? Here’s the answer to the million-dollar question: Love is when you want what you need and need what you want.

Now, let me spell it out for you further.

I believe most love relationships start out with a state of wanting. When you fall in love, you want the other person very, very much.

And then slowly, over time, as you love, you also become more and more accustomed to that person, so much so that you might even feel as though you can’t live without him or her. This is when want becomes need. When you want and need something simultaneously, you can call it love.

When you truly love someone, you know that you want him or her. You can feel that craving in the depth of your soul and in every nerve and every fiber of your physical being. It may feel almost like an addiction or an unyielding obsession.

You know that there is lust, but there is also something more. It’s something that truly satisfies, yet leaves you wanting more. Indeed, love can leave you in a vulnerable state. Perhaps this is where “want” transcends into “need.”

It’s when you have become so dependent on the other person for your emotional and physical demands that you can’t live properly if he or she disappeared from your life completely.

With this person, you can feel a sense of familiarity and assurance that comes with his or her acceptance of you. You feel safe with him or her.

In a way, love can become a comfort zone, a refuge you can run to. Though, in another way, it can also be a dangerous place where you might get yourself or the other party really hurt.

After a breakup, it’s unavoidable that you will feel slightly needy because now that you’re out of your comfort zone, you just want to feel safe again.

My friend did admit to me that in her head, she didn’t want her ex as a boyfriend or lover anymore, yet in her heart, she still had feelings for him, and thus she felt deeply perplexed.

“This is not love that you’re feeling,” I tried to explain, “It’s nostalgia. Even if you were to get back together after he comes begging at your feet, you might be satisfied for a while, but you won’t stay satisfied for long.

Because, in the end, he is still not what you want. He was, but that’s the past. You loved him, but now, you don’t. Now you feel like you need him only because he’s part of what that feels familiar.

Undeniably, he’s the safer choice, compared to being single again after such a long time. But, I can assure you that if you settle for this half-assed love, you are risking nothing but your future happiness.”

My friend knew that I was right, and I knew I was right, too. Yet, I was also fully aware that it might be slightly hypocritical of me to set such high bars for her. At the end of the day, it’s not me who will suffer the consequences of my advice — she will.

Still, I wouldn’t have given her advice that I would not personally follow. No one said going through breakups is easy, let alone leaving the person you thought you would marry. Yet, it’s definitely better than running away on the wedding day, right?

The truth is, love is never completely black and white. In fact, I think 80 percent of it is grey matter. Love can fade just as quickly as it can surge and fill your entire being with its magical feelings of happiness and bliss.

Lust is part of love, but love cannot be defined solely by the feeling of wanting someone. Desires can be ephemeral, just like feelings are mercurial.

And, when you need someone but do not have that insatiable want for him or her, it could be nostalgia or just lazy dependency.

Don’t settle for less. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone in search of a person who could be better for you either. Like they say, you accept the love you think you deserve.

Take some time and think about it. Some things are better late than never, and love is certainly one of them.

Source – Elitedaily.com
Author – Keay Nigel

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THE NEW RULES OF ATTRACTION

by NINA MALKIN

When it comes to finding love, there are certain truths that seem so irrefutable that anyone would be a fool not to follow them. Maybe you’re a firm believer that you can tell within seconds if you’re attracted to someone. Or, maybe you adhere to the idea that a first kiss says it all: if you feel fireworks, your date’s a keeper; if it bombs, you decide to cut your losses. While these romantic maxims have their fans, experts insist that these laws no longer hold true in today’s dating world. In short, many rules people choose to follow need a little revamping. To that end, we’ve consulted authorities in the field to bring you the most up-to-date strategies for finding someone you’ll click with romantically.

ImageOld rule: You can tell if you’re truly attracted to someone in three seconds.

New rule: You can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to someone until you’ve had three dates.

“Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s convenient to think you can tell whether you click with someone that quickly. But experts recommend cultivating a bit more patience by sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether you’re a match (or not). The reason? People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can someone truly relax and maybe build some rapport with another person. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term partnering potential. “An important part of a compatible relationship is ensuring that each partner’s values coincide — and to learn that takes time, discussion, observation, and interpersonal interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues,” says James C. Piers, Ph.D., professor and program director of social work at Hope College in Holland, MI. So, don’t write someone off (or fall head over heels) until you’ve done your due diligence.

Old rule: Your mate must meet all the criteria on your “must-have list.”

New ruleImage: A “must-have list” looks great on paper, but it won’t keep you warm at night.

You can check off the attributes you want — appearance, background, education, career, salary, etc. — but unless you’re building your partner in a lab, you’re almost certainly missing out. Of course, you should have standards and not settle for a two-packs-a-day smoker who doesn’t want kids when you’re allergic to cigarette smoke and eager to start a family… but settling for nothing less than perfection is unrealistic. “Wish lists are a classic recipe for unsuccessful dating,” says relationship coach Hu Fleming, Ph.D. “They’re too limiting and don’t allow for chemistry, which is more intangible and valuable.” Try to be flexible, especially when it comes to physical or material attributes like someone’s height, salary, or hair color. After all, just because someone’s 6’2”, blonde, or makes six figures doesn’t mean he or she will make you happy, so do yourself a favor and treat your wish list describing your ideal mate as just one factor in deciding who’s right for you.

ImageOld rule: Opposites attract.

New rule: Opposites attract and they attack! 

Dating your diametric opposite might mean feeling the surprise of relating to someone really new and different than your usual type, trading lots of challenging banter, and sharing scintillating chemistry — but sustaining a partnership with this person may ultimately prove to be unfulfilling. “The classic couple with nothing in common except their on-fire fights plays well in the movies, but in real life, that attraction fizzles quickly,” says Alyssa Wodtke, coauthor of Truth, Lies, and Online Dating: Secrets to Finding Romance on the Internet. “If you don’t like to do the same things, there will be nothing for you to do outside of the home. And if you don’t want the same things for the future, what kind of future can you have?” We’re not saying that you should end up with someone identical to yourself, but ideally, it should be someone who complements your personality (see the next rule for more details).

Old rule: Your date’s taste in music (or movies, or books) mirrors yours — so you must be soul mates.

ImageNew rule: You want to fall in love with a person, not a playlist.

Sometimes you meet someone and have so much in common, you just know it must be love. After all, each of you has seen Phish perform at least a dozen times and know the works of David Sedaris inside and out. But don’t confuse having mirror-image tastes with romantic chemistry. In fact, it’s probably better if your interests don’t match up exactly. Not only does that leave room for you to expand your boundaries and dabble in pursuits that your partner digs, it also means you two will probably have little trouble maintaining some healthy independence. “Some of the best relationships are those where both parties have completely independent hobbies and allow for the concept of ‘his, her and our’ time,” notes Dr. Fleming. So, take it as a good sign if you spend the occasional Saturday night apart — with you doing dips at ballroom dancing class and your date doing the wave at an NBA game, for example.

Old rule: Your first kiss should be a toe-curling experience.

New rule: Your first kiss is ultimately inconsequential.

In fairy tales, an amazing first kiss leads to happily ever after — no wonder we place such importance on that primary pucker! But there are ample reasons Imagewhy a first kiss from a potentially great partner can go awry (like nervousness or a less-than-ideal setting) — and just as many to explain why a first kiss from Mr./Ms. Wrong can feel so right (you’ve just been dumped and are looking for validation, perhaps?). “A kiss can be a romantic, erotic experience with someone you find physically attractive, but a relationship will crumble without more complex attributes, like shared values,” points out Dr. Piers. So rather than write someone off following a less-than-mindblowing kiss, smile and move in slowly for smooch number two — either at that moment or on a subsequent date. Trust us, you owe it to yourselves.

Old rule: When it’s true love, you think about the other person constantly.

ImageNew rule: When it’s true love, thinking about the other person makes you feel good.

Hmm, has Willie Nelson’s cover of “Always on My Mind” become the theme song for how you feel about your sweetie? That may not be for the best. “Constantly thinking about another person isn’t love, it’s infatuation, and infatuation has no correlation with being a good match,” says Dr. Fleming. Ultimately, it’s a better gauge to assess the quality of your thoughts rather than the quantity. “If you have warm and comfortable feelings when you think about your date, that indicates a relationship built on stability, trust and a strong ‘friendship’ factor, denoting a relationship that will more likely wear well over time,” says Dr. Piers. If, on the other hand, your relationship keeps you up all night as you analyze this person’s emails for hidden messages that reveal his or her true feelings, you may be chasing down someone who doesn’t really want to be yours.

Article written by : Nina Malkin

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously

visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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About 65% of the singles that attend my events are divorced. The other 35% are made up of widows and those singles-never married.  Almost all have been in long lengthily relationships or marriages, and suddenly find themselves single. Becoming suddenly single again after a long time is like taking up residency in a foreign country and not speaking the language very well.  So what are the rules in this country anyway?

Now anyone that knows me, I am not a big fan of a bunch of rules I’m a rebel at heart. But one must know the rules first in order to break them!

Now there are no hard, fast rules when it comes to dating. Although if you read the dating book called  “the RULES” these gals will tell you there are some rules women must never break! I read the book and found 70% to be ridiculous and 30% I had to begrudgingly agree with.

So what information do you need most to get out there and start over?  Well for starters do a good assessment of yourself to see if you dealt with all the emotional baggage and feel truly ready to date. If you have forgiven yourself and your past and moved on; you will probably do fine. (You might want to read- * Adjusting, letting go, forgiving after a breakup)

Here are some basics to keep in mind when you start dating again:

1. Be true to yourself first.
Now that you are newly single, try to bring balance to your life. You may be eager to date but don’t forget to make time for yourself as well as spend time with friends and family. Date if you feel ready but don’t make it your whole life.

2. Form new relationships with other single people.
If you don’t already have single friend, then find some. Go to single events with the mindset that if I don’t meet the woman or man of my dreams, finding a new single friend will be very helpful. For single ladies, I hold a monthly singles ladies brunch just for this reason to make new single friends. Your married friends are great, but they can’t always relate to your single status and can’t join you on single adventures. A single woman can never have enough single girlfriends for support and to pal around with. Check our Calendar of Events for the next single ladies brunch by you.

3. One date does not form a relationship.
It’s important to know that everyone you date will not be interested in a second date. Just because you were interested in a second date doesn’t mean they have to be. Don’t let the fact that you don’t get called to go out again, make you want to give up or cause you to think negatively about yourself. Move on to the next person and be willing to go through a process of elimination, which could take some time. Don’t take going out on dates too seriously, that you project your thoughts way to far into the future.

4. Don’t come on too strong.
If you were in a long term marriage then you are used to being part of a couple. Divorce means lots of changing and growing for an individual. Bad habits, new place to live, new friends may all be a part of your new life as a newly single individual. Don’t let the couple habit cause you to come on too strong and chase someone special away. You are dating, not stalking so be careful not to overwhelm.

5. Don’t forget to respect yourself.
Go slowly when it comes to sharing information about yourself with a date. It will convey a sense of self – respect and create mystery. So, keep the details to a minimum until you know they are worthy of hearing them. Leave the details of your divorce at home. It’s a date, not a therapy session.

6. The world is your test tube.
Approach the dating game with an attitude of openness and experimentation. It is possible that every date you go on, could lead you to Mr./Ms. Right but… keep an open mind and your feet planted firmly on the ground and you will at least learn something new on every date you go on.

7. Try something new.
Don’t box yourself in with the idea that you have a “type” that you are attracted to. Change those old thought process, step outside your head and broaden your horizons. You may find that what you thought would make you gag, actually makes you happy. Read- * Dating with a Champagne taste with a Beer pocket

8. Never underestimate the power of flirting.
Nothing is more fun than flirting and nothing helps you connect to another person quicker than being playful. Be charming and delightful, show some vitality. Keep it light and festive, not deep and serious. Keep your mind in the moment and not on the long term goal of falling in love. Read- * Flirting is the ultimate welcome

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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This morning I was searching and searching for my mouse pad.
Spent a good 20 minutes or so, checking here…then checking there… huh! 
Where could it have disappeared to? I gave up the search, and opened my laptop.
POP there it was, found it!
On my keyboard hiding.
It kind of reminded me of the cliche while dating “You always find something when you’re not looking.”When someone is frustrated with their love life search, people love to tell you… “You always find someone when you’re not looking.”
The idea is that relationships only come along when you’re so frustrated that you stop looking, like the universe is taking pity on you or something. And the “advice,” is then translated to just stop looking for a relationship.
This cliche is better translated to  “When you lose something, it’s always in the last place you look.”  Because really when you think about nothing is ever really “lost” its just in another place!

But getting back to the original “You always find someone when you’re not looking” I’ll admit it does have some truth to it—as you’re more likely to find a relationship when you’re not spending 12 hours a day on match.com—

but it’s not because you’ve stopped looking.

The people who seem most attractive are those who seem happy, well-adjusted, confident, and, most important—busy. When someone seems like they have a full and exciting life, other people want to be part of it.
Desperate is never pretty.
As one man once said to me… I can smell desperate from a mile away.

When you “stop looking” (which we will translate as “stop looking desperate”), you’re sending these kinds of signals.  Your life seems so cool and interesting that you’re not going to drop everything to look for a boyfriend, and that’s precisely why guys are going to want to be yours.

So the trick isn’t to stop looking; it’s to make it seem as though you’re not looking   But instead to project a persona that seems too awesome to settle for just anyone, and to market your life as something that everyone should want.

This means not skipping the gym for a date with a guy you met casually at Star Bucks the other day

It means not showing up for singles events and have a bored or mad look on your face because prince charming didn’t ride in that night
or making statements like ” I’m giving up! There is no one one out there “ As if this will attract someone to you right away since you have now stopped looking! 
It means building a life that’s totally fun and fulfilling without the partner, but when a partner does comes along, it means making sure he knows you will be a happy person with or without him.

PS of course you can come on out and have fun while you wait for “the one” at our events with
7 in Heaven, so much to do, something for everyone

See you there!

Warm Regards,

Gail Adams

7 in Heaven Singles Events

On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- www.7-in-heaven.com

631- 592-9804



Personal Matchmaking Services
by  
Gailwww.HeavenlyMatch.net

Singles, events today for singles, SPEED DATING, Speed-dating, current events for singles, Where to meet singles, How to meet singles, single women, single guys, singles long island, Single events on long island, single parties, where to meet long island singles, best speed dating on long island, Nassau county events for singles, Suffolk county events for singles, Queens Single Events, Best place to meet singles on long island, Long island events for singles, Activities for singles, Dance parties for singles, sports for singles, Single Dinner parties, Single Gourmet, Personal Matchmaking, Matchmaker, Long Island Matchmaker, Personal Matchmaking Services, Professional Matchmaker, Introduction services, Dating services. Best Dating services, where to find a matchmaker, personal dating services

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I have had this question posed to me before from singles, when a woman who has slept with a man early on in the dating stages, suddenly discovers a week or two later…

Golly gee... why does this relationship appears to be only about SEX !

How did this happen?

Or better yet, try to turn it into a REAL relationship.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not passing any judgments here. We are all adults making our own decisions, my goal is to simply enlighten you of the consequences of your actions and how things will play out from that point forward. If you decide to go home and sleep with a guy the very first date or time you meet with him, you really have to adjust your expectations accordingly. You have just made the decision to turn this into a casual night of fun, or “hookup” as some would call it, and once you have made this decision there is no turning back.

If you get a second date, well then consider it an unexpected added bonus to the casual fun night again. Don’t ever think, just because you now have slept together, you two are now property of each other. The “hookup” will never guarantee no matter how good the sex was, that he will be calling again. If that’s your ulterior motive then you just set yourself up for a major disappointment.

I know…  your saying it’s not fair!

Well I didn’t make the rules, and I have broken them enough times to know …they still do exist! And when you do break the rules, be prepared for what follows. Even though a man wants to get physical with you right away, and might even tell (or beg you) it won’t change a thing… that same man will be re-evaluating the relationship as soon as the light of day shows up!

They will always wonder in the back of their minds, if you do this with every Tom, Dick and Harry you meet? And you should question the same in your mind about him… is he with every Jane, Sally and Betty?

Even though it seems like a good idea at the time, and we all love instant gratification, the fact is, a man will more likely respect a women, stay with a women, and want to please her, is the woman that leaves him wanting more. When you hold back a little, that’s intriguing and something to look forward to. Become the object of his desire beyond the initial lust you both feel. THAT works both ways for MEN and WOMEN

If you goal is long term, then take my advise, and hold off, get to know him better, wait until you get the feeling you can trust him. Let him earn your trust firs t. You are worth it !

But end the first date at the bar meeting at the BAR, no matter how well it went!

Sorry guys, but I had to tell them. But you will thank me too when you meet the right girl Just think of  all the drama I am saving you from  those crazy stalking women that will follow you, if you go too far too soon, and then you decide you want to back out of the relationship!

Hey it’s true, I once told a guy that was practically begging me to sleep with him on the first date night  “no thanks… one night stands are like having a Chinese food. It will leave you hungry an hour later.”

Go for the full sit down dinner, trust me it will always be much more memorable.

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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So up to this point, there has not been too much

competition in the personal MATCHMAKING services for Long Island

Well that has all changed now…

Heavenly MATCH  is here on Long Island for Matchmaking  services

How many singles are here on Long Island?

Long Island is made up of a very diverse group of people.  As of the 2010, Long Island had a population of 7,568,304 making it the most populated island in any U.S. state or territory! AND in the entire USA 44.1 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older were SINGLE! So if we do our math correctly… about 333,000 residents of Long Island SINGLE.

Now you might think its easy to find someone with all these singles living in one spot right? Well think again; one person described it to me this way… Imagine you are at a big mall with thousands of people there at one time, how many of those people do you think you would get to meet personally and how many would you actually want to date?

Why would someone hire a matchmaker?

Personal matchmaking takes the tiresome legwork out of dating by outsourcing ‘the search’ for interesting, like-minded individuals that have YOUR same desires at heart. My prior years of experience and background as a head-hunting / corporate recruiter, makes me a sharp judge of character in a mate making me your Perfect Personal Liaison for LOVE!

And our sister company 7 in Heaven Singles Events is a perfect combination for networking and meeting long island singles.

We currently have over 5000 Long Island Singles as members!

What kind of individuals become exclusive clients of matchmakers?Generally most clients are upscale professionals age 28 to 40+ and looking to settle down and start a life with someone for the first time. Other clients are in their 40′s and 50′s and up, established in life, perhaps already have been married prior, and seeking to fulfill their goals of finding the right life partner for the rest of their lives.

Learn more about this new Matchmaking Service by clicking HERE

Check out our GREAT Articles on Dating Advice, Stories and Support on this blog!

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How many times have I heard someone say…

“I don’t know how I am going to get thru this”

or

“OMG…I hate being single why did things have to turn out this way?”

We forget that “CHANGE” is inevitable and the only thing that is consistent in life.

Everything does come to an end or change.

Jobs change, children grow, neighbors move, and yes… relationships end.

So how do we deal with it? 

Your significant other walks in the room one day and says…

I don’t love you anymore, or its not working out… at first hearing these words trigger emotions that make you feel like someone just put a knife to your gut. The pain is deep, and you may feel like your whole world just ended. The person you were so close to is now becoming someone you USE to know.

But after the tears and the heart wrenching emotions, you slowly start to realize your life is NOT over. And maybe eventually start to realize that letting someone else have that much power over our lives is crazy! Isn’t it our choice to get up each morning and make our day?

The first step in healing and dealing is taking the power back. YOU are in charge of your life, and the master of your destiny. And the only person to trust is your higher source! Once you embrace the fact that you do have control of your destiny doors will open for you.

YES there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Take time to get to know you, this is a new opportunity to relish your spirit and soul – reinvent yourself so that when the NEXT person steps into your life you will have a full tank of love to give back!

Time is your friend. Be patient and wise with it.

GO OUT to meet new single people, try new things!

(CHECK out this month’s calendar of events)

And don’t be afraid to go alone, open your mind and your heart to allow new experiences to happen.  You may think the relationship was the worst thing to happen to you, but if you give yourself enough time and remain open… it could be the BEST THING that ever happen to you!

All things are not always clear when they first happen. Finish the journey then when you look back, you may find yourself saying one day

What was I thinking?

There is a lesson in every relationship so try to figure out and understand what you can learn from this experience. Prepare yourself for the next phase of your life. Try to move on without regrets and hatred – this will only keep you at a standstill.

Let go and be thankful you have time to keep on living and making your dreams a reality.

 

Warm Regards,

 

Gail Adams– Event Coordinator

 

in-Heaven SinglesEvents | http://www.7-in-heaven.com/contact.html
7 in Heaven Singles Events

On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site-www.7-in-heaven.com   631- 592-9804

 Personal Matching by Gailwww.HeavenlyMatch.net

 

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously

 

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”J” wrote in:

Though I don’t think I had an interest in anyone at the event last night, and I had fun and met some nice people, – it felt sad, kind of down on myself that no one had an interest in me.   I usually meet people easily just in the everyday world and then I go to an event and feel rotten about myself  – yeah, ugly, old, and out of sorts…….

I think it just feels more natural when it is an event that one likes but not specifically geared towards “hey I’m single, I’m here and are you interested?”   I maybe might try it one more time, but not in a comfort level when I’m at an event that labels me as “single”.  Now tell me… is this stupid or what?

———————————————————————————————————-

Dear “J”

Thank you for allowing me to understand what is going on with your emotions regarding being single.
As an intuitive person, and my life experience interviewing people, I can get a good (not GREAT… just good) idea of what might be going on behind the scenes

1. First this  type of event- an activity mixer event, is not structured the same as a REGULAR SPEED DATING event, where the focus of the whole evening is on the “score sheet” which… by the way, I never call it.

I refer to it as a Secret Ballot.

That’s because the whole concept of “rating” comes to mind with the word “Score” and that is really not what its about.
Just like yourself, you are attracted to some but not everyone.

We are all the same. Some will be attracted to you, but maybe you will not be attracted to them. OR maybe you are attracted but the other is not attracted to you.

A MATCH is when the 2 lucky people agree… they are both attracted to each other.
We should do our best, to try to understand this is not personal!!

It is… what it is…… ONE person’s opinion and not attracted to us, BUT so many others ARE attracted to us!

2. About being single… I don’t remember if you told me what your situation was… but my guess is that you (like myself) were married or in a very long committed relationship and now are single.
People that have been single all their lives understand stand this world so much better!     I had a bit of a learning curve myself, since I had met my husband at 19, married at 22 and then single again at 45.
Girl let me tell you, I still a work in progress!
Some suggested reading for you on being single TURN YOUR CAB LIGHT ON…
above is a link to a used copy CHEAP at Half.com
Maybe I like this author because she is ALSO a recruiter turned dating adviser just like ME!    I like the no-nonsense advise she gives.

3. I think just like all of us, you need to consider what to work on first … and I think it’s about being more comfortable being single… being “labeled” as SINGLE, and realizing its not that bad.
It’s a state of being. If you have had a few rotten relationships in your life, you know there is nothing easy about dealing with a rotten relationship! Being single has it challenges too, but it’s never as lonely being single and alone then being in a rotten relationship AND being alone!!!

Its interesting that you wrote you don’t want to be labeled as single, when in fact so many PAY to go to event just so they can be with those that are like themselves … SINGLE. I mean who wants to be hanging around couples on a night out. For example let’s take New Years eve, when the whole thing is so focused on being a couple that night! If I spent the night with a bunch of people that were not single… then that’s when I would feel most awkward. Especially since now that I have been single for coming up to 8 years. (I was married 22 yrs)

I would rather spend my time with others making new single friends, that in fact, will give me the opportunity to meet someone I will have a future with and maybe BE a couple again.
Am I making any sense here or what?
Please do write me your thoughts on this subject comments below or …

So what’s so BAD about being single? (polls)

 

Wishing you joy on your journey,

PS – Got a friend that needs some encouragement?
Forward this blog – they’ll thank you for it!

 

on your search for the one we make being single fun

All the best on your quest!,

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or
visit the web site to check out our fun
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Do you Hate to date?

Have you ever said this out loud or to yourself?

Well at our last interactive Workshop held Oct 20, 2011 – Topic – the laws of attractions ~ how to attract the right one, just saying or even THINKING this way put up road blocks to successfully finding the right person!

How is that?

Well our mentor EUGENIA KARAHALIAS explained:

What you think about ~ you bring about! FEELINGS then attached to your thoughts then fuel it. Let is go…any negative beliefs you may have, work everyday toward being Grateful for what IS going well in your life, and what you do have. Say YES to life and LIFE says YES to you!

So…how can we figure out what we need to change so we can bring about all this good stuff Eugenia is talking about? Lets start with figuring out what kind of DATER you are! Then we can work on possible solutions…

Which DATER are YOU?

1. Procrastinator I’ll start dating next month, next year, when I lose weight, when I fix myself, when my kids grow up, and so on.

2. Worrier I’m afraid of rejection. Online dating is dangerous. If I go to an event I won’t know anyone, I am afraid of someone raping, kidnapping, or killing me.

 

3. Skeptic There is no use in trying. There is no one out there for me. I will never meet anyone. Women are all Bitches. Men suck. Most of the guys are not worth my time.

4. Beginner I don’t know the first thing about dating, and I am not ready to put myself out there.

The above questions came from : Berndt, Debra (2010). Let Love In: Open Your Heart and Mind to Attract Your Ideal Partner (p. 178). Wiley. Kindle Edition.

Once you can identify which one you are…it will be easier for you to work towards improving your success with dating.

Procrastinators – well you may have this problem in other areas of your life and as you may have already figured out, life will pass you right by if you don’t make a decision to get to it right now!

Worriers need to try to break it down a bit. Learning to let go more, understand we can’t control all outcomes but that shouldn’t stop you from trying. Many times we hear only the negatives and believe that this makes up the majority of the dating pool …NOT SO! Just like you.. there are millions of honest, loving singles out there..and less BAD GUYS then you think looking and searching as you read this right now.

Skeptic ah yes.. Guilty of this one myself, you must work hard everyday to be grateful, what IS going well in your life, and what you do have. This will keep the “boomerang” effect of the universes laws of attraction coming back to bite you in the ____

Beginners– This one is easy! Come on out to our events and see for yourself you have nothing to loose. Remember how scary it was learning to drive? And how thrilling it was to pass that drivers test? ( I was going to use the learning to ride a bicycle.. but for some of us that was a VERY long time ago) Anyway, when you attend your first event this will be the feeling you should walk away with. I DID IT! Wow, that wasn’t so hard after all in fact I HAD FUN!

So I hope to see you at an event soon … ALL of you Procrastinators, Worriers, Skeptics, and Beginners!

Check the online Calendar of Events

And just come on out, you’ll never know unless you GO!

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- http://www.7-in-heaven.com

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BIG NEWS….
VOTED LONG ISLAND’S BEST DATING SERVICE on LI
 

will be hosting the FIRST  
Long Island Millionaire SPEED DATING Event!

The Date will be in June 2011 and held at a fine Nassau County location. MEN will be verified Millionaires, and women will also be screened and have to be approved to attend this event. Stay Tuned for all details to follow in the next few weeks.
And speaking of the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti has accomplished this fine art quite well. She likes to call it “POWER DATING” instead of Speed Dating, since the candidates are pre-screened.

From PATTI the Millionaire MATCHMAKER..
Tips for SPEED DATING!
Use these words of wisdom to help you rate the speed daters.
Then watch the dates HERE from the Millionaire Matchmaker Show!

1. Don’t be a flaw finder.
Patti Says: “Most people can’t find love because they overanalyze, they’re ultra picky, and they find things wrong in people. We call them flaw finders.”

2. Avoid bringing personal baggage to the table.
Patti Says: “In the beginning, it is best not to bring up any of your deep personal issues; your date is not your therapist.”

3. Be engaging.
Patti Says: “The conversation should become a ping-pong match, with the gentleman serving and the lady responding with information about herself when he asks. Respond to questions with positive energy and enthusiasm, and stay on neutral subjects like the arts and current events. Witty banter is very important. Ask interesting questions, be a good listener as well as an active participant.”

4. Avoid discussion of other romantic relationships.
Patti Says: “Men and women don’t want to hear about their competition. Focus on the date at hand.”

5. Go easy on the booze.
Patti Says: “Although it may be very tempting, in order to relax, drinking more than two alcoholic beverages could cloud your judgment. Stay clear and focused, and never allow yourself to become sloppy or drunk.”

6. If you’re interested, show some interest!
Patti Says: “Don’t play hard to get … Your date likes genuine compliments just as much as you do (maybe even more) so don’t be afraid to tell them that they’re attractive, interesting or funny.”

7. Mind your manners.
Patti Says: “I don’t care who or what you are. If you treat your date like crap, you’re a narcissist, you’re a bragosaurus, you’re out.”

Wishing you joy on your journey,

Gail
7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site- http://www.7-in-heaven.com

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Dear Gail,

I have to ask you this question… a guy once told me that when a bunch of women come to a speed-dating event together as friends (or clique), some of them may already be in relationships and are just coming for support for their friend.

So not all the women are actually available? In addition, I was told that when women “huddle together” after the event, that they will decide who picks who so their is no competition amongst them.

Is this true?

From  “Team player

—————————————————————————————

Dear “Team player”

Some of the points you make are true! And let me start by explaining not all women behave this way….

Yes we women from Venus do congregate much more then the men from Mars.

We go to the bathroom together, feel the need more urgently then the men to go to events together….

But the “huddle” amongst the girlfriends is more about comparing notes, to evaluate and crosscheck referenced information, not so much as to decide, “who gets who”.

Example: “OH… I didn’t know that about him… he told you that?

Trust me MEN do it too…. it’s just that women do it more.

As for women attending events that are already in relationships, I have to say no, that is not the norm. Honest women (or men) that are in relationships won’t attend a singles event as they risk meeting people that they might know! And then will have to explain to their significant other, “hey I know so-and-so told you they saw me there, but really, I was only there for my friend.”

It might be a bit difficult to explain…

I want you to know, I always encourage women to attend alone. They benefit so much more by attending alone.
Read my BLOG article about it!

I hope to enlighten a few women out there, how we must look to the guys when we do the SPEED DATING HUDDLE after the event is over.

Ladies, keep in mind, only YOU will know if that person you meet will be right for you after a few date to get to know one another. You don’t need your girlfriend’s approval, or information she gathered. You need to form your own opinion.

Thanks for attending team player!

All the best on your quest,

Gail Adams– Event Coordinator

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!

Web site-
http://www.7-in-heaven.com

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It’s that time of year… and singles that are dealing with a recent death or breakup / separation the transition of making these life changing experiences can be especially challenging during the Holiday season.

No one wants to be alone. Best simple suggestion to help you feel a little better during this adjustment period  try volunteering your time or donating to help those less fortunate.

There are countless charities around that would need your help and would love for you to offer your time or donation.

Volunteer at the local animal shelter or nursing home will help remind you how fortunate you really are despite your current situation.

Check it out and find charitable activities that will stimulate and amuses you.

Visit  Long Island Volunteer Center  pick an organization that you feel most passionate about! Get involved make new friends

Not everyone will be single, but it will make you feel good, and you may just make some new single friends!

7 in Heaven’s Charity picks for this month:

CLEANING ANGELS   by Theresa Family Cleaning  

*Cleans houses for free for those undergoing cancer treatments $65 cleans one house but any amount donation is appreciated

Needs donations in any amount

——————————————————————-

HOPE for Youth  (Foster Care assistance)

* Helps Foster children and their families with housing, guidance and support. Goal is to keep them on the right path!

Needs  donations and or – organizations/ businesses that can donate services such as – accounting, youth athletic programs (karate, dance etc..) Printer business for flyers, Taxi services anything that might help! call and ask…..

OR – new toys for older teens- EXAMPLES- Gift Cards for Movies, Mall shopping, Best Buys, Itunes…used or new WEE Games or other electronic games.

———————————————————————-

Homeless VETERANS of Northport

*Donations of toiletries such as toothpaste, flip/flops for showers, soap, shampoo are being collected at Events this month for 7 in Heaven. Receive a $5 off coupon at the event for your donation.

* Visit the web site above to see how you can volunteer your time with activities they have for the vets there,

 

Another suggestion is:
Long Island Food Not Bombs

Which is an amazing organization that helps share FREE food to Long Islanders in need.

You can donate food, or items you don’t want and it will go to those that need it!

This community organization shares free groceries, clothing, books, toys, etc… with anyone that can use it.

The people that come to LIFNB don’t just get some food, they share and give a good portion of what a person may need for a whole week.

That means on most days folks can leave with 3 or 4 large bags of fresh organic groceries, (breads, fruits, veggies, protein, juice etc.)

Long Island Food Not Bombs shares every week at these locations:
*Click on the town for more details
Every Sunday @ 2pm in Hempstead
Every Monday @ 5:30pm in Coram
Every Tuesday @ 6:30pm in Huntington
Every Thursday @ 7pm in Farmingville
Every Saturday @ 3pm in BedStuyAnd don’t forget….people need help all year round.

Our jammed packed calendar this month of DECEMBER with fun activities and new places to visit, means there is no reason to be alone this holiday season! come on out and make some new friends!

You can check the Calendar online for more details about this weeks events and other fun stuff on the calendar coming up.

Wishing you joy on your journey,

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!


Visit the web site to check out our fun events

http:// www.7-in-heaven.com
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Hungry Ghosts looking for Love

From one of my favorite books  – Zen and the Art of Falling in Love

What is a Hungry Ghost?

Someone who cannot find love.

Its not that love has not come their way… Hundreds of time in their life they are led to tables spread with endless food and precious delights, but no matter how much they eat (date)… they cannot be satisfied. Either they aren’t at the table in time, or can’t seem to taste the food or no matter how much they put in their mouths, they continue to search for more. Hungry ghosts might sample one relationship after another yet not knowing how to digest it, never satisfied.

 

They never know or get to know the REAL person who is actually standing right in front of them.

 

All they know is that they want more… and more… and more…

 

They fantasize that someone ELSE… the “perfect person” is about to walk through the door.

 

Certain wounded hungry ghosts, may appear like they are available for love, but they really only have an intention to “play the game” the game of seducing and teasing and when love does find them…they reject the person. Their pleasure is in withdrawing the love they seem to be offering. This provides these ghosts with a sense of control so that nobody will ever control them through the strange experience of love.

 

Hungry Ghosts are the single people who enter huge rooms filled with hundreds of single people and immediately say “ there is no one here tonight” they cannot experience or be satisfied with that which life presents. In terms of relationships, they go around and around on a merry-go-round grabbing for the gold ring which is always just beyond their reach. OR if they do catch it, they soon discover to their horror that it is not actually gold! but brass.

 

All of this is exhausting and disheartening and makes the hungry ghost very sad.

 

Even when they are with someone they love, they often wonder, could someone else be their TRUE soul mate out there? Could they missing them?

 

Their painful affliction, which has become quite familiar, has become hard to change.

Its almost like they have developed an affliction for this pattern. Maybe they love being alone?

 

What the hungry ghost is lacking is the one missing very important ingredient to falling in love…

 

PATIENCE

It takes time for a person to feel at home in a relationship and to reveal whom they really are so you can see the good inside. It takes time to wait for another and to develop true caring and trust.

Hungry ghost however have a difficult time with patience.

Starving for food and love they will often grab at anything just to satisfy themselves. Sometimes don’t even know the difference between food and garbage! They take in anything in anyway just as long as they can immediately feel full … it’s the hollow feeling they can’t tolerate that drives their lives.

 

Does this information seem to describe you somewhat?

Hungry Ghosts never satisfied?

What can you do to change to become more successful and break the bad karma?

 

First and foremost we must STOP our attachment to the patterns and false notions that the love we so desperately crave comes from somewhere, or someone else. When we are dependent upon the external world to fulfill us, sooner or later the rock we keep trying to roll up the mountain begins to fall down.

Conditions change

People leave

Our sense of ourselves falters with the changes

 

Without the hardships, how can we appreciate what is valuable? And just as quickly, love can happen in a second, but we have to be open and ready to accept it.

 

We discount so many on first impressions while we are waiting for the “right one” to appear.

 

Take time today to relax, to be patience.

To know wishing or demanding love to happen NOW will only prolong your search.

 

Enjoy life as best you can, enjoy the days, evenings and weekends making new friends even if you don’t meet “the one” that very night.

 

To check out this weeks events CLICK HERE

 

Lots of fun creative ways to enjoy life, make friends and fall in love!

All the best on your quest!

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!


visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously

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Ahh yes the wonderful world of online dating.

If you are single, you probably are one of the estimated 20 million people a month that visit an online dating site.

And just think, that number doesn’t even include the married folks that are using online sites too!

Married and looking on the Internet is a big concern to those in marriages that are having some unresolved issues.

Even FACEBOOK has become one of the new ways to cheat, look up your old high school sweetheart, and pick up where you left off.

Problem is people can actually become addicted to online dating, as its like window-shopping with an endless supply of merchandise.

Always-new people to explore and the possibility of finding MR. or MRS perfect seem to be right around the corner. After all it should be very easy to achieve since it appears there is a bottomless pit of choices to pick from.

If someone is not exactly right for them, singles are less inclined to accept it and more likely to think hey… why settle? I can always get someone else who is just that little bit more perfect online.

This form of dating has changed the attitudes of those looking for a potential mate as it seems like it’s just an email or IM away to eternal happiness as opposed to years ago where you had to do the legwork and get out of the house to actually meet people.

And with this instant connection of dating, so have other trends increased.

I like to call it  “FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS ” are much more readily found.

Which I would define as … We like each other, we have a good time together, we’re attracted to each other, we have a lot in common but we’re not LTR material, BUT we can date until someone better comes along!”

I would say the word “disposable” sure does apply here.

Then there is SEXTING …

Text messaging dirty little messages back and forth, to keep the interest going. Which if you find you are spending more time doing more of this, then actually talking or seeing the person, to me that is one really a lame way to have sex.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that online dating is a terrible way to meet people. Many people have found great loves online. But just as many have been scammed, cheated on or lied to much more easily by using this method of dating. You must date with your feet planted firmly on the ground, and get your imagination and head out of the clouds!

Here’s a short list of pros and cons of online dating

Pro’s

  1. VERY easy to get a date – just post a decent profile with a decent picture and your off and running.
  2. You can “shop” more easily– an example is say you want to date only non-smokers, then you can sort your finds by that criteria
  3. You don’t have to limit your choices to your neighborhood. Can increase your odds by increasing your distance – no limits to where!

Con’s

  1. Many Married-and- cheating are using the online dating sites these days as a way to meet unsuspecting singles. Not meeting in person and instead emailing and talking on the phone allow people to easily be something they are not.
  2. Picture may tell 1000 words, but nothing is more upsetting then to meet someone that doesn’t look like their picture at all. People use old pics or fake pics to make themselves more attractive then they really are. Meeting in person is when the moment of truth is set.
  3. The Blind Date: When you go on an online date, you really are going on somewhat of a “blind Date” except you have an idea of what that person looks like. Someone who doesn’t interest you can wind up monopolizing your whole evening! You get dressed, drive to go out to meet someone you almost immediately decide oh no… This one is not for me… yet winds up spending a polite amount of time with this single stranger then go home disappointed.
  4. Pass by good opportunities: Many times you may have passed someone by online; because they totally blew the way they put together their profile online. And nowhere does it count more with online dating; you only get one change to make a first impression.

Over the past 8 years I have been single since my divorce, I personally have gone on what seems like hundreds of online dates. Many of these dates taught me to have patience, and a sense of humor. When I started to feel frustrated with the whole process I decided to go back to the basics and get out and MEET people in person and not to have a mission, but to have a desire to meet someone with a mission to have fun.

Attending Speed Dating and other types of activities allow you to meet face-to-face with age appropriate single men and women locally where you live and work. The events make it easy to meet other singles. You don’t need to worry about whether or not anyone will talk to you. At Speed Dating, there’s no need to fear rejection because at the event no one is allowed to ask someone for a date.

When you think about it, there are all kinds of ways to meet people. I like to explain it as; we all have a goal, a destination to reach. To get to that destination, you could travel by plane, train, and car or bus… but once you get there you don’t really care how – you’re having too much fun to care. But some ways of traveling will be more comfortable, and faster!

I personally prefer the in person way to meet people. Many people have told me when it comes to online dating, they fair much better meeting in a casual way vs. the “interview” with a first online date. For an example – men that are under the height of 5’ 9” have told me, they often get passed by when online dating as people put in the exact height they hope for. But when these great guys meet in person their personality make up for the inch or two on the wish list of any woman.

Also less married and cheating attend single events, as they have to come out in the open and meet strangers that might recognize them as the married guy down the block!

(I did say less, there is no guarantees as some people really have you know what… and will cheat anyway, anyhow )

Check out our interactive activity events and our fun organized Speed-Dating event on the CALENDAR

Step away from the computer and come out and play.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

7 in-Heaven Singles Events
On your search for the one, we make being single fun!


visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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You can comment below anonymously

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Adults that have been thorough a divorce or a death of a spouse, have come to realize that the friendly relationships they once had with other married couples changes after they become single.

Many divorcing couples don’t just divvy up their possessions when they separate; they also divide up and lay claim to their old friends. Or as the saying goes, you find out WHO your friends really are.

I have heard many times from widowed singles how they were showered with much attention at first, but after some time has passed, the relationships they have with married friends changes. They start acting strangely, distant; suddenly not available to hang out or maybe they forgot to invite you to that backyard BBQ…

Try not to take it personally it does happen to everyone when we go through a life change.

And let’s face it…becoming single means you are DATING which means your new world and theirs become very different.

Cultivating new single friendships is very important when you are re-entering the dating scene after many years

So how do you meet new people and develop authentic, deep friendships as a newly single adult? Some of you may be thinking, it’s not quite as easy as it was when we were kids! And for some, it was pretty darn hard even back then!

Most divorced and widowed singles need to regroup and make an extra effort to meet new people. Everyone needs someone to talk to that relates to him or her.

For the single ladies join us for one of our Ladies Brunch and Networking events to make new single friends. Next event is Sunday Oct 3rd in Nassau and Sun Oct 10th in Suffolk. CHECK our CALENDAR for more details


Here are some other creative ways to meet new friends when you start a new life as a single

· Seminars and Workshops ~ Many people go to seminars alone. Learning something new while meeting people that share your interest. CHECK our DATING SUCCESS WORKSHOP schedule ~ next event 9/16/10

  • Volunteer! How about a green organization, a political party, or a favorite cause for Humanity? Women with children can meet other moms volunteering at events that include children. For a few local suggestions on where to volunteer   Check our BLOG Where to meet singles when your not into the bar scene
  • · Walk a dog ~ Borrow a friend’s pooch if necessary. Canines are terrific icebreakers and most dogs will say, “Hi,” to every other dog for you.
  • · Take a Class ~ cooking classes, photography, or anything that interests you are great ways to make new friends. Your local library, or High School has interesting and inexpensive subjects.
  • · Find an exercise buddy ~ Find a hiking or bicycle club on http://www.meetup.com to find happy, healthy new friends
  • · Attend a Divorce or Widow support group ~ Make sure to choose a support group that’s a good fit for you. No one wants to hear constant whiners, who are “stuck” living in the past especially after a divorce.

Now keep in mind, that even if you meet a bunch of those “married” people, at any of these places fear not! Married folks always seem to know a single girlfriend, or a guy you just have to meet!

It’s all about networking and getting out there again just enjoying life.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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In the Beatles song  “I’m a loser” we all relate to what their message has to say about being alone and single.  And much advice has been written for us unmarried people… AKA SINGLES.

Most of the advice out there is about: how to find a man, how to woo the woman of your dreams… and of course, how to get hitched. Sometime the books and advice will make you believe, as though marriage or having a boyfriend/girlfriend were the only answer to someone’s problems…or will enable you to take your “respectful” place in society, make you feel more successful now that you found that someone.

However, is this always appropriate?

Don’t get me wrong…there is nothing wrong with being married. However, with a rate of one out of every two marriages ending in divorce, it’s pretty evident that one can’t expect someone else to fulfill them or bring them happiness or completeness, no matter what the love songs say. Also, more people are staying unmarried for longer periods of time, and to me they should be treated with respect and considered as valuable as someone wearing a wedding band.

I have been both married for many years and single now for 8 years, so I know both sides of the fence. I was shocked the first time I experienced this stigma about being single, as being married so young and for many years, I didn’t even know it existed.

It was actually a venue manager, which I will keep anonymous… a few years back when I first started my business.  He became upset when he discovered the other manager and I had arranged to have a single mingle wine tasting event in his restaurant.

He said, “ I don’t want a bunch of SINGLES, in this place, it lowers our standards and cheapens our classy restaurant. We are a family place”

Now outraged I asked him: “Really… SINGLES cheapens your restaurants (?)

Are you aware we have many 9/11 widows in our group? Do they cheapen your place too?

AND for your information, all of us HAVE FAMILIES…some have children, others have sisters, brothers, or maybe elderly parents we take care of. What gives you the right to think we are less for not having a current spouse?

Then I said, “oh let me guess, you are married”

He said “YES and for 25 years” as if he deserved some kind of metal of honor for this.

I couldn’t help but think; perhaps with a guy this rude, it was his WIFE that actually deserved the Purple Heart badge!

I then said “Well good for you!” Let’s hope nothing in life ever changes that for you, because then you would be one of us!”

How did it all end up?

Well I said OK, I’ll gladly take my business and the singles somewhere else, and let each and everyone of them know why, and since I already advertised YOUR restaurant, I’m sure you won’t mind if I have someone stand outside and tell your customers as they arrive the day of the event not to go here if they are single, to go to place XXX down the road instead.

I then went home and called the home office to this restaurant in FL. And let the owners know of the situation. A received a phone call from the rude manager a day later, “eating crow” as they say, apologizing under his breath, and saying we could have our singles event as planned.

That’s because the owners in Florida were not happy about it, and said we DO want your business, we will talk to him.

But boy it was my first eye opener about how people view you if you don’t have someone in your life.

Bottom line:

Don’t take the “how to get married in 6 months” books and all of their so-called “Rules” to catch a man or woman” to heart and think if you don’t succeed in finding someone you are nobody. And ladies, don’t worry so much about quantifying your relationships by “keeping score” as to who called whom first and about whether or not a man is “that into you”.  That drama may be ok for junior high schoolers…but we’re sensible, adult women with interesting careers, lives and better things to do, right?

Instead…when it comes to matters of the heart, you know best what your needs are.

My advice?

Just love and accept yourself, be pro-active in your personal life when seeking friends, lovers, or partners, follow your heart, but don’t get caught up in the moment and take risks when it comes to intimacy (of course, always practice safer sex)

But most of all just let nature take its course. It’s possible for everyone to find someone one special to them. And yes, that means you too! It will happen …whether it’s one year or 20 years or longer. All of those clichés about plenty of fish in the sea and a lid for every pot is true.

However, you are meant to be alone for the short or even long term (and some people are), then accept it and grow from the experience and enjoy this time anyway.

It’s just that simple.

Most important, learn to love yourself in spite of your current relationship status. Don’t fret or let others define your worth or make you feel that you’re a loser because you don’t “have someone.” Trust me the grass isn’t always greener on the other side..and no one has ever died from being unpartnered… but plenty have lost their lives in domestic violence from being in an unhealthy relationship!

Better to be “alone” than be stuck in a relationship that is dangerous to your body, mind, emotions, soul and spirit…for that is the ultimate loneliness!

In the meantime, if the single blues do hit you hard, then try attending some of our fun low pressure activity events to get out of the house and make some new friends. Or  check out some books to help you deal with embracing singlehood and aloneness.

If they don’t work, then try counseling or our Life Coach Heidi for strong caring support and advice. Or join our workshops which will begin again September 16th.

Check the CALENDAR of EVENTS for details.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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About 65% of the singles that attend my events are divorced. The other 35% are made up of widows and those singles-never married.  Almost all have been in long lengthily relationships or marriages, and suddenly find themselves single. Becoming suddenly single again after a long time is like taking up residency in a foreign country and not speaking the language very well.  So what are the rules in this country anyway?

Now anyone that knows me, I am not a big fan of a bunch of rules I’m a rebel at heart. But one must know the rules first in order to break them!

Now there are no hard, fast rules when it comes to dating. Although if you read the dating book called  “the RULES” these chicks will tell you there are some rules women must never break! I read the book and found 70% to be ridiculous and 30% I had to begrudgingly agree with.

So what information do you need most to get out there and start over?  Well for starters do a good assessment of yourself to see if you dealt with all the emotional baggage and feel truly ready to date. If you have forgiven yourself and your past and moved on; you will probably do fine. (You might want to read- * Adjusting, letting go, forgiving after a breakup)

Here some basics to keep in mind when you start dating again:

1. Be true to yourself first.
Now that you are newly single, try to bring balance to your life. You may be eager to date but don’t forget to make time for yourself as well as spend time with friends and family. Date if you feel ready but don’t make it your whole life.

2. Form new relationships with other single people.
If you don’t already have single friend, then find some. Go to single events with the mindset that if I don’t meet the woman or man of my dreams, finding a new single friend will be very helpful. For single ladies, I hold a monthly singles ladies brunch just for this reason to make new single friends. Your married friends are great, but they can’t always relate to your single status and can’t join you on single adventures. A single woman can never have enough single girlfriends for support and to pal around with. Check our Calendar of Events for the next single ladies brunch by you.

3. One date does not form a relationship.
It’s important to know that everyone you date will not be interested in a second date. Just because you were interested in a second date doesn’t mean they have to be. Don’t let the fact that you don’t get called to go out again, make you want to give up or cause you to think negatively about yourself. Move on to the next person and be willing to go through a process of elimination, which could take some time. Don’t take going out on dates too seriously, that you project your thoughts way to far into the future.

4. Don’t come on too strong.
If you were in a long term marriage then you are used to being part of a couple. Divorce means lots of changing and growing for an individual. Bad habits, new place to live, new friends may all be a part of your new life as a newly single individual. Don’t let the couple habit cause you to come on too strong and chase someone special away. You are dating, not stalking so be careful not to overwhelm.

5. Don’t forget to respect yourself.
Go slowly when it comes to sharing information about yourself with a date. It will convey a sense of self – respect and create mystery. So, keep the details to a minimum until you know they are worthy of hearing them. Leave the details of your divorce at home. It’s a date, not a therapy session.

6. The world is your test tube.
Approach the dating game with an attitude of openness and experimentation. It is possible that every date you go on, could lead you to Mr./Ms. Right but… keep an open mind and your feet planted firmly on the ground and you will at least learn something new on every date you go on.

7. Try something new.
Don’t box yourself in with the idea that you have a “type” that you are attracted to. Change those old thought process, step outside your head and broaden your horizons. You may find that what you thought would make you gag, actually makes you happy. Read- * Dating with a Champagne taste with a Beer pocket

8. Never underestimate the power of flirting.
Nothing is more fun than flirting and nothing helps you connect to another person quicker than being playful. Be charming and delightful, show some vitality. Keep it light and festive, not deep and serious. Keep your mind in the moment and not on the long term goal of falling in love. Read* Flirting is the ultimate welcome

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

Read Full Post »

You may have heard me say once or twice… yes people do connect at my events.

However, I do not credit myself with being a matchmaker, I am simply an event planner creating the environment for singles to have fun while giving them opportunities to meet someone.

I consider the actual occurrence of bringing individuals together, the work of the universe.

One never knows exactly when the circumstances and people we hope for will enter our lives.

Many things play a part in the timing in finding our soul mate.  We must take the time to meet new people, and make connections yet stay positive even if the person was not  “the one” that evening we went out to explore.

Our attitude, and openness play a big part in the whole process, as well as how much time we spend and effort we allow ourselves to do the necessary social networking.

When it will happen for you? That is one of life’s mysteries.

But one thing is for sure… unless the pizza delivery girl or boy is your dreamboat, you won’t meet someone sitting at home!

Never give up, and always have faith.

Below is an untouched note from two singles that made a great connection at my speed dating event held on Long Island.

Gail

————————————————————————————————————-

7/2/2010

Dear Gail,

I know that Jack already e-mailed you a few weeks ago but I wanted to offer my thanks to you also for running such a great service.

I am truly believing I found the “mythical unicorn” in Jack.  I was beginning to think that wonderful men (the mythical unicorns) didn’t exist, at least for me. You hear about them, some claim to have seen them, but it’s still a myth to you and, frankly, a girl’s gotta see it with her own eyes.  I gave speed dating a shot figuring that if someone was going to schedule a time and plunk down a few dollars to meet someone, maybe they’d actually be looking for something real.  I was hopeful, yet guarded.  Along comes Jack, with everything I ever hoped for in a man.  Kindness, awesome humor, talent, brains, compassion, emotional availability, gentlemanly, considerate, passionate and responsible (and more!), all tied up in an impressive package (topped with an incredible smile) that is easy to get along with and brings real joy to my life.  My friends are astounded at how I found this “mythical unicorn” and are spreading the word about how good speed dating really can be.  🙂  If you didn’t bring this service to Long Island, I’d still be searching.  Thank you so much for putting this all together, you’ve changed our lives.

Peggy

————————————————————————————————–

Here is JACK’s note sent a few months ago….

5/27/2010 – 8:46 AM

Dear Gail,

Peggy and I really hit it off, and I wanted to thank you.  I feel like a kid again.

I also wanted to tell you that I think Speed Dating is the best invention since sliced bread.  For people like me, who don’t do well just walking up to strangers in bars (or elsewhere), it is a way to meet more people in one night than I might otherwise meet in years. Peggy is a computer geek (like me), likes the same entertainment that I do, and we also share a similar sense of humor and outlook on life.

Thanks again,

Jack

____________________________________________________________

Thank you Jack and Peggy for sharing with me so I can pass this along to those curious and shy but have not taken the steps yet…. that good things do happen when we dare to step outside the box!

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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A new single client called me and explaned she was newly singles and would like to find alternative ways to meet singles rather then the bar scene.  We briefly went over 7 in Heaven’s Current Calendar of Events and when she realized this particular weekend, was not either too far from her home, or not in her age group…

She went on to say….

I know it may not be in your best interest to suggest other things to do, as I know you run this great singles organization with a ton of things to do, but could you possibility suggest of any other ways to meet singles?

I said  “SURE!

There are many ways to meet new single friends not just at single events or online dating! And no…I am not afraid or concerned about you knowing where or what else to do beside my singles events!”

Yes…we do have a jammed packed calendar of events, but sometimes it still won’t fit every single persons agenda or location for every weekend.

I have always told my clients never to put all your eggs in one basket.

Try everything!

Single events, online dating, let your friends try to setting you up on blind dates, join clubs, talk to strangers in the store (I know your momma told your otherwise, but trust me, its ok now and will open new doors! )

So where can you find these clubs to join?

Well a really good place to start online is http://www/MEETUP.com

There you will find just about everything that interests you! Like to learn how to fly a stunt kite? There is a club for you! How about hiking? Or Bike riding? Dance Lessons? There are hundreds of “meetup” groups to join and to check out. Now … not everyone in many of the groups will be single, BUT don’t let that stop you from going alone! Many couples are very happy to suggest their single neighbor to introduce you to, or maybe it will just be a fun day out for you not alone. With no pressure of having expectations of meeting someone!

Another great way to get out there and make some great new friends is doing Volunteer or attending Charity events!

There are countless charities around that would love for you to offer your time. Volunteer at the local animal shelter or nursing home for a warm fuzzy feeling that you can share together.

During the Holiday season everyone thinks of doing charity work, but what about now? People need help all year round and for those singles that are dealing with a recent death or breakup / separation the transition of making these life changing experiences can be challenging.
Best simple suggestion to help you feel a little better during this adjustment period is Volunteer / Donate to help those less fortunate.

Check out: Island Harvest or Singles for Charities

There you will find a good start to find places and activities to volunteer while making some new friends that will stimulate and amuse you. And if you think about it, those that are caring and willing to give without expecting in return are exactly the kind of people you would like to date! Not everyone you meet will be single but so what?  It’s all about “networking” that may open new doors, leading you to new single people!

And speaking of networking…

Networking itself is another great way to meet people.

What is networking?

It’s a free social event to bring small business owners, entrepreneurs, sales people or non-profit organizations together to help each other.

(Some organizations do have membership fees)

Maybe you have a hobby or talent you would like to promote? Promoting that talent or hobby works at networking too!

I belong to 2 groups in particular that I found to be welcoming and friendly making it easy to be comfortable with everyone.

Long Island Entrepreneurs run by Yvonne

516 / 631 Ads and Networking run by David

Doing many different things to expand your world while seeking a new partner will make any search shorter because time flies while you are having a good time.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

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One of the funniest lines I ever heard about dating was something Chris Rock once said:   “When you date…have you ever notice when you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their “representative”. Then after a about 3 months you meet the REAL Candidate”

 ______________________________________________________

Dear Gail:

I wanted to give you some background on me, and possible you could give me some advice. I have been in the “dating” world for the last 10-years now, and I have not much luck keeping a man in my life for more than a 3-month relationship. Various reasons for this, all BS, but reasons nonetheless — or excuses rather. For example some of the breakup excuses have been:
“You are too good to be with a jerk like me.” (huh?)
“I respect you too much to be dating you casually.” (Did I say I wanted a serious relationship!??)
“You are the type I would take home to my mom, and right now I just want to get laid.” (dude, I never said I wanted to meet your mom!)
“How can you want to date me knowing it’s not going to last? What is the point?” (Urrr…nothing lasts forever, and whatever happened to enjoying the present?)
“I am scared of commitment.” (I don’t want to marry you!)
“It’s not you, it’s me.” (One of my all time favorites)

I’ve had the  “I’m really still in love with my ex” thing, The mutual break-up “you know …we like each other but not enough to keep dating” this one is one of  the cleanest cut ways out.

However, what might be interesting to note is that all these guys went on to have serious relationships after me. I don’t know what to think of that, and maybe I rather not think about it at all.
Maybe I was too easy to catch.

Maybe I shouldn’t have played those stupid games that everyone plays.

Maybe I gave too much too soon.

Maybe I didn’t give enough.

Maybe we shouldn’t have gotten involved with each other in the first place.

Who knows?

It seems like the minute it’s more painful than fun, you get out.

But, when the pattern repeats itself on numerous occasions, repeats you can’t help but wonder.

Anyway, below are the thought process I have held onto that has help me deal with this 3 month cycle of dating:
– You can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to: if someone doesn’t want to be with you there is no convincing him into it.
– It’s all about personal growth: whether in or out of an involvement with someone, as long as you’ve grown in some way (together or apart), it was worth it.
– Nobody dies of a broken heart: you fall, you get up, you dust off, you move on.
– Everything happens for a reason.

Someone once told me that you attract what you are ready for.

Maybe subconsciously this is all I have ever been ready for?

A short- term relationship ready for the moment?

Or, have I been missing something to prevent the long term commitment I am seeking?

Single forever?

“Sam”

________________________________________

Dear Sam,

To avoid finding yourself in this situation, I am going to tell you loudly to STOP what you are doing and step back s-l-o-w-l-y. Dating goes through stages. If you try to avoid one of the stages, problems may develop in the relationship, which may result in you or your partner ending the relationship. When you recognize what stage of dating the relationship is in, you will understand what is called for or needed in order to move through that stage and onto the next stage.

It requires patience and understanding.

Month One: The Meeting

The purpose of stage one is to determine if there is enough physical attraction, chemistry, commonality and interest to warrant dating. For some people, it may take a couple of meetings to determine if they want to date a particular person. Decision to continue will come as long as both parties find each other interesting and fun to be with, and physically attracted to.

Month Two: Dating

Month two is the romantic stage and during this stage both of you want to spend increasingly amounts of time together. People often describe this stage as feeling physically attracted or infatuated with the other person. Because two people are having fun and really attracted to each other. Sometimes they tend to overlook those cute irritants (I call it Rose Color Glasses) of their partner in order to focus on the strong attraction and the positive feelings. But… without this stage of intense infatuation, a relationship can’t move on to the next stage. So if you and your partner are on two different pages with regard to your feelings for each other, it is best for you to be patient and wait for you partner to catch up. Doing this demonstrates to your partner that you are caring, patient and supportive. Too needy or too distance will drive the person further away.

Month Three: The “RELATIONSHIP”

Month three is where differences between the couple begin coming to the surface and it’s usually means make or BREAK in relationship.  Now the focuses are on how the two of you work through disagreements, differences of opinions and ideas as well as different approaches and issues about sex, communication and commitment. It is also an opportunity to both learn and use problem-solving skills with your partner. Arguing in a relationship is not the problem. The problem arises when couples don’t know or use healthy skills to resolve conflict. Stage three is also an opportunity to build a deeper relationship with your partner as each of you recognizes that you are loved and accepted for being your true self. This is where trust develops in a relationship.

Month Six: Independence and Interdependence

Month six is a when the couple learns how to be a couple and still maintain a level of independence within the relationship. During this period of time the couple begins to incorporate their previous relationships skills and fun interests into the couple relationship. For some people the fear of their partner wanting to socialize without them, triggers feelings of insecurity, or fear of an imminent ending to the relationship. If this is the case, the partner with the insecurity does not address his or her own issues, the result maybe unintended break-up. Of course there could be dozens of other reasons too, that why “dating is about discovery”.

One Year: Healthy Commitment

If you reach the one year stage is where the individuals are willing to make decisions about a long term commitment with one another. By now hopefully the couple has built a foundation on trust, honesty and integrity. For some this may lead to marriage for others this means being in a monogamous relationship.

Since you have trouble moving on past the third month, my suggestion to you is to slow down and allow your boyfriend time to realize his feelings for you are deeper than just friends. This won’t happen by you pointing it out to him. It will happen by him going through the stages at his own pace.

All the best on your quest!

Gail

Opinions? Comments? Personal experiences?
You can comment below anonymously or email me
direct at
info@7-in-heaven.com
visit the web site to check out our fun
events http:// www.7-in-heaven.com

Read Full Post »

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